Why is it so hard?
Back on the first august my wife came home from a night out at with some friends. That night she broke down and told me she wanted a separation. I was reluctant and would rather work on the problems at hand. I have an addiction to video games which ended up with me secluding myself from the her, and I never really knew the impact until then and now.
We finally "agreed" to separate so that she could "find" herself. It crushes me to know that she couldn't do that when we where together. So I packed my things because she had bought me a ticket back to NH as I had no where else to stay in WA and basically I had to start all over. I was willing to give up everything and under the impression that the separation was going to be a period for us to look at the relationship and hopefully reconcile.
While over here I have found a full time job, started my next semester in college, and gone out a few times with friends, but she is always on my mind. I find it hard to sleep at night sometimes I even cry and pray for this to work out and I regret that it got to this point.
During the first month we didn't contact each other except for finance issues. I was a wreck in that time always holding the phone hoping to hear from her. When we finally started talking again at the beginning of this month she said she has never felt this good and has gone out almost every night to bars, clubs, or over friends. I don't understand how I could and still be in so much pain when she is having the time of her life.
We talked periodically in the following two weeks not very often because her brother was on military leave before he deployed out. During this time I found out she had signed up for several personal sites and listed her self as single on all of them as well as myspace. I know I was snooping but I wanted a answer - some answer as to where I was headed.
Finally on the 17th I looked over our phone bill because our usage had skyrocketed and found out she had been calling a specific number over and over since the beginning of the month. Looking into her personals profile I discovered it was a guy she met on eharmony.
I have kept all knowledge of this too myself but that night I was so depressed and so made and felt so lied to I thought I had enough and told her I wanted I divorce. I didn't mean that but I was hurt and felt betrayed. The next day we talked, I told her I didn't mean what i said but only said it because I thought that was what she wanted. She told me she was unsure of what she wants right now.
Today I feel like i'm about to give up, I love her with all my heart and want to reconcile but I don't know what to do and cant understand why she feels nothing and is seeing another man. I honestly don't think this all happened because of me anymore.
I guess I'm just looking for some advice on what to do?