I have a hard day tomorrow. My family and I are going to visit my brother, sister-in-law and her father (the one suffering from brain cancer). This will probably be the last time we see him before he is truly gone. This situation just further proves how life is totally unpredictable and unfair.
I'm feeling pretty lonely tonight. I really miss having someone around. Thank goodness for my dog (or really our dog that I'm keeping) who likes to snuggle with me. However, I would love to cuddle up on the couch with my H and watch a movie tonight.
I've had several friends call me over the past few days. It amazes me how many supportive people I have in my life. But it still doesn't help this lonely feeling I have.
those nights can be damn lonely - I was driving home ls night and saw families together picking up pizzas for Friday night together and I was so angry - and sad and angry and sad - you know how it goes...
I'm just upset that I don't have date nights anymore. I can't imagine watching other happy families (with kids) and feeling that emotion. I was on board to have kids in the next 2-3 years. I guess I haven't allowed myself to go down that road of knowing kids are not in my anywhere near future. That road is way to painful.
I just checked our joint checking account online tonight. Apparently my H got his puppy today. There was a charge from the local vet's office. However, it's a different vet than the one we have always used. He must not have even liked the vet we went to.
I hope his new puppy doesn't pee and chew on all of my furniture!!
Last weekend was tough. It was good to see my brother and sister-in-law; however, the circumstances as to our visit was very difficult. I don't think my sister-in-law's father will make it much longer. His body has already started shutting down.
Everyone seemed okay and was dealing with things fairly well. However, when I saw my sister-in-law's mother, I immediately started crying. I felt in a way we are both going through a difficult grieving process.
I haven't spoken to my H in over a week. No calls, texts or emails. I need to get in touch with him to tell him that I'm coming next week to pick up some more of my stuff. I don't want him or his new puppy anywhere near.
I am dreading even talking to him.
This week has been better. I am accepting the fact that I will soon have an ex-H. I know I will make it and time will make things better.
A big part of me wants to go out to the bar, have too much to drink and flirt with every guy who looks my way. It would be nice to know that someone finds me attractive.
I guess I'll settle for my dog by my side and a good glass of wine.
I sent my H an email yesterday asking about the status of the house and our cars. I told him I'd like to remove my name from our home mortgage, which means he'll have to refinance the house in his name.
He asked me why I was in such a hurry to do this and if I was worried that he would stop paying and leave me in charge of the mortgage payments. I told him that I know he's a good person (at least I think) but I don't know the person he is today and that I was doing what I thought was best for me. Besides, I don't want to have a mortgage linked to my credit report if I decide to buy a house somewhere down the road.
Apparently this pissed him off because he replied with: "I am the same person I always have been."
HA!!!!! Seriously!?!
I want to reply with this: Same person, huh?
Well the D I knew would be devastated to come home to an empty house. The D I knew would work on our marriage and sort through our issues. The D I knew would've realized we had issued and did something about them. The D I knew would support me in my new job, care about my hopes and dreams and worked with me to accomplish our shared hopes and dreams. The D I knew would've invited me to the football game 3 weeks ago. The D I knew wouldn't have told me "I'm looking at girls differently now."
And overall: the D I knew would be absolutely devastated over the fact that we are no longer going to share our life together!!!
Should I hit send? Or should I focus on moving on?
I'm not sending the message. It's too painful to even attempt to have a conversation with my H. Why open myself up to more hurt?
Tonight the loneliness is closing in on me. It's overwhelming. I know once I settle and complete my training program for work that I will be coming home to an empty house. No one will be there to ask how my day was or give me a hug. No one will call me to tell me they're on their way home from work.
It will be me and me only. I'm not prepared to deal with this type of loneliness.
Out of control is an understatement. In his email he asked me how I was doing and if I was still enjoying my job.
HA! As if I'm going to chit chat with him and tell him how I'm doing. Once he filed for divorce, he doesn't get that option of knowing anything about my personal or professional life. That comment really irked me. Besides, I know he doesn't care!!
This week I've told a lot of people about my situation. I'm tired of constantly wondering/fearing that people will ask me about my H. I figured it would be better if I go a head and tell them what's up.
I found out from my former hairdresser (who also styles my mom and my mother-in-law's hair) that she had no idea about our divorce. Apparently, my mother-in-law hasn't said a word! This shocks the heck out of me because I assumed she'd throw me under the bus the first chance she got.
It's amazing how sometimes people surprise you (mother in law, husband, etc).
That chit chat...welcome to my world! My H called to tell me who he ran in to today..what they said (details) and how they know about this n that. OK...he called first to tell me that I didn't have to drop D off...he'd pick her up.
He thinks we are buddies I guess. I'll be buddies with you....during the divorce.
I can't believe these guys call to chit chat and be buddies with you. It boggles my mind and I'M A GUY! I suppose it goes to show how men are not the most emotional creatures on earth. (A duh! statement)
;-)
Re: I think I belong here now
