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Old 06-30-2013, 08:52 PM   #106 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants separation after 24 years

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Originally Posted by lenzi View Post
Dude, I don't know how else to tell you this but you are handling this situation extremely badly.

I get that you are willing to listen to the advice given here and you're even trying to utilize it but the net result is nothing more than a trainwreck. I get that you're life is in shambles and you're an emotional wreck but if you want to get through this thing in reasonably good shape, if you want any chance at all at getting your wife back you need to make some serious changes in your strategy here. Note that I am not saying to 'be mean' because you're mentioned that you don't want to go there and that's fine. Stop being so weak because it's going to push her further away- she's already almost gone and whenever you act like a .. well I'll just say it.. a WUSS, she's even more likely to bolt for good.




In other words, "please don't make me move out".

Again, it's totally up to HER. She's calling all the shots and you're the puppy dog scratching at the door to come in. Figuratively speaking of course.

You want to step up to the plate and get tough. One possibility is that you tell her that you've reconsidered and you're not leaving. If she wants a separation, well there's the damn door.




Your wife is not a friend that you can confide in at this time. She has the potential to be your worst enemy and at the very least, right now you need to avoid sharing your feelings with her. When you tell her you're "scared" (of moving out, of losing her, of the changes in your life) you are telegraphing that you are a WUSS! Say nothing at all, or act like you're just fine with moving out and you're excited to have your own place and freedom or whatever.




In other words, you are leaving this house, and I'm counting down the days and maybe even the hours and minutes.



In other words, I'm totally using you, you're nothing more than a doormat, I have no interest in what you think or feel, this is all about me, and I want you out of here ASAP, although I am somewhat concerned about how my own life may be somewhat inconvenienced and maybe I won't have enough money and we have to work out visitation and all of that. For example, who will fix that broken lamp after you move out?



In other words, stop begging to stay, it aint gonna happen.



She doesn't give a rat's ass about you being mad at her and being selfish. She's already convinced herself that her behavior is perfectly acceptable and it's all your fault that she was driven to such extreme measures.



Dude- I don't even know how to begin to tell you that you are not supposed to share with her that you are reading a book about how to not be a WUSS.

Perhaps you can think about why it's really not a good idea to share that with her? If you can't figure it out, I will explain it in another post.
Thanks Lenzi. You are so right on what you say. I realized this after I saw the message. She found the damn book on her Kindle. When I purchased it, it showed up on hers as available to her as well. LEARNING MOMENT for all of us. Synched accounts carry over. So now they are unsynched.
I now realize what you all were saying. It will be hard for me to "go against the grain" but I now understand how selfish she has become.
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Old 06-30-2013, 08:56 PM   #107 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants separation after 24 years

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Read the first book.

I would think your wife would be into it but you are the man onsite so that is your call.

What is the worse that could happen? She says no.

At least you can say you tried.
I am currently reading it. I need to let my kids know because if she accuses me of rape or tells the kids what I did, I want them to know what my motives were. God already knows. I figure I will try to do something before I move out. I figure what do I have to lose.
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Old 06-30-2013, 09:12 PM   #108 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants separation after 24 years

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I have no problem with planned separations, when tensions get high and you need distance to give each other a little perspective. This doesn't really seem to apply in your case. Also there is no plan to resolve the issues that you have now.

There is nothing wrong with having hope that she will come around, but hope is not a plan. I would not agree to leave until a plan is in place to fix the problem.

1. There should be a fixed time for the separation. Just an open end separation with no goals in between is going to last until she finds her Christian Grey. This will happen, I don't care what she is telling you now, it will happen.

2. Lets say the separation is for 90 days. The first 30 days should be no contact. Your children drive and can come see you, so there is no need for you to go over there. This will give her freedom, but also accountability for all the things you have been doing for her all these years. You need to get to Doc and find out what the real deal is and quit guessing

3. The next 30 days would include fun events together, with forms of intimacy, but no sex. Marital counseling would also be helpful as well.

4. The final 30 day would build on #3, but add sex. Continue counseling and fun events. At the end of this time you can then look to reconcile or just call in the dogs. Being friends is a special thing, but there is no reason for you to settle for what she has left over. You also need to put less credence into what she says and pay more attention to her actions. This is a lot more accurate measure.
The plan is at the start of separation I come do laundry twice a week, see my S18 when he is there. During laundry we will visit, maybe go do shopping that we need. (1-3 hours) After I get W/D set I will go over once or twice a week.
No eating at our favorite spots.

At this time, 3-4 months in the separation if we get this far, we will begin going out once a week to eat, possible movie. No dating. We both feel that this is needed to see if she can reconnect with me.

