LH thank you so much for your support and insight.
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Originally Posted by Loving Husband
Your doing great keeping cool IMO. Your practing everything you can do to improve and move on.. Let him get upset and angry. Thats HIS problem.
You are correct about this - I keep on thinking that if I treat him how I would expect to be treated he'll eventually pick up on my cues. What hurts is that he is generally one of the most polite individuals I have ever met and is a master of making people feel at ease. It feels cruel when he treats me this way.
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Originally Posted by Loving Husband
His anger is directed to you cause you handled the situation different then the way he would have. Not that you were wrong in anyhing you did but not HIS way. It is something he needs to get over. Just remind him that he's not their and I made the best decision I could.. Thats all you can do..
Yes you are correct once again - it just feels unfair that he blames me when he is the one who gave up the right and resonsibility to handle these things when he left...
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Originally Posted by Loving Husband
You don't love the guy he's become but there is the same guy you married deep down. Only anger and frustrations are shown now. The question is how long you want to endure it?
I guess I can endure it because I don't live with it - but I tell you what LH I am losing respect for this guy....i thought he was angry and frustrated living WITH me - now he's out he's even angrier - it's that old thing you take yourself with you wherever you go - so true....
when he left he told me
"i just want my kids to see me happy" .....
he was horrible to our son as well as to me tonight
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loving Husband
As for the kids again this is the problem with seperation.. They are used like pawns and it makes them grow up to fast. I hate to see it. It was the main drive to saving my marriage besides I love my wife more then I could any other women..
Yes I am concerned for them. The older boy (who wouldn't go to baseball) fakes these injuries all the time - even my Husband said he thought it was a 'silent protest' -
the little one kills me with compliments...trying to make feel good
you know LH I really don't understand how people can be so matter-of-fact about what kids go through when parents split...
it still shocks me that my H would sacrifice his role as fulltime dad in this way...
I NEVER thought he was capable of this mid-life crisis or not -
maybe not the man I thought he was?
Who in the heck is HE going to be angry with...himself? NO
He is already blaming you and hence the anger is directed toward you. Because he's a "nice" guy like my H...he won't come outright and say it.
I would say these things to him in a calm, cool collected manner.
Something like this..."the moment that you choose to walk out the door you left me with the day to day responsibilities of taking care of our children. In the household, as you remember, there are good and bad days with kids...that is life. I do my best as I am alone here. I don't need you to get angry and on my case. I'd appreciate with these "little" things that you leave it to yourself."
I love your 8 year old! He also has amazing insight (like you)! He's right on by the way....
Just hang in there. You are doing well given the circumstances. It takes a lot of energy for someone to stay mad at another person. It is draining for them.
You can do this.
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Kindness, Caring, Love and Understanding for Me, for Her and my son. Well not so much for Her anymore.
FA
that's such a valuable insight -
I sometimes feel as though he has been 'secretly' angry at me for years
I know when he sees me face to face he finds it difficult to maintain he comes across very differently and says
"I have no right to be angry with you"....
But FA my question is -what is 'real' the angry bit or the not angry bit?
Is it that when he thinks about it and remembers that I am not in fact a bad person that he 'isn't angry' or is this just a mask ?
my gut feeling is always that the anger is a mask -
my counsellor thinks I am nuts when I say this - and she says it's no longer a distinction I need to worry about...
pretending to be angry being angry - what's the difference?
knortoh: FA is a good one to be asking these questions. He has alot of insight on this subject regarding anger.
I feel that the anger is the pain coming out. My H is, of course, the same way. He was angry for months. Hell...about everything. He could get sparked off easily as well. My H used to be this happy go lucky guy. Not any more. He didn't DEAL with his emotions, it just came out as anger. Plus he picked up drinking wine in the evenings. Lovely! I think he is still doing that one alone!
Anger, as I've come to find out takes many forms. For me with my w, I had long known as a child that I would lash out at people with anger. As a child I once broke a door. That was a turning point. It might have been bad timing on my part but I read a book entitled "Will" written by of all people but G. Gordon Liddy. He talked about overcoming fears of things that you just control it. As a result I realized I didn't want to do that and would "will it away". So I did with my anger.
The problem is it boils up from time to time. Afraid of what I might say - I could say very hurtful things that I didn't really mean - I avoided confrontation on a personal level. Not on a business level. In business I always stand my ground. So if I ever was with someone long enough, and I rarely ever was prior to my w, I started to become what some term the "nice lady". A pleaser. Unable in the viewpoint of the one I love to make a decision. To look pathetic. Add a stressful business environment and you look like a wimp. But that is me. Not necessarily your H.
