Behave as if you are secure emotionally with the decision of divorce. OK this IS happening.
Turn the screw financially. This is your right to protect yourself...no one would blame you. Afterall YOU did not walk away!
You can still remain on good terms. It up to him how he behaves. It's his choice if he thinks you are doing something devious. It's a matter-of-fact...you have children to provide a safe and secure environment for...it's up to you. He need to play his role financially and otherwise. You can't risk that he may change his mind and "forget" to pay the bills.
When they leave, they are under the impression that they can do what they FEEL. Come and go as they please....it gives them confort that things are the "same" as when they left. This isn't a purposeful plan. We allow them to have things remain the same as they are...we are HOPEFUL that they will return.
The moment, when you start changing things (financially, dating others, legally, no chit/chat) they start FEELING uncomfortable. They'll get angry or start blaming etc. Pure emotional stuff. That's ok. It's up to us to remain calm, cool and collected. We are in control. This is what happens when people divorce. They feel pain and they have legalities to deal with and they have financial obligations to their children and they don't get to chit/chat with their wives anymore.....
Create that crisis.
*I just realized that I've been in control since the separation. I chose to limit talk, to agree to the divorce, to ask to date others (haha), to begin chit chatting again, to hire a good attorney, to appear attractive and confident around him, to remain secretive about my goings-on (even if nothing is going on), etc.
Last edited by Corpuswife; 10-03-2009 at 11:17 PM.
Ok just called my H (am starting to feel weird calling him that!) and that was a biggy for me -
Had to organise a few things -
he sounded terrible - like there is nothing in his voice -
he forgot even to ask how I was -
but I am practising being friendly and happy and organised and in control with him and you're right CW makes me feel in control...which is great....
can I keep it up??
yes of course
K: You can do this...it gives you power. They are hurting..you see it and you hear it. What benefit is it for them to leave a nice household (not without flaws) and go it alone? What they begin to discover (not immediately) is its' THEIR problem. They are getting what they want but are still unhappy?
I went on to tell my h during a "talk" that the divorce needs to happen sooner to bring things to a head. I told him that once he's divorced he'll realize that it's been him and not ME the whole time. He gives me no response. I don't care. This is how I feel about the situation. If he disagrees with me...then he needs to let me know. He doesn't say a word.
Also, you said in an earlier post that your H may come to a point where he wouldn't come back in fear of hurting you again. Of course, my H has a similiar attitude. That's why is important for him to see you doing well. There may come a point, when you see signs of him wanting to move closer. You may have to recognize that and tell him it's "OK" to come back. However, you WILL need to put conditions on his return. He has to come back for the right reasons (you) and to be fully in (100%) the marriage. Also, to work on the marriage together. Just a thought.
THANKS GUYS - REALLY AM BEGINNING TO FEEL A BIT BETTER -
HONESTLY !
IT IS ABOUT 1 WEEK UNTIL MY H'S BIRTHDAY AND SO 1 YEAR SINCE THE NIGHTMARE BEGAN!
I have survived so far and the boys have survived ....
and I really do appreciate all your support
CW that is so true - what benefits to these guys are there to going out alone?
my H swears nothing is happening with OW - "that it was nothing"
I don't know - can't be too sure with him anymore but I think that's true as well. Maybe he's finding that moving on isn't so easy?
Anyway it's not that I am getting my hopes up - I do think my guy is a pretty messed up individual and I do suspect that I will have moved on by the time he sorts it...
I thought it was weird when I was talking to my FIL the other night and he said
"you wouldn't have him back now would you?"
and I said
"of course I would - I love him and this is not what I want for myself and my kids"
he was genuinely surprised -
I don't know about you CW but I don't take a lot of this 'personally' - it is about HIM and so although he has hurt me terribly I know he is a good person and I am a good person - and we have loved eachother in every way that is possible - so I know that it could work for us.
But that's not my destiny in life at the moment.
And it may be not where we turn up -
but at least I know that no matter what I will always want to have him in my life somewhere...on the edges perhaps - but still around and that's a much healthier feeling than some of the ones I have been having!
Our H's need some serious soul searching. It requires some work on their part. Not sure if they are able.
Our destiny is to be who we NEED to be for ourselves and our children. We are strong, intelligent, healthy women. We love our H's despite their flaws and maladjustment. We are willing to accept them back into our lives given the right circumstances.
It's also been almost a year for our nightmare's anniversary. I think another year from now will look totally different.
Funny how philosophical you write when you are living through hardship!
