Hey guys n gals, sorry if this is a long one, but some back story is needed for an informed opinion.
I have been with my wife for 9 years, six of those married. And we have three lovely kids, a nice house etc. Our romantic life has been a little stale over the last two years, since our youngest was born. She has been miserable mostly, and usually angry towards me for no reason, or blowing things out of proportion when I do a little thing wrong etc. But we have always been loving, kisses goodnight and goodbye, cute nicknames, always cuddling. Then a couple of months ago she went out for a drink with her highschool sweetheart. I trusted her, and she took her best friend along, who was also one of my best friends. She had a really good time and wanted to go out again and again. After two weeks she sat me down the morning after a row about her going out all the time, and said that she wanted to break up as she wanted to be able to go out with her friends without permission. She wasnt cheating (I have proof of this later).
She moved in her parents for a few days, leaving me with the kids as she wouldnt be able to do the school runs, and said it was just a break. After some tears and some very lonely nights, she said she loved me and that we can fix this and she came home again.
Everything was back to normal. I was more considerate and did things for her, bought little gifts etc. But she was cold and didnt even want to try, often refusing cuddles and definitely refusing sex. She doesnt have a high sex drive though, never has, once every two or three weeks is normal. She still insisted on going out all the time though, three or more times a week. I sat her down one day and said look, you arent even trying to fix our relationship, and she agreed and said we werent going to work and ended it again. I accused her of only coming back as she needed someone to look after her for a few weeks after an operation she needed a couple of days after coming home. She said that wasnt true and that She loved me but wasnt in love with me. The very next day, she asked our lodger if he was alright to babysit for her and the first I knew she was going out was when her friend came round to meet her and they were catching the bus into town. Before I had a chance to say anything, she was out the door.
She came home that night after 3am and I went mental, I threw some things around, but never touched her. She said she was sorry, and that she didnt tell me she was going out in case it upset me. Things calmed down and we went to bed after repairing our tentative friendship. The next day we sat down and talked for hours, she explained that she just needed some space. That she wanted to live on her own two feet for a while, and that this may not be permanent, she just needs some time to think. Now I fully believed she was cheating on me and just wanted to end it out of guilt and so she could move on with another man. But she strenuously denied the accusations and seemed genuinely upset that I thought that of her.
Anyway, we sort of beat out a friendship arrangement as we couldnt afford to move out as yet and we had to still live together. Then because I still did not trust her, I installed keylogger (I know its naughty) on my pc. And in the first 40 minutes she was on facebook, she told her friend that her highschool sweety was begging her to run away with her and that they had been kind of in a relationship for four weeks now. But the keylogger confirmed that she hadnt been doing anything when we first broke up, and that no sex had happened, just some drunken kissing on several occasions.
When confronted with this information she obviously felt bang to rights and confessed everything. But she insists that the OM is just what I said, a drunken kissing thing, and that she doesnt want a relationship with him. But she still wants to break up as she needs to be alone for a while.
I spent a couple of days being angry and purposefully being mean to her as I wanted her to hurt as much as me, and everytime we argued, she was always texting people. Constantly all day texting her "friends". and in the heat of the moment, I grabbed her phone and smashed it. She started hitting me. She rang her mum to come pick her up and she left with the kids. I spent the day devastated and alone. She came home in the evening with the kids, we put them to bed then sat and talked. We both said we were sorry and that we wanted to work things out etc. We discussed our problems and decided to give things a go, and if things were not improving in four weeks then we would get counciling.
Two days later she tells me the problem is that she doenst love me like that anymore. I suggested that we get the counciling immeadiately as we needed someone to help us get started. She said no. She said she only really came back to mend our friendship, not re instate a relationship with me. But because of the kids etc, she would be prepared to have a platonic relationship. No sex, kissing, cuddling, or even holding hands. And that she didnt need to go to counciling as she had no intention of fixing our relationship. She just wanted to be platonic friends. She said the platonic thing has nothing to do with her hormones or mental state, as she still gets turned on by other men, just not me.
Obviously this was not an acceptable route for me to take. So we agreed that it wouldnt work, but we would try and be friends. That night we slept together. It was obviously pity sex for me, but it was truly the best sex we had had in years. The next day she was all playful and kept referring to it during the day, and grabbing my ass etc. That night we had even better sex, and there was no denying that it was more than pity sex. There is no point going into details, but needless to say, it was mind blowing.
