Why is it so hard?
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Old 09-25-2009, 02:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why is it so hard?

Back on the first august my wife came home from a night out at with some friends. That night she broke down and told me she wanted a separation. I was reluctant and would rather work on the problems at hand. I have an addiction to video games which ended up with me secluding myself from the her, and I never really knew the impact until then and now.

We finally "agreed" to separate so that she could "find" herself. It crushes me to know that she couldn't do that when we where together. So I packed my things because she had bought me a ticket back to NH as I had no where else to stay in WA and basically I had to start all over. I was willing to give up everything and under the impression that the separation was going to be a period for us to look at the relationship and hopefully reconcile.

While over here I have found a full time job, started my next semester in college, and gone out a few times with friends, but she is always on my mind. I find it hard to sleep at night sometimes I even cry and pray for this to work out and I regret that it got to this point.

During the first month we didn't contact each other except for finance issues. I was a wreck in that time always holding the phone hoping to hear from her. When we finally started talking again at the beginning of this month she said she has never felt this good and has gone out almost every night to bars, clubs, or over friends. I don't understand how I could and still be in so much pain when she is having the time of her life.

We talked periodically in the following two weeks not very often because her brother was on military leave before he deployed out. During this time I found out she had signed up for several personal sites and listed her self as single on all of them as well as myspace. I know I was snooping but I wanted a answer - some answer as to where I was headed.

Finally on the 17th I looked over our phone bill because our usage had skyrocketed and found out she had been calling a specific number over and over since the beginning of the month. Looking into her personals profile I discovered it was a guy she met on eharmony.

I have kept all knowledge of this too myself but that night I was so depressed and so made and felt so lied to I thought I had enough and told her I wanted I divorce. I didn't mean that but I was hurt and felt betrayed. The next day we talked, I told her I didn't mean what i said but only said it because I thought that was what she wanted. She told me she was unsure of what she wants right now.

Today I feel like i'm about to give up, I love her with all my heart and want to reconcile but I don't know what to do and cant understand why she feels nothing and is seeing another man. I honestly don't think this all happened because of me anymore.

I guess I'm just looking for some advice on what to do?
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Old 09-25-2009, 02:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is it so hard?

Sorry for your pain.. but you're now paying for having been 'away' from her..

There is not much you can do at this point.. just give her space..and time..
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Old 09-25-2009, 02:58 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is it so hard?

So then should I just leave all contacting up to her? And not put any effort in? Because it seems the more effort I put in the less it actually does.
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Old 09-25-2009, 03:04 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is it so hard?

She's still married. What's she doing talking with this other guy?

If she wants to work on the marriage, then she has to work on it. If not, don't let her jerk you around.

Yes, you were absent and not worth being married to. I am going to go out on a big limb and assume that you threw your Xbox out the window? (If not, why not?)

Are you sure this e-harmony thing didn't start before she kicked you out?
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Old 09-25-2009, 03:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Yes Im sure it only started a few weeks ok. And yes before I flew back here I sold the ps3 and I left my computer games there. Since then Ive picked up several other activities i run in the morning and skateboard in my free time things i have not done for years.

And yes I know i messed up and focused on the games a lot at the time I had know Idea how much it was bothering her. I regret that and don't have any plans on picking one up again.

I told her that I want to work on the marriage but everytime I bring that up she says shes not sure of what she wants and it ends at that.

I also have not confronted her about talking to the other guy. I did text her closest friend and ask and he said that was the point of a separation to see others. I don't agree with that but I also dont agree all that it was all my fault, a vast majority probably, all of it probably not.
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Old 09-25-2009, 03:26 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is it so hard?

with dobo.

Don't let her jerk you around. I am really sorry this has happened to you and I am even more sorry to say that it sounds as if she has moved on. I say that becuase when you asked about a divorce, her answer was, "I don't know"; that right there should give you a clue of where she is at. Work on yourself. At this point instead of looking at it as "giving her her space", look at it as giving YOU you're space. I know you are still in love with her but you may need to let go. See if you can go see a counselor. Take care of yourself, if you are out of shape, get in shape, exercise. Don't be surprised if someone better for you comes along. But I will tell you this, ditch the damn video games; they can be addicting. If you learn anything from your relationship experience with your wife, I hope you learned that you need to pay attention to your SO if you want to maintain a healthy marriage and even that at times doesn't guarantee happiness and success. I hope things work out well for you no matter what happens with your wife.
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Old 09-25-2009, 03:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is it so hard?