Many relationships would NOT have a spouse waiting for the other spouse to come around. I know many people that say "kick him to the curb." Even his mother is surprised that I let this go on so long???? She said "I don't know how you stayed in it this long." Man, I am fiercely loyal but am I stupid for sticking around?
No, I don't think so. It's not like I was being abused or anything. It's because we have a shared history, love, and commitment that I stay.
I don't know if there was OW involved I'd probably feel different. He still wears his wedding ring during the divorce.
CW true I am a bit of a home grown philosopher - but you're not too bad at that either I have to say...thinking is my speciality!
My hurt side fights with my reflective side though....
I fear all the time that my Hope for my H and I is completely misguided and naive....that I am being emotionally obtuse and that I just don't want to believe it's over....
but what does it matter?
it's my business and it is not stopping me from living my life.
Like you we know these guys - not just the crap they have put us through - but all the other bits as well....
I think my H thinks that I don't know him - but I do -
anyway my rational part thinks it's all over - but the irational part thinks otherwise -
my counsellor just thinks its conditioning - he came back once he'll do it again...
but nobody knows the future hey?
Wren I agree!
I was so very shocked when my H left me the first time -
no thought involved at all
all reactive emotion - he claimed that he had shocked himself!
he's impulsive and doesn't think things through - that's one reason I know he'll be suffering - he just goes for the quick fix -
this doesn't necessarily work in my favour and I think that he may well act 'impulsively' with another woman if he hasn't already....
so dangerous terrain
but he didn't try and work things out
he had the gall to say to me that he 'knew what he wanted to change about our relationship but it was more irrational than that"
well who knows - love is irrational I guess.....
but he has also said a lot of other stuff to me and I can't think he's found much peace yet.
I don't think he is feeling bad just because he feels guilty - I think he also misses me and our life - but I doubt whether he's capable of being honest about that -
until my H is capable of being honest with himself he's not much good to anyone -
hope he can one day but I will have moved on I expect....
He was cross because our son had baseball training today and he didn't go....
I tried to get my son to go - but he complained of a sore ankle (a silent protest perhaps) despite all my powers of persuasion I couldn't get him there....
my H was p***off about this -
and said " I would have made him go"
It was all I could do to say "Well guess what J. you're not friggin well here anymore - so you couldn't MAKE him go"
after we got off the phone I called him back - I am just so sick of him being 'cross' with me when I have done NOTHING to that man - what is his problem????
he was still agressive - I say
"hi how are you?" and he never says how are you -
So I say -
"J I am really trying to reach out to you so that we can have productive relationship about the kids and I'd appreciate it if you'd respond in kind"
he gives a few excuses - "I wasn't cross with you, I was cross with Vince" ...etc...but this is all CRAP
he IS cross with me
being separated with kids is the absolute pits
all of the crappy fights and none of the making up....
How do I keep my cool in these circumstances ?
Should I call him on this behaviour?
What do I really think of someone (anyone) treating me this way?
Would he be as rude to anyone else?
Why am I still copping it even though I have given him his freedom and am getting on with my life?
It is as though just the sound of my voice annoys him...
Why is he so angry with me????
I think my counsellor would say he is p**** with me about the money side - that I haven't sold the house and that I am holding him accountable....
and that he will be angry about this until it is resolved.....
I am beginning to see that he isn't very 'nice' to me and is still acting like a child....do I really love this guy?
can i just say something about my 8 year old?
after the phone call he said to me
"Mum when you are angry with Dad, go in your room, Vince and I will go downstairs and you say whatever bad things you want to like "I hate you!" or whatever you like"
Knortoh You are noticing the issues with being seperate. 2 lives living independant of each other and have their own rules and ways of handling things. The kids pay the most cause they have to learn to be 2 different people with each parent. As a couple you both agree to raise and handle issues together. No conflict and no different standards.
Your doing great keeping cool IMO. Your practing everything you can do to improve and move on.. Let him get upset and angry. Thats HIS problem.
His anger is directed to you cause you handled the situation different then the way he would have. Not that you were wrong in anyhing you did but not HIS way. It is something he needs to get over. Just remind him that he's not their and I made the best decision I could.. Thats all you can do..
You don't love the guy he's become but there is the same guy you married deep down. Only anger and frustrations are shown now. The question is how long you want to endure it?
As for the kids again this is the problem with seperation.. They are used like pawns and it makes them grow up to fast. I hate to see it. It was the main drive to saving my marriage besides I love my wife more then I could any other women..
Re: think I am going mad - anyone else had this?
