Twisting Words
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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 10-25-2009, 12:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Twisting Words

Urgh - I am just fuming this morning!

My husband is so impossible to talk to. He is all over the place about how he feels and what he wants. I have decided, firmly, what I want. We need some real decisions about finances - right now. One day he says he will pay for various things, the next day he says something entirely different. His truck is giving him trouble and he is now talking about buying a new truck. I told him that we really need to work out finances - legally, before he does that because what he buys while we are still married will complicate things.

He insists that he wants a divorce, but then will tell me how much he loves me and how much pain he is in. So, this morning I was thinking... why don't we just file for a legal separation? I called him with this idea. Boy, was that a dumb move!

He changed subjects I don't know how many times in the five minutes or so that we talked. I tried to stay on the track of finances, but he kept trying to go off on how I have changed and how I have to love myself, etc. He whined about having no internet access when I suggested that he could download financial forms. I told him I am so tired of the internet access excuse. Internet access is really not that hard to come by these days. He surely must have friends he could go to. He could go online at work after he clocks out. He could go to the library, etc. Hell, he spent the entire day here yesterday while I was visiting my sister and he was here most of the day Friday while I was at work.

So, I am tired of him saying he is going to file for a divorce and then doing nothing. On Wednesday he said he was going to file, on Thursday he said the same. When I asked him about it on Friday he said he didn't have time. But, he had time to come over here and get some things ready for Halloween with our daughter and mow the lawn??? Not that I am complaining that he did the lawn LOL, but it is just one bull**** excuse after another with him.

So, I called today to suggest a legal separation. He saw no point in it and insisted that he wanted a divorce. I told him that if that is what he wants then he needs to get on it so that we can settle the finances. I asked him when he could pick up the paperwork? He said he didn't know. I asked, by the end of the week? He didn't know. I told him that he either needs to get on it or I am going to go at least get the stuff to settle the finances. From what I understand we can at least start that process without even filing for divorce or separation.

This is where he started twisting everything I said so badly I could hardly keep up with him. I told him that I didn't call to get in a big argument. I had called just to make a suggestion that I had wanted him to think over. He says, oh, but now you want an answer by tomorrow. I said, no, that I told him that I could go pick up the financial paperwork tomorrow if he was not sure when he could go get the divorce paperwork. You see, I am quite sure that what he wants is for me to begin the divorce process so that he can blame it on me. I have told him repeatedly that I do not want a divorce, but I do want to reach some agreements about finances. So, all I am willing to do is pick up the financial paperwork.

We have no real assets or debt, other than our house. He seems hellbent on fighting over nothing. And, he seems convinced that somehow I will have to pay him spousal support even though he makes more than I do. He said he has talked to "people". I told him that maybe he should talk to a lawyer, because when he told me to a few weeks ago, I did. I took her our pay stubs and tax returns and she said that he would be paying me. Again, we don't have much, so it is really just a simple formula to figure out who pays what.

The house is the only real sticking point because my mother has been giving me the money to buy the house (including the downpayment) for years now. My husband claims he wants his share of the house. Well, first of all - we refinanced so many times, that years and years of our debt are now tied up in the mortgage. We owe nearly twice what we bought it for 17 years ago. Given the current market, our house is not worth much more than we owe. I have told him that if he walks away from the house, I will keep the debt, he will not have to pay me support, he can keep his 401k, etc. Just walk and we can be done with each other. He doesn't want to do that. He insists on paying attorneys to fight over nothing.

I am hoping a mediator can help us sort this out. Or, maybe if he goes back to the counselor - but I am not sure he will go back at this point. Apparently the last time he went the session ended with my husband blaming the counselor for the changes in me. He said that the Lexapro has changed me and that now I am "reading all these books" that apparently are turning me into a different person. He rolls his eyes at the word "co-dependent". He says, you don't think you have changed? I said, hell yeah I have. I am tired of being that person. I am tired of letting you do whatever you want while I am miserable. But, at the same time, I do still hang onto a sliver of hope that maybe he will finally start to see things as they really are and we can save this - that is why I do not want a divorce. I don't want to burn bridges.

Thanks for listening.

Sandy
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Old 10-25-2009, 04:14 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Twisting Words

Sandy have been through (am going through) a version of this ...
I have reached the conclusion that I need to work it and out and ask my H to sign or not sign..decide what you want - what you think is fair.

some pratical advice.

if you are going to speak decide what you want/need to say write it down and follow it....

if he has nothing to offer (talking to my H is literally a bit like talking to tweedle dumb and tweedle dee on this) ignore..

and wind up conversation

don't mess emotional stuff in with practical /financial when you
are talking - it's a business arranegement - keep it that way.

keep on venting - this is the palce for it...
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Old 10-25-2009, 06:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Twisting Words

This is what is so hard. I called with just some practical thoughts about trying to get the financial stuff straightened out. But, man, does that guy know how to push my buttons! At every turn he is off on a different subject. It would be much easier to communicate with him via e-mail right now. But, you know... it is tragic - he has no internet access *insert snarky tone here*

Sandy
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Old 10-25-2009, 09:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Twisting Words

Old fashioned letter?
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Old 10-25-2009, 10:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Could do!
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Old 10-26-2009, 01:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Twisting Words

OMG! My H does the same thing to me when we talk. Everything ends up being my fault and he twists my words around. If I tell him anything he some how finds a way to throw it in my face latter on. What is wrong with these guys?
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Old 11-03-2009, 01:42 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Twisting Words

I couldn't resist reading the title "twisted words" - in my case it is my husband twisting the words as well. He understand & remembers what is convenient. We have agreed to text/email anything important so there is no misunderstandings - so sad isn't it.

What is frustrating in the above cases & in mine - the men don't seem to want to take ownership for part of the problem. They would much rather put the blame on others & not admit that they made a mistake. What is even more unfortunate/tragic , is if they never realize or own up to what part they played in the current situation & figure out how to correct it in the future. It is only a matter of time before they will be back in the same mess again.

Sandy I completely understand that you a just trying to be practical & settle the financial aspects - it has to be done. Sounds like you have been put in the position to take action although you would prefer not to because your husband hasn't been able to "find time". I am in the same boat right now & it is frustrating I agree.

Knorth - great advice about keeping business & emotional discussions seperate -sometimes tough to do but think of it as a business deal.

My husband is seeing someone now & suddenly is in a hurry to get the divorce thing going which we have both agreed is going to be the final outcome. But supposedly he is the one in a rush but has yet to make any phone calls or arrangements. Says he has no $$ but yet goes out to dinner, movies with the new woman, plays golf etc - hasn't quite figured out how to adjust his lifestyle to meet his income limitation.
lets see what I have done wrong this week because of course nothing is his fault.
Hang in there Sandy.
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Old 11-03-2009, 08:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
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believer -

In some ways I would swear we are talking about the same guy. My husband and I had an interesting weekend. I now have set a timeline for him to get it together. I am not telling him about the timeline, it is just for me. But, I have to do something because my husband is also dragging his feet. He keeps saying he wants to move on, but then he will whine about how much he loves me. I told him that whining is not going to fix anything, he has to show me he has changed by his actions. So far, there is no indication that anything has changed. I am willing to wait forever if he is actually doing something productive to fix the problems. But, currently there has been no action, and with that I am not willing to wait much longer. If I don't see some real effort by the end of the month, I will be the one filing for divorce.

Hang in there - thanks for your reply!

Sandy
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