Wanting to contact ex

Bailey369 · 11-11-2009, 01:19 PM

9 years ago I divorced my wife two weeks after our only child died of suicide. I know it wasnt the best time for a divorce but we’ve been having problems before. But that was the last straw. I constantly blamed her for our daughters death and for anything else that went wrong. I had no contact with her for a few years until I heard about her suicide attempt and I went to see her to show some support. That was 6 years ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know it was wrong to blame her and leaving her alone at the worst moment of our lives. I’d like to tell her I’m sorry and start talking to her again or atleast see how shes doing. Do I have any chance after all I did? Should I even attempt this?

knortoh · 11-11-2009, 02:42 PM

B - I am not clear from reading your post what you are hoping for.
I have no idea how your apology might sound - but I am thinking it is at the very least a 10 page letter -
How you ex reacts to this - whether she has any interest in reading it ????
It must have been an unbelievably traumatic time for both of you and I think it goes without saying that you acted in shock and grief...but to blame a mother for the death of her own child .....
if you don't mnd me asking why now? is it playing on your mind a lot?
Why do you care how she is going now?
I really have no idea how to advise you - except to say if i were your wife I am pretty sure you would be the last person I'd like to share 'how I am going with'. So sorry if this is harsh - I odn't know your story - but if your wife forgives you that is a gift that she gives herself -

Bailey369 · 11-11-2009, 05:16 PM

I guess I am hoping to be forgiven, or at least recognized that I'm sincerely sorry of blaming her for our daughter’s death. I did act on grief and shock blaming her for the death. This had been bothering me for years and I feel as if it’s time to do something about it. Obviously, it wasn’t my ex’s fault that our 14 year old daughter committed suicide. She had so many problems and personal issues that she felt like she couldn’t handle life any longer. I guess I just needed someone to blame so went to the person I am (or was) closest to. I'm just curious as to how shes doing. As I've heard through a mutural friend she was never quite the same after her suicide attempt.

Blanca · 11-11-2009, 07:43 PM

that is so tragic Bailey. I think you should contact her. at least write her to tell her how you are feeling and that you are sorry.

knortoh · 11-12-2009, 05:02 AM

Sounds like you have moved on and worked a lot of stuff out - of course you should attempt to say sorry if that is what you wish to do- somewhere in her heart your wife will be comforted by your honesty - I guess you just have to be prepared that it may not 'go' how you would like and as I said your ex may really not want to share with you ever again - but hey you two are part of eachother's life stories - you are connected through pain and love and tragedy - I think it would be incredibly life changing for you if you could make some atonement for having wronged your wife ....what could be more important in life than this?

Bailey369 · 11-12-2009, 11:49 AM

I like to think I have "moved on" and resolved a lot of my problems. You can't really move on after losing a child. You just learn to cope with that gap. I miss our daughter every second. I can't believe it's already been 9 years since I've last seen her or heard her voice. That little girl was taken much, much to early. I still can't believe she's no longer around. I hear my ex is still living very much in the past. Her life has been nothing but downhill since the death of our daughter. Naturally, she had a very, very strong motherly bond with our daughter and they were very close. My ex has been in rehab multiple times for drug and alcohol addiction, has no steady job, still has everything our daughter has owned, she refuses to give away any of our daughters belongings and has been in and out of the hosptial for severe depression and for being suicidal. I can understand her though, she was the one who helped the most when our daughter tried to get her life back together and was the one who discovered her when she OD on the sofa. I blamed my ex for not triyng to resuscitate her. I later found out she did attempt to bring our daughter back, but it was far to late.

So with all this, I've been a little curious of my ex. Even though we had a nasty divorce (it makes John and Kate Gosselin's divorce look like nothing) I still have some feelings for her. I was very cruel towards her. Calling her names and claiming shes the one who drove our daughter over the edge since they had quite an arguement just before our daughter took her own life. I've learned it was other factors not the arguement, that caused her to suicide. But I totally blamed my ex for the death. I'd love to apologize. But she was so angry with me as I deserved that. After her suicide attempt she said seeing me only made her feel worse. With that said, I thought about writing her a letter saying sorry. Should I even attempt that? Or should I just leave my ex alone?

Feelingalone · 11-12-2009, 12:04 PM

Write the letter Bailey, but like Knortoh said don't expect anything in return. I say write it because it sounds like she not only carries the pain of her loss, but also the pain of your accusations about why. Maybe it will ease one part of her pain.

Bailey369 · 11-13-2009, 12:05 PM

I've been trying to write this letter for a while now and still have nothing. Where do I start? I've done so much. It's difficult to write all of it on paper. I'm actually considering just calling her and setup to meet some place and appologize in person. But I don't know if she'll be up for that. I hear most of the time she's out of her mind. I barely know this women anymore and have no idea what to expect. She's not the person I married. Years of alcohol and drug abuse along with depression has changed that. The women I married was highly successful and hard working. Her entire downfall happened after our daughters death and our divorce.

knortoh · 11-13-2009, 12:33 PM

B if you want to do it in person I think at the very least you need to ask her permission in writing -
do you think that you have forgiven yourself?