I got an email from my H is morning. He told me he called our counselor and told her that his heart and head are no longer in our marriage. However, he wants to continue counseling to see if we can make this friendly. He said our counselor wasn't surprised at his reaction and sensed his disconnect in our session.
He also said he called a lawyer today to see what the next steps would be. I sent him an email back urging him not to do anything legally until our next counseling session. I had to by some time.
These questions and thoughts keep circling my head:
-Why do we have to remain friends? I can go through a divorce and be civil.
-Quite frankly I don't want to be his friend if this is his attitude. I don't need him in my life. We have no kids together so there is no real reason to remain buddies.
-The only reason I can think that he wants to be friends is because he feels GUILTY!
-He never even tried to work on our marriage. He just up and quit.
I'm not sure how this weekend will go since our counselor instructed us to spend time together building our friendship. My philosophy is to kill him with kindness. I predict it won't be too long until he no longer wants to go to counseling or participate in our activities.
building a freindship while you are still married and one of you wants out????
sorry this may be fine from a detached couselling point of view - (And even then I find it difficult to believe a professional would be suggesting this -)
but insensitive unintelligent crap from every other - particularly yours
THERE are consequences when you hurt someone deeply - one of them being you don't get to be 'friends' with them anymore.
That is rough but hang in there. Sometimes it's not what it seems. let him run. See how far her goes.. It might be him looking at it as hopeless in the current state.. Doesn't have to stay that way.
I agree entirely with knortoh...These were things he should have worked on in this marriage...Why now?...Marriges are for love and togetherness....Divorces are not for friendship....To me, this is a time of hurt and loss and regret for what happened...I would say move on...Find yourself again, and begin your new life...
There is no reason to be friendly but there is no reason to be hateful either. I there is some financial stuff to split, you might as well do it friendly at the kitchen table. Getting lawyers involved is very expensive and emotionally draining. Good luck!
There is no reason to be friendly but there is no reason to be hateful either. I there is some financial stuff to split, you might as well do it friendly at the kitchen table. Getting lawyers involved is very expensive and emotionally draining. Good luck!
Big difference between acting friendly and being friends
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Killing him with kindness though will probably only confirm his desire to leave. If he sees you backing off, it might be more of a wake up call for him than if you are chasing after him. I'm not saying to be mean and nasty, but give him the opportunity to miss you and think about what he's really doing.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Killing him with kindness though will probably only confirm his desire to leave.
I think I've given him too much space. My job requires me to be away from home Mon-Fri. I am on the road and live out of a hotel during the week. I've been doing this since the first of June. It's not like he has to deal with me on a daily basis.
This adds to my other question. Why is he in such a hurry to divorce? Again, he doesn't have to deal with me being home during the week and lately the majority of the weekends I spend at my parents. We've been apart more than we've been together. It's basically like we're divorce already expect that I haven't moved my things out of the house.
I spoke with our counselor today. I told her that my H and I can't even agree on our goals for counseling. I wanted to get her advice on how we move forward.
She suggested that we take time this weekend to work on our friendship. She said maybe we can agree to be friends at the moment. She also said since my H made it clear as to what he wants (by calling a lawyer) that I need to make it clear to him what I want.
I still think this friends stuff is total BS!! I can be civil but I don't need to be his friend if he wants to divorce. Like I said earlier, he feels guilty and this friend thing is his way to ease his mind. I find it totally maddening.
So I think this weekend I'm going to have a true, civil heart to heart.
I'll admit that I've done wrong, I've hurt him, I haven't been honest with my feelings, and I haven't been happy. I'll also say that I am willing to change to make this relationship better.
I also want him to confess if he's cheated on me or if he has someone he wants to pursue. I want to understand what the rush is to get a divorce.
What you guys think of this?
Also, I just saw tonight that he either de-friended me from his Facebook account or deactivated his account. I thought he wanted to be my friend?? Trivial, I know.
Hmmm I really don't understand that sort of counselling - (re work on friendship?)
if your H was being ambiguous - maybe it would be wise -
but as she herself has said - he is clear about what he wants -
are you clear about what you want?
(maybe you are not and that is fine in my book)
what do you mean when you say you haven't been honest with your feelings?
what do you mean when you say you haven't been honest with your feelings?
A few years ago I think I went through a short depressed and homesick phase. My H and I had just married, moved, lived in an apartment, and had very few friends. My H worked long hours and left me alone most weekends. I felt cooped up in our small apartment where I had no real outside space (we lived on the second floor with only a very small balcony). One weekend was very low for me and I had a suicidal thought, which scared the crap out of me and made me buck up and pursue happiness. I never told my husband this until we started having issues last month. He now blames himself for my suicidal thought. I can say that I have NEVER been that low since then. I've generally been happy other than missing my family and dealing with this divorce stuff.
I just got off the phone with my H from our required weekly phone call. I know I've been feeling down today and I think my H sounded the same way too.
He told me he's been running. I find this interesting since he generally enjoys laying on the sofa playing Xbox. Why couldn't he have taken up this hobby when I was around??! How many times did I beg him to go on a walk with me or ride bikes?!? ARGGGH.
He also said he normally sleeps on the sofa now. You'd think he'd be so happy that I'm gone he'd spread out on the king size bed.
Could he having second thoughts? Is he just asking for sympathy points? Who freaking knows!
If he's a couch potato he might have just ran around the house!
I went through a depression for several years. I had plenty of suicidal thoughts. I can say this today. When it was happening I couldn't admit anything. It's was a sad,hopeless time for me. I was selfish but didn't know how to get out of it. I was really lost.
Like my H now. Poor guy.
You can't read them and if you try you go crazy! Why not the bed...why the coach? Why does he tell you this? over and over and over....never makes sense does it?
My mind is swimming. I really need some help and understanding.
I came home this weekend to participate in our "date" as instructed by our counselor. We went to Target, dinner and then walked around the mall. It was awkward to say the least. I think I'd rather get a root canal. We struggled to find things to talk about. My H didn't want to do much of anything. It was clear he was only going on this date because someone instructed him to do so.
When we got home I told him that my intentions were to still try to fix things and remain married. I said that I was willing to change in order to make things work. Then I asked him what his rush is to get divorced and if there is someone else in the picture. His response: "Sometimes after we talk I get really angry and jump to get a divorce. There is no one else in the picture but I will say that I look at women differently now."
OUCH.
From there we started talking again. We were civil but we talked about the same things. We agreed that our issues are more than just my job and wanting to move.
I asked him if he missed me. He hesitated to answer and I stopped him and said, "if it takes you that long to answer, I know what the answer is." I then asked him if he has doubts about getting a divorce or if we're doing the right thing. His answer: "I don't have any doubt."
However, he agreed to continue counseling and our activities. I asked him why because it seems pretty pointless at the moment. His response: "because I told you I would."
ARGGGH!
He also said that the idea to remain friends after the divorce is pretty silly. He realized that it isn't necessary.
I'm actually rather shocked that he didn't serve me with papers when I walked in the door. Maybe next weekend that will happen.
I am consumed with anger and hurt right now. But yet I know that if it comes down to it, I will survive and carry on without him in my life.
I think I belong here now
