mls31

I tried today to set up another appointment with our counselor. I would like to meet with her one more time before I move out.

She informed me that my H has taken over the remainder of our sessions we had scheduled. Apparently he is seeking counseling on his own. I'm a bit surprised by this since he seemed so sure of his decisions and future.

Have any of you tried a divorce or grief support group? If so how did you find it and was it worthwhile? I feel like I still need some support and understanding of my emotions.

Corpuswife

I am currently in a divorce group now through my church. It's excellent! Try it...there is nothing like bonding with people that are going through similar circumstances.

By the way...your H is hurting. He my pretend not to....in front of his friends and you but he isn't attending counseling because he likes to talk! haha

knortoh

too true - getting anything out of these guys is like pulling teeth - how cheeky to steal your sessions though! they just don't think....do they?
I have been having counselling for 1 year now! the seasons come and go and still I am there - as you go on with a counsellor the sorts of converstaions that you can have really develop...its i so worth it - I'd sell my house to be able to keep it up - couldn't get through without it...

mls31

I think I had mentioned here once before that my sister-in-law's father was recently diagnosed with brain cancer. The cancer has rapidly progressed which has caused him to be immobile, only recognizes his close family, and is unable to hold a conversation. His time is very limited and he's only 61.

My sister-in-law's family and my family are pretty close. I can't imagine what they are going through. However, I can probably somewhat relate to the grief that her mother is enduring. It has been a heart wrenching few months for both of our families.

I had a thought today where I wondered if something bad happened to me now, if my H would show up to care for me? I highly doubt he would give me the level of care and compassion he once had. I just have this overwhelming sense that he doesn't even care about me now.

I really shouldn't worry myself with these thoughts. After all, I should be moving on and not worry myself with someone who may or may not care about me.

Corpuswife

mls: It's normal...I think the same thing. If I were sick or had this illness or broke my leg...would he care? I imagine myself in those conditions. Funny thing, in my mind, he would care for me??

knortoh

same had the same thoughts - when my H was very depressed early on he said that he had suicidal thoughts - but also thought that a way out of the mess that we were in was if "one of us died" - how is that for negative thinking??? not only is it totally bizaar that he had this thought imagine sharing that thought with your lifelong partner! he really is a simple soul...

I am actually laughing as I write this - but it completely freaked me out - I kept on imagining scenarios where I came home with a bad test result and he his first thought was 'an escape plan'!!!!!!!!

just for the record I think they'd be all over us if we were sick....

Loving Husband

Thats a tough call.. It could be what brings him back.. Almost like snaping out of the hazy they are in to see the reality of life instead of the crap around the marriage. It would put things in perspective. We tend to lose that and get upset at the dumb things..

Corpuswife

Your correct LH. When my H's landlord died unexpectedly it brought up the sadness of life. How this guy died, in jail and alone was heartbreaking. Even the last month of his life-lonely. My H was a witness to this.

Then, my son is going through a crisis. Where would we be without family?

My son is even getting this at 21 years....who is going to be there for you at your darkest hour?

The people who LOVE you want the best for you. They are patient and kind (for the most part). They want to help if you are sick and fallen. They don't ask for anything in return. What is the benefit of being alone...I ask myself. My H wants to be alone when he left.

Now...I believe he is reevaluating that statement!

mls31

I mentioned on here before that I had a suicidal thought a few years ago.

Throughout our marriage I was never happy with the amount of hours my H spent at work and the fact that when he came home he was too exhausted from working to spend time with me. This argument was constant.

Finally, I had this thought that maybe it would be better if I were dead. Then we would never have this constant argument. I had this feeling back then that both of us were unhappy.

I know this is a totally whacky and messed up way of thinking! In fact, just the thought of suicide scared the crap out of me. I decided to buck up and get happy. And I did.

And the fact that I never told my H about this until our marriage blew up, is why he wants to divorce.

knortoh

mls have you ever got to the next part of that argument and got an explanation out of him ?

ok he says that he needs to divorce you because you once had a suicidal thought -

but what is his thinking that connects these two events - because they need to be connected for him to act

he was shocked by the idea of how much you relied on him for happiness (not logical because through your own admission you dealt with it) ....

is it - he thought he wasn't doing right by you - to make yoou feel that bad?

still think it's crap but if he using it as a rationale for his decision it would be nice to know the whole argument and not just the short version....

mls31

I think his reasoning is as follows:

-He had no idea that I was having these thoughts a few years ago. He believes we are out of tune with each other if he couldn't figure out something this major was affecting me.

-I was so unhappy with him that I considered suicide. This is his main thought (but I didn't and still don't blame him. This was something going on in my head that I had to figure out)

-He is happy with the amount of hours he works and the effort he put into our marriage. If I was that unhappy with it, then we shouldn't be together.

This is what I've gathered from him on his reasons for divorcing. Not sure if it's 100% accurate.

Corpuswife

I gotta tell you...it more of an excuse than a reason.

It sounds to me like he said "you had problems with me...then I'm out!"

Like we said before...very FISHY!

knortoh

Yep it's fishy - looking for excuses - lame ones at that -

Loving Husband

Yeah it sounds like he is just pushing it all on you. If he doesn't see the damage he did to the relationship he will face it someday.. Wether its with you or somebody else but patterns will continue to happen until somebody breaks them.. This is why people have more then one divorce.

mls31

The last few days I've had a sunnier outlook. I feel as though I can manage life on my own and I'm excited about the possibilities with my new life. However, I still have times where I think about my H and miss him.

I talked today to one of my co-workers who is also going through this crazy travel training program. She is also married but is having difficulties. She told me today that she wants out and isn't happy. I told her that divorce is hell and that she should try to work on things before she calls it quits. However, a lot of our stories are fairly similar.

It's sad yet comforting to know I'm not alone.