I am trying to get her to come home.i`m just not sure what to do.should i leave her alone. I haven`t talk to her in over two weeks.need some advice.she left june 8,2009.she is staying at her dad`s house.
I think everyone here will say the same thing -
can't make them do anything....
you are only in control of you and your actions....
so the best thing at this stage is to concentrate on you and not on getting her back...
how do you try to get her to come home?
Hey RP, I can be blunt sometimes so please forgive. As soon as you read this go no contact with her. No contact is just that NO CONTACT! Delete her from contacting you in any way, i.e. facebook, myspace, whatever. She has been gone for five months so expect the worse and find you an attorney. Are there any kids involved? If not this makes your break easier, she has made her bed now let her lie in it.
RP, I am so sorry to hear that she has been gone for so long. I have also been married 30 years and am 49 yrs. Old. My wife decided she was not happy and BAM, right after my last child was out of the house, she split; said she wasn't happy, didn't like my negative attitude, bla, bla, bla and poof! Gone! The only difference with me is that she decided to come back after 4 weeks. I know she was not having an affair - she already did that to me 10 years ago and we did work through it. This time it was becuase she wanted to know what she wanted to do with the rest of her life - imagine that; after raising 3 children and all the struggles of life, when it finally comes time for us to have all the time in the world for each other - she decides to separate. Anyway, we are great now - best we've been in 20 years really. So enough rambling about me.
So here is why I bring this up. When she decided to take off on me I made a conscious decision to work on myself. I went through the whole range of emotions just like everyone else on here but the one that really got me was - anger. I turned the anger into positive actions. I went worked on myself both mentally, physically and spiritually. I got myself in great shape, got rid of my negative outlook on things - basically I changed into a better person. Which I guess is what she wanted in the first place - BUT - I was a week away from pulling the plug on us and moving on with my life. I look pretty good, I think I am a decent person to be around and I know I could have just had my freedom and the ability to see anyone I wanted - I had already moved past the anger and resentment; I was actually happy again.
I am just re-inforcing what the others have suggested to you on here. Work on yourself, get yourself where you are attractive to other people. Be decent, respectful and learn from so many years of experience that you have. I know what I am saying is very hard but I honestly don't think that after 5 months she is coming back. And after 30 years; and her age probably, I would be surprised if she hadn't been seeing someone else - I'm sorry, I know that is hard. I am not being very optimistic here but I am trying to let you know that you can move on. The thing you have to decide after you improve yourself is - would you take her back if she came to you? Think about it; you've made changes, you have a new life (sort of); you've moved on and she was the one that left. I, more than likely would not have if it would have been 5 months. I thank God that my W only took a little over three weeks to decide that she was throwing away a lifetime of memories and wonderful times and a great family. Remember, they only focus on the bad, the negative times, which if it was anything like my wife would probably have amounted to 5% of our life together but she never thought of the 95% that was good in us.
Why our partners stray has been asked on here a thousand times but I really think that after 30 years, it has to do with wanting to know what she may have missed; Wanting to experience new things; Wanting more attention; Wanting be paid back for 30 years of dedication. Selfish isn't it? Well, I wish you the best, I am sorry but I agree with the others on here; give yourself a deadline; find a lawyer. After the deadline passes, serve her her divorce papers and move on with your life. As far finding out if she is seeing someone, one way is if she has a cell phone and you get the bill at home. It isn't easy, especially if she has been gone for 5 months.
the most valuable advice is brighterlights advice to make yourself more attractive...
i have been thinking back on our relationship. the times when my wife was the least "happy" with us was when i let myself go physically. she actually acknowledged it in a counseling session. then, when i got myself into great physical shape, here's what happened, in no particular order: she proposed to me, she scheduled a second honeymoon to the bahamas, she "fell in love again" (her words), and she quit her counselor and said "God told her to be with me forever."
as i read brighterlights advice, i want to run to the gym and bust my A$$ back into shape, hit ther tanning bed, rejoin my old hockey league and push away the big macs. okay, so i have done some of that. but the best thing is to accelerate that action.
voivod, your welcomed. I know exactly what you mean about busting your a^&ss at the gym but it does get easier over time. I, like you, change my eating habits; not a diet, just changed eating habits and it made a world of difference. My wife was like yours as well, she also had issues with my weight, which wasn't that bad off but for sure not in shape. Anyway, the good news is that our wives came back stronger than before but I'll tell you it was a tough range of emotions when she left, I was about ready to move on I was so hurt.
RP, there is still a possibility for her to come back but man, after 5 months, that's a long time to disappear. If you get yourself back in shape and become a better person, it's a win win situation for you either way it goes with your W. Good Luck and let us know how you are doing.