1) Time for pulling the plug is 1 year. If nothing is different we walk away peacefully. If there are positive changes, we continue with new deadline.
2) Any rules broken will result in her losing me and the kids. Any affairs will result in full all out exposure
3) No dating others, no close dancing or party situations that can lead to affairs are allowed (both agree for various reasons)
4) Wedding rings must stay on
5) We must attend counseling and church before we can R and live together again
6) Febr 17th our 25th anniversary...neither one can go out unless together

I know she may replace me but she is also afraid of falling for someone else, realizing she DOES still love me and being back in this mess, butt worse.
There is signs of her wanting this to work. The problem is more of can she allow herself to love me again. She already sees the changes. She likes them. She is afraid of the harm I caused. I can't blame her there.
NO ONE wants to be harmed by the person who loves them.
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Old 06-30-2013, 09:15 PM   #109 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants separation after 24 years

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We both feel that this is needed to see if she can reconnect with me.
I can't tell you how much I hate this part.

It's all up to her. She has all the power, she holds all the cards.

I'd never let anyone have that much control of my life.
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Old 06-30-2013, 09:28 PM   #110 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants separation after 24 years

The reason I feel I should give her the chance to reconnect is because I caused the disconnection.
I was married to my job and failed to handle my marriage properly. Heck even all the other crap. I failed her there.
She fell out of love with the man I use to be and became this uncaring a** **le. The family knew I loved them, just did not show it.
She does still love me. She says it when her walls are down and she is crying. It's there, but she can't show the affection due to detachment. I am willing to try to give her time to reconnect with the rebuilt me. I am clear minded, and family focused for the first time in about 5 -7 years.

Any man who would walk away from a wife who carried the family that long while they were lost and now she is lost...I can't fathom a proper word.

I understand now what turmoil she dealt with. Guilty as charged. Does that make me stupid for at least trying to give her the chance to reconnect? Maybe. At least I was man enough to try. The least I could do after what she did for the family while I was out of touch.

Once I move out, it will be easier. For now it is a nightmare
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Old 06-30-2013, 09:57 PM   #111 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants separation after 24 years

Why do you think it will be easier when you move out?
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Old 06-30-2013, 10:21 PM   #112 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants separation after 24 years

Not saying it as in being easier separation wise.
Living here in my home, with all these memories, my 2 cats, my son, her beside me on the couch....makes me cry, angry, sad, all emotions but HAPPY. Seeing how my boys feel and how they AVOID talking/texting their mother hurts me. It is painful to her. I know she made this bed, but I still have feelings for her.

These mood swings are tough. I am drinking more than usual to help me sleep when she is not here. House feels heartless(?)
When she is here I can drink 1-2 beers and relax enough to sleep.
I do drink to avoid nightmares from military career & this mess.

When I move out it will be harder for many reasons, but at least it will be a consistent pattern that I can eventually overcome...hopefully
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Old 06-30-2013, 10:23 PM   #113 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants separation after 24 years

From your last post it would naturally follow that when you're living separate and apart from her you'll be drinking a lot more.

That's not good.
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Old 06-30-2013, 10:26 PM   #114 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants separation after 24 years

Please don't give it a whole year. Give about 3 months go cold only kid and financials and if she doesn't make any effort file life is too short it may take almost a year for your court date so you can stop thee process if she turns around.
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Old 06-30-2013, 10:39 PM   #115 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants separation after 24 years

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From your last post it would naturally follow that when you're living separate and apart from her you'll be drinking a lot more.

That's not good.
I am afraid of that myself. I was a major drinker in my early days. I have not been since. Alcoholism is high on my side of family.
My boys have said they will keep an eye on me. My wife says she is concerned (obviously not too much) I am majorly concerned.
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Old 06-30-2013, 10:41 PM   #116 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants separation after 24 years

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Please don't give it a whole year. Give about 3 months go cold only kid and financials and if she doesn't make any effort file life is too short it may take almost a year for your court date so you can stop thee process if she turns around.
Thanks Tom. I never thought of the length of time.

Question: Should I file D or Legal separation if there appears to be any hope?
We (I) do not have much money for lawyers
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Old 06-30-2013, 11:41 PM   #117 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants separation after 24 years

Don't try to pull any BDSM on your wife, because she will not respond positively. You aren't qualified for the dominant position, in her mind, since she is making more $$$ than you. My wife tried to read 50 Shades since her friends had raved about it and and she couldn't finish it, because she said every third sentence was some variation of "Christian Grey is the richest man in the world." It's not the idea of bondage sex with Christian Grey that gets women revved up, it's the idea of any kind of sex with "the richest man in the world."

Ever heard of "female hypergamy?" That's what's going on here.

