So here's the sitch: exWW has cancer, which will probably be okay. It's surface, early stage and most likely will get cut out and be done. But, who knows about these things and it's still scary.
We're separated for the 2nd time after a failed reconciliation, I've been dating, she's refriended the guy she had the affair with (which created the 1st one year separation), she claims it isn't currently romantic, but it was at some point between when we split the 2nd time and now. (I hate his guts, wish him death, the first split was devastating to me and their affair was going on during the entire 1st separation...)
So, I feel in a quandary. Given the cancer and the attachment I still feel to her, I want to be available to help her through this. I absolutely do not trust her to tell me the truth. I feel awkward that I'm dating another woman, which feels like a betrayal of both girlfriend and ex Wife since recently I've been spending more time with exWife. The thought of OM in the picture hurts me greatly, and makes me nervous I'm being played all over again.
As I see it there are one of three paths to take:
1. Stay the course - keep girlfriend, be a friend to exWife and keep my feelings to myself. Keeps me from getting too invested in exWife, so if she's seeing/screwing OM it's minimal pain to me. But it feels dishonest and one or all of us get hurt at some point.
2. Insist she end the "friendship" with OM, as a condition of me being supportive of her - which is not at all loving on my part, and even if she did it, there's no guarantees she wouldn't keep seeing him and just lie to placate me.
3. Suck it up and take the risk - meaning, I end it with girlfriend, providing loving support to exWife during her cancer scare, and accept that she's going to see or not see OM, regardless of me. The risk is that she keeps him in the picture, plays me, and I end up feeling used/hurt all over again and prolong this whole splitting up another 6 - 12 months.
Help me understand if I'm thinking about this accurately...
Re: Help me think this thru - I think I'm screwed...
It's ok to assist the ex-wife in some way.
However, as long as you both are involved in another relationship there is NO chance for your relationship. So, if you or her are thinking of rekindling the relationship than both girl/boy friends need to go.
If, on the other hand, neither wants to rekindle the relationship. Keep your life, as is and provide limited support. She can get her support from other family and OM.
It's sounds like you want to see if this may work. If that's the case...tell her but stipulate what you expect from her (no OM...friendship or otherwise).
Re: Help me think this thru - I think I'm screwed...
Thx Corpuswife, I'm open to it working, but not particularly optimistic it will. I'm okay with ending it with the girlfriend (it's not serious), but whether I stipulate no OM or not, it's unenforceable. She knows I hate the OM and I've told her it hurts me, but I don't trust her, so it puts me in a position that I risk further hurt because even if she said she'd end it, there's no way I can ensure it's the case without resorting to snooping and bunch of the stuff I don't want to do anymore. Make sense?
Worst case I get single again, shut down my dating trapline, exWife continues on a secret relationship with OM, we get thru the cancer thing and I'm betrayed all over again. And it's a year later and I'm no farther ahead.
Last edited by seeking sanity; 11-07-2009 at 11:35 PM.
Re: Help me think this thru - I think I'm screwed...
Look at your worse case scenario...if she is "friends" with the OM than more than likely is more on the side (when you aren't looking).
You can't enforce the rules if she doesn't want to be with you than fine. This is YOUR choice at this point. She is the one needing help. Have a heart to heart with her. Tell her your expectations and why. If she is unwilling, tell her you will do what you can. No promises.
Re: Help me think this thru - I think I'm screwed...
I'm trying to boil this down to it's essence.
You don't believe that reconciliation is possible or reasonable.
But ... you can't let go.
You still play family together. Try to be available to her - and continue to maintain an active relationship, meaning that at times, you continue to conduct yourselves as being in a partnership. But with none of the perks.
She is emotionally invested in someone else.
You are with someone else - but still emotionally invested in your ex.
Is that pretty much it?
If you are still wrestling with these kinds of feelings - you shouldn't be dating. Not fair to you. Not fair to her.
As for the ex being ill, it only makes sense that you would want her to be safe and healthy, but don't confuse her dependence upon you being available to help her as desire.
I went through - hell, I'm still going through many of these same kind of issues with my spouse. We have been separated over a year. She doesn't know what she wants. She truly doesn't. I actually give her credit for being honest about her confusion - but I no longer construe her confusion as 'hope'.
She wants the assurance of knowing that someone has her back while she plays at being 'independent'.
Here is my proposition, I would wager the more you start telling her no, stop being available, and set boundaries - the less interested she is going to be in 'hanging out' with you.
It's clear from your posts, that your situation is anything but clear. You are still hanging on - and you need to figure out why.
Re: Help me think this thru - I think I'm screwed...
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You don't believe that reconciliation is possible or reasonable.
Correct, unless she went thru some massive change in perception/personality. I'm not counting on it.
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But ... you can't let go.
Yes. Partly because we have young 4 kids together and single parenting 50% of the time is hard, partly because of ????
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You still play family together. Try to be available to her - and continue to maintain an active relationship, meaning that at times, you continue to conduct yourselves as being in a partnership. But with none of the perks.
Correct!
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She is emotionally invested in someone else.
Sort of. I don't know if she's emotionally invested with OM, so much as invested in feeling only good things which makes him, or anyone with no baggage more appealing.
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You are with someone else - but still emotionally invested in your ex.
Correct.
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As for the ex being ill, it only makes sense that you would want her to be safe and healthy, but don't confuse her dependence upon you being available to help her as desire.
Excellent point, thanks.
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I went through - hell, I'm still going through many of these same kind of issues with my spouse. We have been separated over a year. She doesn't know what she wants. She truly doesn't. I actually give her credit for being honest about her confusion - but I no longer construe her confusion as 'hope'.
She wants the assurance of knowing that someone has her back while she plays at being 'independent'.
Similar to me and a good assessment of things.
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Here is my proposition, I would wager the more you start telling her no, stop being available, and set boundaries - the less interested she is going to be in 'hanging out' with you.
Good idea. I'm on it...
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It's clear from your posts, that your situation is anything but clear. You are still hanging on - and you need to figure out why.
That is the million dollar question. Caregiving impulse perhaps? Probably time for some counselling.
Help me think this thru - I think I'm screwed...
