Ilovemyfeelings

I am hurt that my husband moved out Sept. 5 2009. I personally cant speak to him in person or on the phone. The only way I want to talk to him is through email or texting. But he doesn't want to talk to me this way. If it is that he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me anymore, why can't he give me this wish?
Another example: I text saying the van needed to be fixed (for I drive our children to school everyday.) He says,...when I get off my trip we can have lunch and I'll get the van fixed, How's this sound... I text back and say why do we need to eat together to get the van fixed? Didn't get a reply back....
So once again, If I don't do the things he wants I get nothing in return. Doesn't he get that he has hurt me? That I don't want his company... I don't want to be his friend. I am very confused in his NOT compromising with me. It doesn't make sense to me...

Missy38

I can understand were you are came from. I real do not want to talk to my x at this time, but he has my children we have joint of the children. I can see them anytime I want but anyway when I call I ask to talk to the children. It hurt to hear is voice I just want to yell and ask a lot of question but I know I will not get the answer I am looking for. Plus it does not help when I talk to feel like that. I think we both will get thought this just going to take one day at a time.
I just have a hard time understanding why he wants to do lunch to get the van fix. I guess he wants to still control you in same way.
I real do not have a lot answer I just know how you feel. Cause I hurt everyday. People tell me it will go way it going to take time.

Ilovemyfeelings

Sorry to hear that you have to talk to him first to get to your children...My husband called his children to go to lunch but they said NO...and because they said NO he hasn't called his children since Sept., they are 15 and 13 and they have their own cell phones which he pays for...but my children do not wish to talk to him either for they are just so hurt...I don't think time is going to heal this...I think my children are going to be bitter with him for long time...before he left I suggested that we have a pick up place but NOT at our home...he refused to do this too...I WANT my privacy...I guess he would like to walk right in this house like nothing hasn't happen?...like we are the best of buddies?...I don't think so...we are NOT divorce yet...and I'll get custody of our children...there will be NO joint discussion...

I'm sorry for your pain...I have NO answers either because this is crazy to me too...

Corpuswife

It sounds like you have a difficult time setting boundaries.

The van...if you don't like conditions on recieving help then don't ask. He obviously has the upper hand with this one.

If you want your privacy and he refuses a pick up spot...then tell him he is NOT to enter the house at any time. Ask him to call the house phone when he arrives and you will have the kids ready and escort them out of the house.

Tell him what you expect. He doesn't get to walk in. If he can't handle it than change the locks..

Ilovemyfeelings

The problem isn't huge but it still needs to be fixed. Your right, I don't feel I have to ask him, to fix it, but he knows this van takes his kids to school. And by setting boundaries, I will NOT have lunch with HIM while he fixes the van. I can drop it off to get fixed, where ever he wants it to go and he can pay the bill. But I am NOT sitting down and having lunch with him...no...

In the state of Maryland, you can NOT change the locks when going through a separation ...a big no no where I come from. The reason for the pick up place is he loves to start a fight and he drinks (and by setting boundaries) I said, NO, you NOW have to pick you kids up at another location because this house is NO longer a war zone. My kids feel safe now.

You see, he DID NOT TAKE all his things...I gave him two weeks to move his things out. But he did NOT take them...and he would call and show up at the last minute after a drink at the local bar. IT gave me NO time to prepare for his arrival... HE would just came in....So I told him the next time he show up drunk/sober that I would call the cops and have him get his things out and then tell the cops I wanted a NO contact order out on him because I don't feel safe...Now, I have my privacy...because he knows I will do it...

Thank you for your suggestions

I think he tries his best to control me...but I have put my foot down and by doing this....he is controlling me by NOT wanting to fix the van and by NOT wanting to email me...or text me.

He would like it if I would just be his friend and forget all that he has done...and I can't...

So talking to him in person hurts and seeing him hurts...
and I don't want to have lunch with him...... NO...

Corpuswife

You are doing a good job by setting your boundaries as you further elaborated.

You do what benefits you and the kids most.

No lunch-then no way.

By putting your foot down you are saving yourself from his grief.

Its sounds like he still wants contact but if he hasn't fixed his problems (which I'm not sure what they are) than it doesn't sound like any contact would be healthy.

Keep up the good work. It's awful and emotionally draining...

preso

Ilovemyfeelings

He only wants to contact physically or phone (by looking at my face and seeing my eyes or hearing my voice). He can read me well.

I honestly don't think he knows what his problems are or maybe he does, and he is in denial denial denial and doesn't want to own his own problems.

Every time I got close, he just stonewalled me...

That hurts too...

For nine months I tried talking to him but he just pushed me away...and now that he's gone he wants to talk in person drunk/sober....and now I'm "the stonewaller"...and I tell him to email me or text me...but he will not...

Yes I agree about it being awful and emotionally draining...

I believe in working your way out of a relationship NOT giving up because you've had a crisis to happen in your life...OR MID LIFE CRISIS?....geez...I want to pull my hair out..lol.

Thanks for your support.