I am a big fan of "Biblical Marriage." And by that, I don't mean "Feminist Churchian Marriage," I mean a marriage like the kind the dudes in the Bible lived. Ever actually read it instead of just letting some harebrained preacher tell you what's in it? None of those biblical heroes of faith, except for the wittol Abraham, would mishandle this situation the way you have.

I've got prostate cancer and had my prostate out years ago, with the usual sexual side effects, so I know all about E.D. If this is service related, you need to pursue treatment, up to and including an implant, on Uncle Sugar's dime. With one of those, you can pound your whole biblical harem all night without a rest.

What kind of physical shape are you in? typical American sack of , uh, lard? Is the number on the waist of your jeans bigger than 32? That's too big.

Let's talk war plans. What are your S-2 telling you? Have you put a VAR in her car? Have you looked for her burner phone? Why are you sharing all your battle plans (books, self improvement) with the enemy? She is your enemy in the same way Iran is an enemy of the US. Khomenei declared war on the US back in '79 and our so-called leaders have studiously ignored that fact ever since. Your wife has declared war on you, so quit acting like Jimmy Carter and behave like Andrew Jackson.

Stop planning on leaving. Instead file for divorce and ask for separate maintenance. That way she'll be paying you, since she is the high earner. If she wants to split, she'll be the one leaving. Get the best physique you've ever had. Get your d!ck fixed.

Your wife has had you slotted as a beta/delta provider for a very long time. Far longer than you think. She's a nurse, so there is a high likelihood of extramarital activity in the past that you failed to detect. The boys are out of school now and you have fulfilled your purpose. That's why she "suddenly" wants out. You were the delta who politely raised her kids and now she wants to get plowed hard by some psychologically damaged, very rich alphas.
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Old 07-01-2013, 12:08 AM   #118 (permalink)
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Don't try to pull any BDSM on your wife, because she will not respond positively. You aren't qualified for the dominant position, in her mind, since she is making more $$$ than you. My wife tried to read 50 Shades since her friends had raved about it and and she couldn't finish it, because she said every third sentence was some variation of "Christian Grey is the richest man in the world." It's not the idea of bondage sex with Christian Grey that gets women revved up, it's the idea of any kind of sex with "the richest man in the world."

You are correct about the book. All about his long fingers & wealth going into chapter 4 (no sex yet). I made more money than her until she suggested I retire from my job and relax my body in a slower easier job a year ago.

Will be looking at ED problem with doc after I get moved out.

What kind of physical shape are you in? typical American sack of , uh, lard? Yes. I was 285 pounds 3 months ago. Now down to 249. Still way over weight.

Let's talk war plans. Friends, family, co-workers, and myself all agree there is no PA. EA is probable with her female BF. No evidence whatsoever of any hookups or plans of.

Get the best physique you've ever had. Get your d!ck fixed.
In progress at this moment

According to the blog you provided I fit the Beta but probably more Delta group

Last edited by noas55; 07-01-2013 at 12:11 AM. Reason: added info
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Old 07-01-2013, 11:24 AM   #119 (permalink)
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Wow! I finished NMMNG last night. That book has taught me so much about myself. Never knew I was so f*** up.

Now reading MARRIED MAN'S SEX PRIMER
On chapter 4. This book is making me feel physically ill, light headed. It is a tough read for me.
Who ever would have knew this stuff by what we see in society.
I pray it is not too late for me to change. I hope it is not too late for my wife to see the changes and WANT me again.
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Old 07-01-2013, 11:40 AM   #120 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants separation after 24 years

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You are correct about the book. All about his long fingers & wealth going into chapter 4 (no sex yet). I made more money than her until she suggested I retire from my job and relax my body in a slower easier job a year ago.

Will be looking at ED problem with doc after I get moved out.

Yes. I was 285 pounds 3 months ago. Now down to 249. Still way over weight.

Friends, family, co-workers, and myself all agree there is no PA. EA is probable with her female BF. No evidence whatsoever of any hookups or plans of.


In progress at this moment

According to the blog you provided I fit the Beta but probably more Delta group
That's what most of us are, since that's what "society" and the American "churchians" (since about 1840) are pushing as the "correct" behavior.

You'll get better results if you stop violating The Sixteen Commandments. Use your brain and you can see how those will apply to an LTR/marriage just as well as a dating situation.

You probably also need to look at this Attraction Quiz, as well. Remember, as a general rule, sexual attraction is not a choice for women. It's either on or it's off. They can fake it, too. At least until the kids are out of the house or they get the ring. The point being, what attracts is what attracts. Now, that has to be tempered in an LTR, but if you kill all the attractors in favor of being Mr. Nice Guy, your goose is cooked.
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