As we still have to live together for a while untill one of us is able to move out, we have made agreements so that we do not make each other angry etc and so that we can get along.
The main ones being, no going out in the evenings, no relationships untill we are fully seperated etc. The usual get along kind of things you would expect. Its been nearly a week now, and everyday hurts. She is still grabbing me during the day, and insists on cuddles when she is upset. All the usual couple things, without kissing, and with the added occasional chat about what we will be taking when one of us leaves and what we are doing to look for a new place to live. I confronted her today, as it seems we are in a relationship, and actually a pretty good one as far as the past is concerned. I could quite happily live like this forever if we no longer talked of leaving.
So technically we are a couple at the moment, but she insists that she doesnt want a relationship, and has no intention of having one with me.
How can she say those things when we are obviously in some form of relationship?
Why is she still insisting on leaving?
Is she just using me for comfort in this hard time?
Is she planning on a relationship with the OM?
Should I just realise that she is using me untill something better comes along, and just kick her out?
I am so confused at the moment, everytime she mentions us seperating, custody arrangemenst for the kids, dividing up our belongings etc, I just want to break down and cry.
Does it sound like she wants to get back together, but indirectly?
Thankyou if you read all the way through that, and an even bigger thankyou, if you can help shed some light on the situation.
She loves you so much less then you love her. It is not possible for YOU to be fairly treated in a marriage like that over the long run. Sex once every 3 weeks - are you really ok witht that?
And when women love a man less - they feel comfortable doing super disrespectful things to him - like the blatant going out and starting an emotional affair with another man etc. And as you know they also feel fine treating him poorly in bed.
And being sexually cold to you while she pursued another man. That stuff is just mean. My guess is she is being lovey with you to gain a huge emotional advantage so when you sit down to go through the finances of a divorce you will be very generous with her. If it were me - I would tell her - you need to write down a plan for making the money work out/where you are going to live. And you also need to accept that while we can be friendly - I need to withdraw emotionally in preparation for our divorce. So lets be polite - and limit our discussion to the kids and your impending plans. Lets not touch - cuddle or try to act like we are going to be close friends. We may or may not. If you stick to the rules of not going out and are respectful to our marriage until it ends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Icannotsleep
Hey guys n gals, sorry if this is a long one, but some back story is needed for an informed opinion.
I have been with my wife for 9 years, six of those married. And we have three lovely kids, a nice house etc. Our romantic life has been a little stale over the last two years, since our youngest was born. She has been miserable mostly, and usually angry towards me for no reason, or blowing things out of proportion when I do a little thing wrong etc. But we have always been loving, kisses goodnight and goodbye, cute nicknames, always cuddling. Then a couple of months ago she went out for a drink with her highschool sweetheart. I trusted her, and she took her best friend along, who was also one of my best friends. She had a really good time and wanted to go out again and again. After two weeks she sat me down the morning after a row about her going out all the time, and said that she wanted to break up as she wanted to be able to go out with her friends without permission. She wasnt cheating (I have proof of this later).
She moved in her parents for a few days, leaving me with the kids as she wouldnt be able to do the school runs, and said it was just a break. After some tears and some very lonely nights, she said she loved me and that we can fix this and she came home again.
Everything was back to normal. I was more considerate and did things for her, bought little gifts etc. But she was cold and didnt even want to try, often refusing cuddles and definitely refusing sex. She doesnt have a high sex drive though, never has, once every two or three weeks is normal. She still insisted on going out all the time though, three or more times a week. I sat her down one day and said look, you arent even trying to fix our relationship, and she agreed and said we werent going to work and ended it again. I accused her of only coming back as she needed someone to look after her for a few weeks after an operation she needed a couple of days after coming home. She said that wasnt true and that She loved me but wasnt in love with me. The very next day, she asked our lodger if he was alright to babysit for her and the first I knew she was going out was when her friend came round to meet her and they were catching the bus into town. Before I had a chance to say anything, she was out the door.
She came home that night after 3am and I went mental, I threw some things around, but never touched her. She said she was sorry, and that she didnt tell me she was going out in case it upset me. Things calmed down and we went to bed after repairing our tentative friendship. The next day we sat down and talked for hours, she explained that she just needed some space. That she wanted to live on her own two feet for a while, and that this may not be permanent, she just needs some time to think. Now I fully believed she was cheating on me and just wanted to end it out of guilt and so she could move on with another man. But she strenuously denied the accusations and seemed genuinely upset that I thought that of her.
