These two issues/stages have been weighing on my mind recently. I know acceptance is the final stage of the grieving process and forgiveness will eventually come.
I wanted to know how all of you were handling these.
Have you accepted that your marriage is over and your partner is gone?
How can you forgive someone who has hurt you so deeply?
I'm not fully in the acceptance stage but I am getting my feet wet.
I think once we begin to heal fully, the forgiveness will come. Why? Because we forgive for ourselves, not for the one who caused the pain. Eventually, we will let go and allow ourselves to move on.
Sorry to hear about your situation. I too am coping with an impending divorce after a 16 year partnership. Providing we don't allow ourselves to wallow in self pity or depression I think it is a process we must allow ourselves to go through. I'm just glad I'm coping without booze, drugs or one nighters. My therapist said it is like the death process of grieving. Because in actuality it is the death of a relationship. My ex had an EA with a co-worker and left me for her. I am still very angry with him and her. The fact he changed so drastically into someone I didn't even know. And her for having no morals or character. They are a match made in hell. Hope they're miserable. But...eventually once I'm in a better place I won't care. Take care of yourself. Remember people will come and go in your lifetime but you need to be good to yourself.
I struggle mightily with this one. I'd gotten to a stage where i was getting distance and pursing my own life, and then starting hanging out with exWW and got pulled back in emotionally. Then she got diagnosed with cancer (we think it will be okay), and so now I'm even more torn. I feel like I need to support her, but I'm very cautious about trusting her as she's violated my trust too many times to mention.
I'm at a point of forgiveness for most of what happened, because I can see she is in emotional pain and it's not worth holding on to it. Accepting the pending divorce is another matter. Plus we're in a perpetual limbo.
Sorry, I'm hijacking this. I don't know how people cut the cord and move on so cleanly. Maybe they don't have kids. Maybe they are stronger than I am.
I am still having trouble understanding everything that is going on. I cry almost every day I still do not know how to handle all this. I just want all the hurt to go away. I have only been divorce sent October. The only time I feel good is at work where I am putting happy faces on the residents face and give a hug when they ask for it.
I just wish I can have my family back but I know that is not going to happen. I am not handle this very well at all.
We just do our best and knowing that as we move forward and don't dwell that things WILL get better.
It takes so much time and patience.
I think acceptance is a part of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is releasing the anger/resentment/etc that we have and allowing it to just "be." The other person doesn't have to ask for it...we give it.
Sometimes, it's easier to forgive when you see there side of the coin. Not easy. Forgiving someone because they grew up in a damaged household. Forgiving someone because they don't have the skills necessary. Forgiving someone because they were weak and didn't have the guts to say "no." Whatever the reason or excuse (as many would call it)...it's part of their weakness.
It's easier to move on when you forgive. You can even "fake" forgive by saying the words. Eventually, one day, you may even mean them. What's the point? It's like "fake it till you make it." Sometimes you have to fake it for years!
I have come to accept that yes, my marriage is over. Even if my H came back to me today, I don't think I could take him back. There's been too much damage done.
Since I have basically accepted that this is happening, I've been telling more people about my situation. Before I was ashamed and felt like a failure. I didn't want anyone to know.
As for the forgiveness? Wow. That's a big hurdle to jump.
I think I can forgive my H for having doubts about our relationship and being scared about those doubts. However, I CANNOT forgive him for not trying to fix those doubts. At least not yet.
I keep coming back to the fact that maybe he didn't love me as much as I thought since he was so quick to walk away.
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As for the forgiveness? Wow. That's a big hurdle to jump.
I think I can forgive my H for having doubts about our relationship and being scared about those doubts. However, I CANNOT forgive him for not trying to fix those doubts. At least not yet.
I keep coming back to the fact that maybe he didn't love me as much as I thought since he was so quick to walk away.
This is pretty much the same thing I keep thinking. Although it may be a necessary step, I think forgiveness is probably the hardest.
I look forward to the day I achieve that... 7 or 8 years from now...
I met a guy through my work who is also going through a divorce. His wife left him a year ago on Halloween. He has been in a custody battle since then and doesn't anticipate it ending until Jan. 2010. Yikes!
He said his life is still not normal and believes it will take a little longer before he gets to that point. They were married 6 years.
I don't know if I can take a year and a half of this!
mls31, it isn't a matter of if you can take it, you will. In the end you will be stronger. It is hard, no doubt, I'm there too. But there is no escape from it if you are a decent person. For some self centered people I imagine it is easy. But then did they ever love their spouse to begin with. I just can't imagine it being easy - it would mean it wasn't real for me.
It sucks, but it is what it is.
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Kindness, Caring, Love and Understanding for Me, for Her and my son. Well not so much for Her anymore.
My wife of 22 years and I have accepted (for the most part), that the marriage is over, after a 18 month separation. She ultimately filed for the divorce. There were/are so many unresolved issues and plenty of anger/resentment from each of us.
However, we both reluctantly agreed to go through some counseling with our pastor (during this divorce). He discussed forgiveness, among other things. Even though we can forgive each other, we still have a choice of whether or not to try and make it work OR end the marriage and move on...but be friends, for our sakes and our kids.
Because of the damage done and unresolved issues, we will NOT be getting back together, because our marriage is over. However, we will both attend our kids events and even the same church at times.
If we don't forgive, the anger and resentment harbored will eat us up and harm us more than the other person (that wronged us). Many times we must forgive for ourselves and our own health and sanity.
After seeing my H today, I guess I haven't totally accepted that the marriage is over. There is still a small part of me that hopes, wishes and prays that he'll call me and tell me he wants back in and that it'll be my old H who calls me.
I had said earlier that if my H were to decide to make our marriage work, I wouldn't take him back. After today, I'm not so sure. I can't just up and leave him (like he's done to me).
There are still so many emotions I have. Hope, care, friendship (even though I don't consider him a friend), and love. Yes, I still love him. And yet there's been so many hurtful words and actions.
At this point I don't feel that I will ever accept that my marriage is over. Even my w telling me that she is moving forward with divorce doesn't convince me.....I guess I just cling to anything that gives me hope.
Acceptance and forgiveness
