I needed to start my own new thread. For those that know me, you know my situation. For those that don't, here is a quick recap.
W and I had issues. Initially I went about everything wrong. Ya know, clingy, needy with her. During this time she was having at least an EA with OM. Went to counseling together and seperately with the same counselor. I opened up deep and learned a lot about myself. But couldn't change fast enough for her. EA has progressed to PA. She had moved out a couple months ago to "get her thoughts together". It was good because it did relieve a lot of tension, but I believe now it was the first step in her mind of the inevitable.
I know it is a PA now. She doesn't know I know. I'm sure she suspects I know, but I don't care.
See the thing is I'm learning about myself. I had issues and although working on each of them individually I couldn't quite put my finger on something that was missing. Now I know what that was. I'm a Mr. Nice Guy. Which sounds good, but really isn't.
I placed my w on a pedastal and gave her everything. I never stood my ground. Deep down I was fearful of her rejection. So I wouldn't rock the boat and avoided all confrontation with her. I became emotionally dishonest with myself and her. All out of this fear and my fear that I would lash out at her and lose her forever.
I wasn't like this with her when we dated. But I loved her more than anything and over time with her personality - very rigid and black and white with double standards for herself and others - this is what I became.
Now I'm breaking free of that with the help of a book and online support group. I won't let this happen in the future. I can't rely on anyone else for my own happiness.
So I am on the path to divorce with her. By the way her EA and PA are with a married man. So I know that will implode at some point.
But for us to ever come back together we both must change. And I realize now she might not like the new me who challenges her and rises to the occassion. She thinks that is what she wants, but really it has to be on her terms. So in the long wrong without her changing, there is nothing.
Just wanted to start a new thread, for my new beginning.
FA: I'm so glad you started another "new" thread. You are a good strong man. A man willing too look deep and discover yourself in new way even though it was extremely difficult.. but necessary.
Your wife will be at a loss when her OM isn't the man she thought he was or she may not care. She "filling" herself up as to not work on herself or her issues. It's a deterent...this affair. Not one thing will come good of her or out of it. It almost never does. You already know this.
I'm like you...when they come around you aren't sure if you will want them back. We are better people now and want better people in our lives.
I'm seeing that now CW. I did look deep and it was hard, but you are right I am better for it. In some ways I feel I've been released from shackles and can breathe again.
I'm on my way. I know sadness will still linger, but that is okay. That is part of life. I'm learning to detach more and more and think of her feelings less and less. I'm almost there.
I'm learning to let things play out as they do and not worry about the outcomes. That is also a trait of a NG. Thinking through all outcomes whether real or imagined. Paralysis by analysis. I've got a long journey to overcome it, but I will.
You know I don't contact my w at all except in regards to my son. I did that for me and it does help get to detachment. Now I'm doing for me and it feels good.
To D8zed. I've never thought about the covert contract thing. Since reading on the other board it is clear I did that to her and to others. What crappy dishonesty that is and was. Got to communicate what I want and not do that. Also the whole caretaker thing is amazing. I find myself doing that, going beyond caring. All for acceptance. It is an amazing thing you have opened my eyes to see. Again thanks.
I'm just posting for me now. Some thoughts I have regarding me. I will be a better person for me. I have the love and support of friends and family who will see me through anything. I've come to realize what I have is greater than what I thought I had just weeks and months ago.
Through my experiences I've dealt or are dealing with childhood issues that I never new existed. I went so far as to discuss those issues with my parents to let them know what they did to me. Not out of anger, but out of love. I didn't expect anything from them. But I assured them I wasn't angry or holding a grudge for the way they raised me. They did the best they knew how and life is hard on us all. I forgave them. Now my father's relationship with me is better than it ever was. We actually connect on a more emotional level.
I'm dealing with a weird anger issue. Where I bottle up my anger for fear of what the other person would say in response, but more importantly what I might say back. So don't rock the boat and try to please. No more. I'm learning to frame my anger from the underlying issue it represents.
I've come to learn that I've sought out approval from all people around me except from myself. That I create covert contracts whereby I assume if I do x then he/she will do y, but never tell them my expectations. So it is doomed to fail if they don't respond. Things like that.
These and a few more things is what made me into what I became with my w. But I'm growing stronger and stronger. For I now see that I can be happy with who I am.
It's so amazine how much we learn or gain from a crisis.
The Chinese have two symbols for the word "crisis"...one symbol is danger and the other is opportunity.
It's wonderful that you are connecting to your parents on a deeper level. Who would have thought? The very people that helped to mold and shape your well being....the people that seemed to critical? Isn't it ironic. It's plays into what you, as an adult, are willing to do. You reached out to them and they came forward!!!
How friends and family have come to you when you needed them. Isn't it amazing? I have been so fiercely independent. My H and I since we were teenagers never asked for ANY help. I decided to come clean with the people that I trusted..."I told them that I was having a terrible time and needed support and things to do and people to see." You know what? They came running. It brings tears to my eyes that so many were willing to hold my hand....
It's wonderful that you discovered the "things" that are important. Most of you all...YOU!
Corpus- You are absolutely right. When my bomb first went off and my wife left in the middle of the night, I was petrified and would sit in our home when our daughter was not with med epressed and panicking. I finally was able to reach out to dozens of people telling them I was in crisis, that i need help and need to spend time with them and their families, and most people came running to the rescue like a knight in shining armour. I rarely am home at night anymore when our daughter is not staying with me- it helps so much to spend time with people and to talk about what is happening. I encourage anyone going through a separation to reach out and ask for help.
Yes it is and I needed this kick in the butt a long time ago. I finally got my copy of No More Mr Nice Guy. My project for the evening. Time to take back control of my life and the person I was meant to be.
CA, yes I"ve already read half of it as of now. And I was doing other things this eveing. Sirch, this book is about becoming an Integrated Male. Based on childhood experiences -- different for everyone -- some of us guys have been groomed to be too feeling etc. It doesn't necessarily come out at once, but here are traits. It is about becoming the person you should be and not worrying about the crap. Most Nice Guys are trying to please everyone but themselves. THey could be successful in business or not, but not to their fullest. Always a doubt,etc. about who they really are and how they should really be. Hard to describe and it seems to depend on your upbringing a lot, but it seems to be a more common phenonenom in the last 20 or so years. Find a copy of the book and read it. I'm through the first 50 pages which is the background and history as it has been pieced together. It doesn't matter if you were the first kid or last, it matters on the cirucmstances of which one at the time.