Anyway, we sort of beat out a friendship arrangement as we couldnt afford to move out as yet and we had to still live together. Then because I still did not trust her, I installed keylogger (I know its naughty) on my pc. And in the first 40 minutes she was on facebook, she told her friend that her highschool sweety was begging her to run away with her and that they had been kind of in a relationship for four weeks now. But the keylogger confirmed that she hadnt been doing anything when we first broke up, and that no sex had happened, just some drunken kissing on several occasions.
When confronted with this information she obviously felt bang to rights and confessed everything. But she insists that the OM is just what I said, a drunken kissing thing, and that she doesnt want a relationship with him. But she still wants to break up as she needs to be alone for a while.
I spent a couple of days being angry and purposefully being mean to her as I wanted her to hurt as much as me, and everytime we argued, she was always texting people. Constantly all day texting her "friends". and in the heat of the moment, I grabbed her phone and smashed it. She started hitting me. She rang her mum to come pick her up and she left with the kids. I spent the day devastated and alone. She came home in the evening with the kids, we put them to bed then sat and talked. We both said we were sorry and that we wanted to work things out etc. We discussed our problems and decided to give things a go, and if things were not improving in four weeks then we would get counciling.
Two days later she tells me the problem is that she doenst love me like that anymore. I suggested that we get the counciling immeadiately as we needed someone to help us get started. She said no. She said she only really came back to mend our friendship, not re instate a relationship with me. But because of the kids etc, she would be prepared to have a platonic relationship. No sex, kissing, cuddling, or even holding hands. And that she didnt need to go to counciling as she had no intention of fixing our relationship. She just wanted to be platonic friends. She said the platonic thing has nothing to do with her hormones or mental state, as she still gets turned on by other men, just not me.
Obviously this was not an acceptable route for me to take. So we agreed that it wouldnt work, but we would try and be friends. That night we slept together. It was obviously pity sex for me, but it was truly the best sex we had had in years. The next day she was all playful and kept referring to it during the day, and grabbing my ass etc. That night we had even better sex, and there was no denying that it was more than pity sex. There is no point going into details, but needless to say, it was mind blowing.
As we still have to live together for a while untill one of us is able to move out, we have made agreements so that we do not make each other angry etc and so that we can get along.
The main ones being, no going out in the evenings, no relationships untill we are fully seperated etc. The usual get along kind of things you would expect. Its been nearly a week now, and everyday hurts. She is still grabbing me during the day, and insists on cuddles when she is upset. All the usual couple things, without kissing, and with the added occasional chat about what we will be taking when one of us leaves and what we are doing to look for a new place to live. I confronted her today, as it seems we are in a relationship, and actually a pretty good one as far as the past is concerned. I could quite happily live like this forever if we no longer talked of leaving.
So technically we are a couple at the moment, but she insists that she doesnt want a relationship, and has no intention of having one with me.
How can she say those things when we are obviously in some form of relationship?
Why is she still insisting on leaving?
Is she just using me for comfort in this hard time?
Is she planning on a relationship with the OM?
Should I just realise that she is using me untill something better comes along, and just kick her out?
I am so confused at the moment, everytime she mentions us seperating, custody arrangemenst for the kids, dividing up our belongings etc, I just want to break down and cry.
Does it sound like she wants to get back together, but indirectly?
Thankyou if you read all the way through that, and an even bigger thankyou, if you can help shed some light on the situation.
Let her go and let the whole situation just go...you don't need this. From what I have read, she is playing you hard. Emotionally, mentally, physically, you don't need this! You should not want to be with someone who has stated on many occasions that she doesn't want to be with you. A platonic friendship? Going out all the time? Wanting to live on her own? Thats all great, if you weren't married! Sorry marriage is work, hard work, both parties willing to work...and you have one here who is not willing to work it out with you. As far as the sex...you confusing that for her wanting to be with you bc it's been "great" the last few times...cut it off, cut her off. If she wants to take care of herself and go out and have fun let her. She will soon realize her mistake and if she doesn't...its better that you didn't stick around to end up getting hurt worse.
