I need support on this one.... I'm losing it :-(
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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 06-23-2013, 06:39 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy I need support on this one.... I'm losing it :-(

This upcoming weekend is my birthday. My plan was to spend the time by myself and recharge in prep for the upcoming court date.

Yesterday, STBXH and I had a crazy argument over...well EVERYTHING. Basically, our marriage is due to me only thinking about myself, my career (mind you, I've been home most of our marriage with the kids), or...me CHOOSING to be a SAHM and forcing him into poverty, or me CHOOSING to suggest a move to another city in order to be closer to family, for career opps, et al. or...me....NEVER hearing him, NEVER doing well nothing and everything,....basically, it was all me.

And by default, his crappy behavior was merely a RESPONSE from all of my many faults in the marriage.

Ironcially, he's now speaking to his mother and sister again. Both of whom he frequently admits to not wanting a relationship with, yet is now speaking to again...


These two never really liked me because according to them, I was horrible and mean...but, both of them have a very odd and almost incestuous relationship with my H ("he chose his wife over us", "he never loved us like that", "she's [me] horrible, and you're such a wonderful man, who was used and hurt by her [me].") Great, whatever!

After having this sparing match, I just caved. he then asked "do you want to come to [vacation] with the kids and me?"

I was dumbfounded. Then he asked my kids, "do you all want mommy to go on vacation with us?"

WTF???

1- I do NOT want to go! Not because I don't want to be with my kids, yet I don't want to be with HIM.

2- I believe he's using my kids to manipulate me.

3- If I do not go, I'm sure he'll turn this around to mean, "She doesn't even want to be with you all on her birthday!"

Tomorrow, I'm contacting my attny. I will ask, straight-up, if LEGALLY it's a good idea that I go. This way, he can't later turn it around on me to my kids..

What's funny, is that I asked him "If you were so unhappy with me, then why did you not DIVORCE ME?"

He gave a lame excuse about being "in love with the concept of M."

I'm so done with this crap, I just want out.

Advice?

Last edited by persephone71; 06-23-2013 at 06:45 AM.
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Old 06-23-2013, 08:40 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need support on this one.... I'm losing it :-(

You guys sound like you have no clue about personal boundaries.
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need support on this one.... I'm losing it :-(

I agree with Conrad. Is there a go-to book on boundaries that's as good at the 5 Love Languages and His Needs, Her Needs? A friend recommended this one to me, but I haven't gotten my hands on it yet: Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life (9780310585909): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I agree with Conrad. Is there a go-to book on boundaries that's as good at the 5 Love Languages and His Needs, Her Needs? A friend recommended this one to me, but I haven't gotten my hands on it yet: Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life (9780310585909): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books
This is a good one.

The Nice Factor: The Art of Saying No: Jo-Ellen Grzyb, Robin Chandler: 9781905745364: Amazon.com: Books
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:27 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need support on this one.... I'm losing it :-(

I wouldn't go, and I would not let him manipulate you. He'll run his mouth to the kids no matter what you do. If not over this then something else. You can counter it when you have them and as they get older they will see what's going on. Stop engaging him, do not argue with him. If it's not kid related ignore him.
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Old 06-23-2013, 12:04 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you. I will pick this up. Honestly, I'm just so emotionally exhausted by this that I'm done.
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Old 06-23-2013, 12:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I wouldn't go, and I would not let him manipulate you. He'll run his mouth to the kids no matter what you do. If not over this then something else. You can counter it when you have them and as they get older they will see what's going on. Stop engaging him, do not argue with him. If it's not kid related ignore him.
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Thank you!!!

That's why I'm not going. I told him today. Of course he's not trilled, but too bad. I'm tired of putting others' needs first. Primarily his. This stunt is NOT about my kids. It's about him.
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Old 06-23-2013, 12:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you. I will pick this up. Honestly, I'm just so emotionally exhausted by this that I'm done.
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Sounds hasty.

