wren

when they can not say the words. Since the separation, I have been an insecure mess. I continue hearing , " I'm not sure if I love you anymore," over again in my head. My individual therapist, our couples' therapist, as well as friends/family continue to tell me not to rely on words right now. I need to focus on the actions because he can't communicate with emotional language right now. And the fact is, generally, men and women verbally and nonverbally communicate differently.
So if I'm not to focus on the words, can someone tell me how a man shows love? Because right now, I am so unsure of myself that I fear I may see things that are not there.

3773519

I can understand that you wanna hear as well as see the love. I mean i guess for woman communication is a good quality men lack in sometimes!
I would honestly rather my significant other show me how he feels, but words do help seal the deal on his feelings. If he's showing you then take that as a step. Sum woman dont even get that and all they get is the baby i love u talk but dont back it up with action.

dobo

I think the question you mean to ask is, what does love in action look like. It isn't just a man thing because some women aren't into words. Further, some men are into words as well as action.

- Thoughtfulness is something to look for.

wren

Yes, dobo. You are correct.
I don't know what love in action looks like right now. Because I feel insecure, I doubt my intuition. And I'm afraid that my hope for reconciliation filters what I actually see.

dobo

It is understandable and natural that you'd question your judgement when something has rocked your foundation.

I suspect that even looking for actions that demonstrate love aren't going to be conclusive. Look at Corpus' husband. He loves her, that is very clear. But he's still hell bent on divorce for god knows what reason.

Are you feeling insecure because you want him back and don't know if you'll ever get him back or are there other reasons, too?

wren

I am insecure because I can't wrap my brain around how one day he loved me and the next day he doesn't know. Even though our therapist has talked with us about how depression, anxiety, anger, and resentment can mask love- I have a hard time understanding his position. I never thought he would leave me, question his love, and so I was left wondering if he ever loved me at all. I worry so much that I'm in denial and the other foot is going to drop at any minute.
He is going to therapy with me. He is reading books and completing therapy assignments. He is kind and shows empathy when I panic because of triggers. We spend time together and communicate daily. But he just doesn't express himself with I love yous or I miss yous like in the past. I can't seem to let go of the idea that he would know if he loves me.

Deejo

If he is willingly undertaking those actions, he loves you.

So the issue isn't if he loves you, but you not feeling loved. He is practicing behavior that you equate with love.

So imagine the scenario in which he does love you, but you consistently challenge that notion because he isn't expressing it in a way you find reassuring. That can lead to feeling pretty hopeless and resentful - on both of your parts.

wren

So even if he says he isn't sure that he loves me, I should feel secure in the belief that he does because of those actions? It's possible that his ambivalence isn't lack of love?

I show him gratitude for his actions. And I try very hard to keep my insecurities about his lack of words to myself. I don't feel loved. He doesn't touch me for fear that I may get my hopes up for nothing. It's so confusing for me. I try so hard not take things personally as I know he is struggling to heal from years of pain and anger that have little to do with me. He's battling depression, anxiety, and overcoming low testosterone. He doesn't like himself at all. I'm sure he doesn't feel lovable so how could he feel loving?

I don't know. It's a big mess. Most days I take care of myself and I don't worry so much about the future. This morning I started worrying that I read too much into his effort. I hate this ambiguity.

knortoh

Wren, I am very familiar with those terms ambivalence, ambiguous -

boy are they unsettling in a relationship

I know that my H really was ambivalent - unable to commit to me

as for ambiguity well in my H's case it turned out to be a way of keeping me emotionally hooked in while he 'made up his mind'

however in your case the fact that he is seeing a counsellor with you and engaging in tasks sounds good!

I think you are right about one thing:

try and avoid reading into everything -

when they are ambiguous it is crazy making

it is great that you are aware that he is dealing with pain that has nothing to do with you

try and hold onto this - it can be tricky.

wren

I am horribly analytical and the fact that my education is rooted in the mental health field doesn't help. I struggle with "being in the moment" and acceptance. I am learning patience. I am learning that sometimes FEAR is false evidence appearing real.
We see our therapist this afternoon. I'm a bit nervous because we had resentment homework. Hearing his side of the story may be painful. I do pretty well with remaining calm and not defensive.
We've had a trip to DC planned for months. And we are still going next week. I don't know how to act or what to expect. I wish I could go and be fun, while letting go of expectations. We got engaged there so I fear I will be triggered.
Any suggestions?

dobo

Sedatives? ;-)

wren

haha! I want to be lucid for the U2 concert. But I will bring my xanax with me.

knortoh

Nothing horrible about being analytical!

you are processing things

as for the trip to DC I think I know what you mean -

I remember saying to my H -"I don't know how to BE around you anymore"

no advice on that one - except (if you can) be as light with everything as you can....for your own sake.....

once again your H is showing love to you and the relationship through his actions

enjoy yourself!