I think I belong here now

knortoh · 10-03-2009, 10:29 PM

mls I read your post and really felt for you.

how painful hanging out with someone who is making all the signs of going through the motions....

I must say I still don't understand this advice from your counsellor - and my advice: I'd ring her/him and ask her to help you understand what the point of going through this is when it seems like it is just an opportunity for you to feel rotten.

your H sounds resentful and bitter and emotionally detached -

and I agree what is the 'rush' to get divorced?

that is not kind to you and not fair to your relationship....

I like to say protect yourself and I'd also like to say anger is definitely in order at the moment

yes you will go on without this guy and he isn't doing anything to endear himself at the moment ............

at these times I would drive around and scream -

seemed to help a bit.

but I would honestly try to get to tbe bottom of the counselling thing - it is such a cop out to say I am doing because I said I would - WTF does that mean??????

my H said that he would start going again before he left as well - but he said it with such venom in his voice that I decided to decline the offer -

no point being around your H when he is saying thsi stuff to you

and WTF about looking at women differently....????

the only woman he should be talking about in your presence is YOU

sorry this reply is all over the shop - just wanted to empathise with your anger!!!!!!!!!

Corpuswife · 10-03-2009, 10:40 PM

mls: I've been through the MC route with my H. He also went through the motions. He liked going as he felt he has someone to direct our conversations. He doesn't like confrontations or conflict-so she was his savior from this.

However, he was emotionally detached and eventually it became divorce counseling. How to manage the divorce? How are we going to manage the kids, etc? After a month...I told him. "This is of no benefit to me. I am glad it makes you feel better that you can plan your divorce with a PROFESSIONAL. I am out." Every week, I was distraught after the sessions. Horrible.

My counselor said to me one day..."S...you don't need to return to this MC. It's no longer a benefit to your goals. You are being emotionally abused. You H is talking about a divorce and has YET to do anything about it. It's all talk!" Thank goodness for her. That was in April.

He just filed in mid Sept. Of course, I was pulling out the "stops"
to try to deter it in any way possible.

I know have similarities. Give this MC a second thought. If it's too painful for you. It you see nothing being gained after 4 session or more...reconsider. It's hard to get someone emtionally involved again, after they've checked out. He HAS to want it!!

Why do YOU think he's checked out of the marriage?

mls31 · 10-04-2009, 08:29 AM

I should say that once my husband told our counselor that his heart and head are out of our marriage, she said it was up to us if we wanted to continue with the activities she had suggested. I think we continued them because we didn't know what else to do.

I think I was secretly hoping my H would reconsider divorce if he started spending more time with me and maybe some old feelings would surface. Not so much. There is nothing there on his end.

I told my H last night that I can only take so much rejection from him until I decide to shut down too. He keeps making these little jabs at me (from going to my college's football game without me to telling me he's looking at women differently now). I don't know how much more of that kind of stuff I can take.

He says the reason he has checked out of the relationship is because he had no idea that I had a suicidal thought 3 years ago or that I've been unhappy where we are now (3-4 hours away from any relatives). He said if he couldn't tell something was wrong with me, then we are not truly in tune with each other. He also blames himself for my feelings.

I still don't understand his reasons for counseling. I still want us to go to counseling together. Maybe our counselor can shed more light on the situation.

wren · 10-04-2009, 08:39 AM

mls, I empathize with the constant rejection. It does damage.
remember you do have a choice, though. You can end the counseling, if you feel it's only hurting you more.

mls31 · 10-04-2009, 08:41 AM

I'm afraid if I end counseling I'll be forever known as the one who ended it. I'll be the one blamed for not trying.

wren · 10-04-2009, 08:46 AM

You have tried and continue trying. But if his head and heart aren't in it, I fear you will end up hurting more. Of course, counseling can help with closure as well. Do what your gut tells you. Either way, I applaud your determination.

Corpuswife · 10-04-2009, 09:53 AM

So he blames his disconnection because you had a suicidal thought and missed your family????? Here we go blame and excuses.

WHAT role did he play in the disconnection? He states YOUR role...what about his?

