So my wife and I separated in July. Probably a few of you read my other post. Well as of late some new things have come to light... My wife filed for divorce, I just picked up the papers this morning. But now she is having second thoughts. I also found out that she had an affair right after we decided to separate (which I already suspected but found proof and she admitted it). I am in a really strange place right now. My W says that she is having second thoughts, but they are not strong enough to halt the divorce process right now. She keeps wanting to spend time together but won't stop this process. I am torn between what I should do. As for the affair, I am willing to forgive her and work on our marriage (probably stupid of me but I can't help that I love her). I don't know if I should do this or not. part of me says that I should just cut her loose and move on with my life, but the part of me that loves her tells me to stick it out in the hopes of reconciling... here I am in this mess again. I had finally reached a point of being OK with the divorce then I get this glimmer of hope that it might not happen, yet I am still getting served with divorce papers... I am just really confused right now, maybe you guys can shed some light on this.
My op[inion- if you want to try to save your marriage with any objectivity, tell her no- don't talk to her or go out with her unless she makes an unequivocal statement followed by actions she wants to try to work on the same. Anything less is simple manipulation and mind games to relieve the guilt she is having.
I say tell her you are willing to work on the relationship, but the divorce process must stop. If she isn't willing to do that do you think she really wants to try or to just keep you as a safety net?
Was she sincere with her admittance?
At least she had the guts to tell you - I give her that much.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,597
Re: Here I am a mess again...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Waiting Patiently
My op[inion- if you want to try to save your marriage with any objectivity, tell her no- don't talk to her or go out with her unless she makes an unequivocal statement followed by actions she wants to try to work on the same. Anything less is simple manipulation and mind games to relieve the guilt she is having.
I agree with both posts. She needs to commit if the two of you are to succeed. Otherwise you will just get strung along and it will be even more painful. Good luck.
I totally agree with the other posters. She can't be 1/2 way "in" and testing the waters to make your marriage work.
She needs to be full "in" at 100%. If she's having doubts let her...that's a good sign. Sometimes they things that you want and are out of reach are more attractive. Keep that in mind when she comes knocking at your door.
Thank you all for your advice. FA to answer what you said. she didn't admit it until I found proof. I found an email chain from her to him. It was not pretty. She only admitted it after I told her that I already knew. I agree with you all that she needs to commit. I guess I am just afraid that if I tell her that I can't spend time with her unless she commits, that she will just say ok and continue with the divorce. This is a ****ty place to be. I was just getting used to the idea of being divorced too and now here I am back where I was when we split... this sucks...
BH, so allow yourself to stay with being ok with the divorce. Show her you can take it. If she can't commit, then you are better off now until she comes to her senses and can commit. I know it is hard to do, but the alternative is limbo for you and that is what sucks. You have some control now, use it for you. Not for hurting her or anything, but for you. You should feel empowered, not down. This is your call now, not hers.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,597
Re: Here I am a mess again...
I've recommended this book many times in situations like yours. Read Love Must be Tough but Dobson. It can help you deal with this and might just make her understand just how much she is losing.
So I had a talk with my W yesterday. We have been hanging out and it has been great, but I told her that if she is unwilling to stop the divorce process then I can't do it anymore. I told her that if divorce is what she wants then I can't be her friend. I want to remain friendly but not her friend. I felt like I had to do this because every minute I spent with her just made me want her back more. I love this woman with all my heart. It kills me that she still wants the divorce. I guess at this point I just need to move on. It just sucks because I love her so much and I know she loves me too, but she can't get past her thoughts. Oh well... this is my path and I must take it.
Keep strong BH. Things will get better over time. I'm on the same path as you, so I understand. It is tough, but you really need to think of yourself and your needs. Detach from her needs as best you can.
I feel for you and know how that is for you. I wish I could give you real words of wisdom. Just know you aren't allow in your time. Reach out to friends and family -- I have and it has helped.
Thanks again FA. She responded to me this morning sort of. Said she was really busy at work and would talk to me later. If she is willing to put the divorce on hold, I will work on it, but if not, I just have to move on with my life without her in it.
I just don't understand how someone can say they love you but that they don't want to be married anymore. What happened to we can get through anything together. I am losing faith in marriage. It is a dying institution these days...
Here I am a mess again... 