You're likely just about to learn some revolutionary concepts.
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Old 06-23-2013, 01:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you. I will pick this up. Honestly, I'm just so emotionally exhausted by this that I'm done.
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I so know the feeling.

But I have to cast a vote for digging deep and giving it a little more time.

When I came here, I was so spent. I didn't want to try any more, and I didn't even want to want to try. But I read the threads written by loving spouses who were walked out on out of the blue, and couldn't help but think that this is how divorce must feel to kids. And the only feeling I had that was stronger than my irritation with my H and my contempt for him and our marriage was my desire to protect my kids from those awful feelings.

Boundaries will help A LOT. Once I started applying and enforcing them, my relationship really changed. He didn't change, and "we" didn't change, but *I* changed. When my H does stuff that used to totally set me off and make me so irritated, now I feel nothing. Imagine! Imagine your H doing stupid stuff and it doesn't affect you! Seriously, it's like paradise.

I can't say that we're not going to end up divorced eventually anyway. I really don't know yet. But I am certain that if we do, I will be emotionally mature enough to truly put the kids front and center and protect and prepare them as much as possible. I know I'll be able to do that, because I have tools now that I didn't have 6 months ago, and I'm aware of emotional health concepts that I wasn't aware of 6 months ago.

Of course, if he's abusive, you have to go right away. But if not, I really do think it's worth giving it a few months, for no other reason that to get yourself to a place we're you're ready to lead your kids through the next year with more strength and wisdom.
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Old 06-23-2013, 01:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Conrad View Post

You're likely just about to learn some revolutionary concepts.
I did read the excepts on Googlebooks... While a bit "Christian-y" I do agree that the concepts are applicable to the secular perspective.

Unfortunately, the M is over. This is the second time I've filed. We've been in MC twice. We've been M only 7 years. Our issues are indeed boundaries, but also marked incompatiblity, passive-agression & emotional abuse [his], tolerating and enabling poor behavior [me].

I'm in IC to address my issues. He's refused to go.

Once more, thank you....

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Old 06-23-2013, 01:51 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I so know the feeling.



Of course, if he's abusive, you have to go right away. But if not, I really do think it's worth giving it a few months, for no other reason that to get yourself to a place we're you're ready to lead your kids through the next year with more strength and wisdom.
That's the key: There IS HX OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Also, my kids are my top priority; hence, why I strongly believe living with parents who are not healthy in their own love is more damaging than D. We are committed to co--parenting. I'm just not beliver of "stay together for the kids." Too many adults are screwed up because they witnessed poor behavior between their parents.
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Old 06-23-2013, 02:40 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I need support on this one.... I'm losing it :-(

Emotional abuse is by permission.

Effective personal boundaries mitigate it.
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Old 06-23-2013, 07:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Emotional abuse is by permission.

Effective personal boundaries mitigate it.
Disagree.

That's like saying physical abuse is because one doesn't fight back. While I *get* that boundaries can lesson the degree, abuse is due to the ABUSER.

However, for me to establish more healthy boundaries (with him or any future relationship) is MY work.
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Old 06-23-2013, 07:32 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Disagree.

That's like saying physical abuse is because one doesn't fight back. While I *get* that boundaries can lesson the degree, abuse is due to the ABUSER.

However, for me to establish more healthy boundaries (with him or any future relationship) is MY work.
He did nothing to you that you didn't allow

I know it's difficult truth.

Sit with it awhile.
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Old 06-23-2013, 07:42 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Disagree.

That's like saying physical abuse is because one doesn't fight back. While I *get* that boundaries can lesson the degree, abuse is due to the ABUSER.

However, for me to establish more healthy boundaries (with him or any future relationship) is MY work.
You are completely correct P. Do not let others convince you that someone's decision to abuse you, lies with you.

Maybe when people are assaulted the same logic should be used, he was only able to stab you because you let him.

You will be fine, just be strong in going in the direction you have chosen
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