This is what I'd do. Tell him that you are going to continue MC. You understands if he just bows out and doesn't attend. Let him off the hook. Tell him it will be good for you to have this individual attention, afterall if you are going to be single then you need some support. Let him know, he's welcome to attend if he feels like he wants to contribute to the marriage.

I was the same way...hoping that one day he'd come into a session and say "I've made a mistake." The changes come much slower than that, if they are changing. The one changes that come overnight...BEWARE of those....they can change again in either direction.

knortoh · 10-04-2009, 03:42 PM

CW as always you are on the money

mls - the blame sits with you?
sorry but that is just a nonsense argument -
I am a logic person and there is NO logic behind that....
just don't waste anytime taking that one on board - throw it out now..you have real things to worry about....

just because you decide that you won't put yourself in a position to be hurt isn't the same as being responisble for ending the relationship....

and so what let's play devils advocate - so what if you do decide to end 'this' relationship....

doesn't mean that you stop loving him and that there is no chance for you guys -

just means you have recognised your boundaries and your limits and we all have to have those....

Corpuswife · 10-04-2009, 03:52 PM

knortoh is right....ending the MC puts you in control. YOu won't feel like you have much at this point. Gather what you can. You need to recognize your limits. I felt like I was being beaten emotionally when I stepped into counseling with my H.

If you are starting to feel this way...bow out.

mls31 · 10-05-2009, 07:00 PM

My brother had the same reply as you guys as far as ending marriage counseling.

He said it's been clear all along who wants to end this marriage and that's not me. He said there is no real reason to "save face."

I still want to go to counseling one more time together. Then I can decide what is the best option.

Someone on this board said I should get counseling to figure out why I've put up with someone who has consistently put me 2nd or 3rd in his life for 4 years. I think I'm going to take that advice.

Loving Husband · 10-06-2009, 07:49 AM

MC doesn't work if both don't work.. I eneded mine cause all it did was make my wife pull back more and want to run more. I don't suggest it unless both want to do it. Now once my marriage is more stable I want to do it again.. Then it will benefit us more.. You deserve better and beating yourself up only keeps you in a bad place.. Why not do counseling by yourself to see what's best??

Corpuswife · 10-06-2009, 09:21 AM

If you feel like one more session than do....continue on your own. However, in all of OUR experiences it takes (2). He said he isn't "in" and his behavior is consistent with the words.

mls31 · 10-08-2009, 04:15 PM

I received another email from my H today (he just can't stay away). He forwarded me an email to him from a mortgage broker. From what I gathered, it had something to do with refinancing our house. We had talked about doing this back in Jan. but decided to wait a bit to see what would happen.

I'm wondering if he sent it to me because now he wants to keep the house and needs my approval? Is this a smart thing to do right before a possible divorce? I'm thinking no. I don't want to pay closing fees on a house I'm never going to live in again!

Also, I'm afraid we're going to have a custody battle over our dog (remember I took the dog to my parents because he had fleas). Since then my H hasn't said much about the dog until last weekend when he said his parents (who live 5 minutes from my parents) would be willing to dog-sit if my parents needed help.

I have in writing from an email where my H said I or my parents could keep the dog. Could this email stand up in court if things got nasty??

mls31 · 10-08-2009, 08:25 PM

I need to vent tonight.

I just called my H. I don't know why I reach out to him because every time I do, I end up feeling worse. I just wanted to call him to ask about a few things at home and tell him my weekend plans and when I plan on coming home.

As usual he could have cared less. He almost seemed annoyed that I called. My bad that I still want to talk to you and still care about our relationship!!

I just don't understand. I am so angry with him. I'm angry that he's given up. He keeps saying that he cares about me and "would take a bullet for me." Really? Because the guy I just got off the phone with could've cared less if I was actually breathing!

Corpuswife · 10-08-2009, 09:09 PM

I would seriously think about totally backing off.

When you are the "chasing" him..he is bound to feel cornered. Everything you do, he thinks "this his her trying to win me back." He backs off..you move forward. You get nowhere.

Make him wonder what you are doing and why you haven't called.

When HE contacts you. No relationship talk. Keep it happy and sweet and short. It's extremely difficult. I did it for 2.5 months.