How old are you two? And this friend of hers, no that is not what separation is about.

Jesus. What planet are these people from? DO they do any self-reflection or do they just leap from one relationship into the next?

And I'm guessing she thinks she was perfect in the relationship and she doesn't have any work she could be doing on herself, right?

I have a feeling that you're going to have to push her for a decision because the more she sees other people or this jerk, the less of a chance of righting the marriage.

I'd also suggest getting your back to Washington and putting yourself in her face every now and again.
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Old 09-25-2009, 03:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is it so hard?

I am 27 and she is 24. I do plan on going back to WA it just means i am starting over yet again, but i am not letting that stop me. I dont know if she has reflected or sees any wrong for the most part of been looking at what I did and how it contributed to where we are and how I can turn myself around and work on those faults.
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Old 09-25-2009, 03:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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with dobo again!

I really wish I new where these people come from. Like when my W said "well, I need time for myself, I don't know what I want for the rest of my life". Geez; just BAM! out of the blue. Out of nowhere. 30 years of marriage, 3 great kids, nice home, and BAM! Woke up one morning and said I gotta go cause I'm not happy! Well, we are great now and it's really nice to be at peace but sometimes I wonder, why did she do that and where did that come from. It was kind of like being clubbed on the back of the head, you just don't see it coming.
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Old 09-25-2009, 04:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is it so hard?

Your faults? Wow, I guess it's OK for her to leave you for that then becuase she must have been perfect with no faults herself otherwise you would have left her. Right? <--- sarcasm. Sorry, but yes, you should work to correct yourself if there was a reason for her wanting to separate but don't ever lose sight of the fact that SHE was the one the wanted to leave you. I honestly hope that you can work it out.
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Old 09-25-2009, 04:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is it so hard?

And maybe it's not her fault.. maybe it's ONLY YOUR fault..

We only have your side here.. but what if she was a great wife.. but you ignored her.. ignored her plea for you to stop your stupid games.. but maybe you were too selfish and thought she would put up with you... but surprise! she didn't .. she got bored.. she got fed up with the frustrations.. and she fell out of love.. thinking you didn't love her anymore..

Now she found someone else.. she's probably into that other guy.. and she's not sure if she should leave him.. come back to you..

She needs time now.. you had your chance but blew it..

There is a limit to frustrations and pain..
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Old 09-25-2009, 04:41 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is it so hard?

Lizzie60 I never said she was not a great wife. She was and is fantastic. And I know their is only my side of the story. I know I messed up. I admit that and I am working on my flaws. Yes maybe I did blow it, but I hardly doubt it was all my fault. We never talked about how it was affecting her and it did not surface as a reason until after we separated. Maybe I did not notice the signs but verbal communication with me would have helped. Even so I will value your opinion as harsh as you come off.
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Old 09-25-2009, 05:25 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is it so hard?

Well... Roy.. we live and learn.. this was a hard lesson for you.. but I'm sure it will serve you in the future.. never take anyone for granted..

Good luck!
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Old 09-26-2009, 12:20 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is it so hard?

Well, she won't work on anything at this point with OM.

You won't be able to work on anything being how far you're apart.

It's sounds like you have your act together in NH. You heart is breaking. No real answers here other than move, after the semester ends and find a place near her. Or....stay and build a life where you are and stay in contact.

I would tend to back off and make a good life for myself. Tell her what you want and how you feel. Tell her that you don't want to talk about the relationship until she is ready to do something about it. Tell her that you won't wait around forever. Given the little info. that I have...that is how I'd might handle it.

Try not to appear needy. Appear to be doing well and happy. That is way more attractive to her.

Not easy.
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Old 09-26-2009, 01:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is it so hard?

It's "hard" because marriage involves 2 people and they change over time. My wife hates video games, but frankly I see no difference between playing Call of Duty 5 for 25 minutes, or watching some stupid friggin television show. It's all "down time" in my estimation.

I would suspect however that you readily exceeded the "25 minute" limit. Regardless, it is hard to say whose "fault this is", and I see no advantage in establishing blame at this juncture. I could just as easily suggest that you turned to gaming to fill a void in your life created by an inattentive wife. However, as I wrote previously excuses help no one.

Based on what you have wrote she has already made her decision, and there is no use in waiting for a bus that already came. Move on. It sucks friend, but looks like it's time to "walk home alone."
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