I learned a lot from a book entitled "The Dance with Anger" by Harriet Lerner. When I read her description of the "nice lady" I thought she was reading my mind. Again add that mindset to other things going on with me and I appeared weak and pathetic to my w. Too late for me now, but maybe you should get a copy and read it. There are other personalities in there regarding anger. Please note that my anger never entailed anything physical to anyone I love or loved I should say. Actually the coping mechanism I created was just the opposite - appeasement at all costs.
And I'm like CW's husband - I don't deal well with emotions. When things are going well I appear pretty happy go lucky. When not I revert inward to myself. Add pressure to myself, etc. Then for me it just builds from there. Withdrawal from everything and everone, except my son. I was even withdrawing from my parents and brother. I was a mess. My w assumes I was cheating but I was not. Never have cheated on even someone I dated. Never had the taste for that.
Now she is resentful and mad. So mad she has cheated on me. Still mad at me about things. Projects her own issues onto me.
The positive to me out of all of this has been learning about my core issues. How to deal with my anger. How to deal with childhood issues. It took me a while to look deep and realize why I did things the way I did. I've gone through emotional hell, but I will survive somehow, some way.
Anger isn't a mask. But it is just an emotion just like being happy. I just didn't want to hurt the ones I loved the most - so I guess I left them without even realizing it. Your H is probably afraid to express his anger because he doesn't want to hurt you without meaning to like I did. It is real. The pain is deep but it has to be let go.
I know I'm rambling, but this is my biggest issue and although it kills me to write about it, I need to. I don't want others to follow in my foot steps. Keep asking questions and I will do my best to provide any insight I might have. You have hope and I see it in him to try based on what you've shared. Ask your questions. I'm here to help.
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Kindness, Caring, Love and Understanding for Me, for Her and my son. Well not so much for Her anymore.
That is what I'm here for, to pay it forward. To help others. Makes me feel better. I look for advice too. But until, like you realized that you played a part, no couple has a chance if it is all one sided. That is why I believe you should have hope, because he realizes he played a part in this. Without that, there could be no real change. Hopefully he is up to the challenge. But as I found out, you have to be willing to open up with a counselor and dig deep.
__________________
Kindness, Caring, Love and Understanding for Me, for Her and my son. Well not so much for Her anymore.
Spouses tend to take everything out on each other. Why do we hurt the ones closest to us?? Why do we treat total strangers better then our spouses?? What does it accomplish?? our husband is doing that. Why is there no responibility for our actions directed towards them?? On a positive side.. Anger/Frustraion/Guilt is all emotions of being attached to somebody. That is a good thing. If he had NO emotion I would be more concerned. I was told anger is the cousin to love. I believe it. If somebody hurts you they are connected.. I know that if somebody at work hurts me I am unphased.. If my wife does I am torn apart. This is why we are here..
Add that if your spouse is a sensitive person, like mine then when he is hurting and doesn't deal with the emotions we get the brunt of the anger.
Although, when you are no longer in the same household it's different. The first few months he was angry at other...his boss, his partner, his parents, his landlord. I didn't talk to him much during that time (LMBT).
Since I began talking to him and he's began the divorce process he seems more centered with me. I don't know. Today, I was thinking...I wonder if he puts as much thought into US as I do. I wonder if he thinks about me at all?
FA - I am setting myself to thinking about what role I have played in the break up...not in a beating myself up way - but in an honest way...as it is tricky it will take some time...but thank you SO much for reminding me of that...
LH I agree - anger is an emotion and in a strange way you know (if I am honest) I am pleased that he is angry -
for him it is sign that he is not 'in control' of his emotions - and he works very hard to put on a rational and clam demeanour usually...
it's so true the mask is cracking - it was FA who told me honestly that some guys really are 'boys' playing the role of 'man' - which is the case with my guy....
CW - yep he's sensitive alright - that's why we love them hey!
In my heart I know he's suffering and will probably take much longer to get over 'us' than I will...
And CW I find myself thinking the same thing -
is he thinking about us, about me at all??????
They are going through a very self-centred moment remember ....
Anger is good, as long as one doesn't get stuck there. What I find interesting is how our partners finally see the light and start wanting to be selfish, after they have committed to relationships that are safe. Do they not see the connection?
You can take care of yourself while being in a relationship. It's not black and white!
Re: think I am going mad - anyone else had this?