If she doesn't fix her issues with the marriage it will continue to fail. As you have seen it's a roller coaster ride cause she is living for the moment and not digging deep. Until you guys iron out what is causing the problems this will happen over and over. BTW I don't think she has a low sex drive. She has a lot more then you think but since women are very emotional if she is not in the relationship it will seem like its low but in reality its being covered up. As you saw with those 2 nights of sex. Also, sex was best because your heart was fully in it. This is how sex should be but facts are most mean don't listen to their feelings enough for it to happen.
I tend to agree she is being cruel to you and you need to stand up for yourself - she is all over the shop - don't try and predict the future she will keep on swapping, changing while she is only working on the surface - take care of yourself and demand the respect that you deserve...she can't pick and choose the bits of the realtionship she wants -
Thanks for your feedback!
Its all valid, and it is what Im going to do. I guess I was hoping someone might say something more to my liking. Like, actually, it looks like she wants to make a go of it, but doesnt know how. Or something equally uplifting.
I kind of guessed this is how I should go about things, but she seems so determined to make me happy at the moment. But I dont think its a mind game to get a better deal when we seperate properly. We have nothing to divide apart from DVD's and the kids. And we have already agreed about the kids, and I dont want her chick flicks
I guess Ill have a sit down in the morning and talk things over. Your all right, it can't go on like this.
Cheers again for your input.
I started off by trying to get her to understand, that what she had done was have an EA. She actually accepted that eventually. I then went on to say how what she feels for the guy is based on fantasy etc, and the spark of something new. I then countered with explainig that what we had was a long built loving foundation etc etc. Which she also accepted. But what took the time to make her understand was that the previous problems in our relationship, were nothing to break up over. As she keeps saying that the OM has nothing to do with this split. So I made my point by asking her to provide just one possible other reason why our relationship had to end. Any reason!!!! and she could think of none. She knows that the OM is the reason, but she is in denial and wont accept that fact. She says she just needs to be on her own for time to think.
After reading all about similar situations on here. I can see right through her, even if she is unaware of what is going on inside her head.
But I digress.
Anyway, I had decided to tell her exactly how it was going to be if she definitely decided on the split. And intended to tell her the very good advice that I had received from reading other threads on this forum. I got through the details of what will happen if she insisted on seperation. Which brought many tears, to both of us. And had begun to explain what we would do if she decided to stay. And she got very angry! The main reason being, that I said she would have to cut all contact with the OM. It makes me want to scream and commit bloody murder, the way she is prepared to shrug off a 9 year relationship, and break up our family home over some short ugly part time bartender, who incidently was a prick to her at school when they were going out. And not even give us a chance!!!!!!
So we didnt get far down the road of what could happen to try and fix things. So we argued about what would happen if we seperate. And after some time, we came to agreements on what we will do.
SHE, is going to move out. She never expected that. But I have out and out refused. Also I have conbinced her that it is best for our eldest son, to stay with me, as he does genuinely need a strong male role model at the moment.
And during this meeting of minds, we somehow still ended up friends.
But on the plus side, we did end up having a fantastic evenings and nights sex. I know that shouldnt be what Im after, but its oh so tempting.
Anyway, during today, it has been cutting me up inside, that she says she wants to break up with me because she cannot trust herself not to contact the OM, even if its only to find out how he is doing. And that has roughly translated in my head too,,,,
What she is actually saying, but with different words.
"I dont WANT to stop speaking to him, as despite the fact that I tell you we are not going to be in a relationship, I am actually hoping to **** his brains out and replace you as the kids father"
But I am forced to put on a happy face as I do not want to rock the boat with the decision about our eldest. Who I genuinely believe needs to stay with me for his best interests.
Im guessing I have to grin and bear it and just cut out the happy talk, friendship and sex altogether.
I think she just doesnt realise what it is she is going to lose if she keeps this up. And Im hoping that if I do turn my back on her, that she will finally understand and change her mind. But Im also worried that if I give her the cold shoulder, then the OM who she is in contact with, will seem like a much more tempting decision, as he is still being loving and caring and offering her the support she needs. I dont want to push her into his arms.
Hey I am no expert but I think you are doing good - you have done your research and am going into things eyes wide open...I think the OM thing has to play out - however - it's cr** and you'll end up losing respect for her - but as long as you keep the respect for yourself you'll be fine...in the end
Can it be fixed, or should I make her leave? 
