I think I belong here now

mls31 · 12-28-2009, 07:44 PM

Yes, I am going to be an aunt!!

What is everyone's plans for New Year's?

A friend from high school invited me over to her house for a party. I plan to get a bit "cheery" to ring in the new year. I want to feel good enough that I won't miss not having someone to kiss at the stroke of midnight.

Or maybe I will have someone to kiss...

knortoh · 12-29-2009, 02:05 AM

highly likely, (the kiss that is)
yeeks I have no plans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mls31 · 12-29-2009, 10:17 PM

I actually spoke to my ex today on the phone. It's the first time I've talked to him since early November.

He claimed he hasn't received any of the e-mails I have sent to him in the past 2 weeks. Something about his work email not operating properly. Whatever.

However, this was the first time that he didn't sound as if I had just ran over his dog. He was easy to talk to, agreeable, and willing to do some of the things I asked. This was quite the change.

I told him how I felt as though he has totally left me on the details regarding our house and the car we both own. He apologized and was willing to keep me updated. He was also going to talk to his lawyer to find out how we finish out our divorce since our 60 day period is coming to an end.

I did tell him again that I no longer know the person he has become and therefore I don't trust him. I also said to that I want my maiden name back and to make sure that was listed in the divorce decree. I am sure those items had to make an impact.

After our conversation I didn't feel sad or upset. It was confirming to me that I am traveling down the right path. It's a scary and lonely path but it's the right one. This is another first for me.

knortoh · 12-30-2009, 12:47 AM

Go mls well done - talking is tricky - and you are handling it great

Corpuswife · 12-30-2009, 04:27 PM

MLS: I am proud of how you handled that conversation. You said your "peace" but allowed yourself to stick to business.

Good job!

mls31 · 01-01-2010, 06:39 PM

I was happy with how I handled it too.

New Years was fun. I went to a party with some friends I haven't seen in a while. We all shared a lot of laughs and drinks.

The only sad part was midnight when everyone else had someone to kiss but me. I vowed next year will be different. Here's to better 2010!
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knortoh · 01-01-2010, 08:03 PM

Hey mls - don't worry I am guessing lost of people didn't have anyone to kiss at midnight -
but only one sad part of the evening - YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

mls31 · 01-01-2010, 10:44 PM

I am really hurting tonight. It's the first time in several weeks that I've actually felt this bad.

I'm just feeling really lonely and as if someone has pulled the rug out from all my hopes and dreams. I miss my house and having someone to come home to. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and the fact that I have a place to stay but it's not the same. And I know as soon as I finish my training program and find a place of my own, these feelings will only intensify.

I just want to tell my ex thank you for giving me 4 months of not being able to sleep, introducing me to panic attacks, endless nights of crying myself to sleep and losing 10 pounds!

I keep telling myself that I shouldn't care. I shouldn't let his actions and behaviors get me down. Yet, I still do care. I guess that's the difference between me and him.

knortoh · 01-01-2010, 11:03 PM

mls - sorry you are having a bad night
I have had those thoughts - a whole range of life experiences that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy -
and of course you care -
you are human

Loving Husband · 01-02-2010, 04:53 AM

mls- I know where you are now.. 5 years ago I moved into my parents home and I spent many nights upset.. Hang in there.. Going as much No Contact as possible will help your sanity and your relationship.

Corpuswife · 01-02-2010, 01:03 PM

I know MLS...just when you think you are doing pretty good this sadness rears it's head.

You are doing well-still. It's just that you sadness is a part of this loss. I expect to be sad now....every now and then. It may take a few years to really have a day without thinking of him.

knortoh · 01-02-2010, 01:51 PM

I just read something my counsellor told me - she said that the wounds heal over and you become new - different -
but every now and then something will tear the scab off and the wound will hurt again...this made sense to me

mls31 · 01-02-2010, 08:47 PM

I almost lost it today in Ikea. My parents and I went today for something fun to do. I got really angry while we were shopping. It felt like the whole store was a constant reminder of the fact that I have no home to decorate. I might not even have a place by next year at this time depending on how things go with my job. I almost wanted to yell at my parents and say, "must be nice to have a home!" I know that is totally uncalled for.

I think my feelings are due to my divorce and the constant travel status with my job. For the past 6 months I've been living out of my car and suitcase. I've probably traveled close to 20,000 miles. I think I'm reaching a breaking point.

This whole situation is totally unfair. I should be the one sitting in my old house. The house I poured a lot of blood, sweat and tears into renovating. Instead my ex, the one who decided to divorce, is living in the house with all of our new appliances, tv and a freaking swimming pool! And where am I? In my childhood bedroom at 9:30 on a Saturday night!

Corpuswife · 01-02-2010, 10:47 PM

I loved your post MLS. It's a true statement of your feelings. I appreciate your honesty.

You are right, it is unfair. Do you think you ex will struggle with the house payments and keeping it up?

wren · 01-03-2010, 06:54 AM

Allow yourself these days of feeling, mls. It's part of the healing, I promise.

I understand about the house, too. That's where your roots are and you need roots right now!