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Wife wants separation after 24 years

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#1 ·
I am 48, she is 42. Last child graduated 6 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago I asked if there was problems....she wanted to separate. I told her I would leave home because she makes more than me now and can afford the house. I can't pay the bills alone. She was shocked, but accepted because she was planning to basically skip out.
She states not happy, not in love for several years. There was lot of life stress: Over these years I put her through college by working 70 hour weeks and she went to school full time. Yes I was tired and stressed but never complained. Boys had issues in school. Oldest got busted for embezzlement so I spent time helping him get reduced sentence. Had teeth removed for dentures.She had awful medical scare. Overall STRESS. Never any cheating (both agree) BUT she has a female friend for over 5 years and I do believe she has developed an emotional affair with her. This girl complain if she cant see my wife once a week. My wife would rather spend time with her than me.
2 weeks in, I am still at home (apartment not ready until 7/22) We talk, cry, spend time together. Best communication in over 15 years.
She says she is not IN LOVE with me. Does not even want to go on anything like a "date" with me right now. She loves me due to our long history.
We are good friends. We will remain good friends, but I do want my wife back.
I am going to fight for my wife's love. Stupid or not, I still love this lady.
Any advice would greatly be appreciated. I know I am about to take a huge emotional beating, but if she could ever find her love for me again, it would be worth it I believe.
 
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#2 ·
Forgot two reasons she wants separation. She says I have been a control freak because I am jealous of her best friend.
She wants independence. She wants control of her life, but she has no real clue what she is about to get into. I did 90% of the shopping, took care of both cars, handled the budget and paid the bills.
This was never a "I want to do it" scenario. I did it because it had to be done.
The second problem is that I have an ED problem from accident in military. We could please each other by toys/oral sex. I want to go to doctor, but money has been too tight most of our marriage. The ED problem did not become chronic until 2-3 years ago.
We had sex 2- 3 times a week up to 2 nights before I asked about problems.
 
#3 ·
We are good friends. We will remain good friends, but I do want my wife back.
I am going to fight for my wife's love. Stupid or not, I still love this lady.
Any advice would greatly be appreciated. I know I am about to take a huge emotional beating, but if she could ever find her love for me again, it would be worth it I believe.
noas, the following things are red flags to how you're thinking and it's a clear path to ensuring she doesn't realize what she's actually losing.
1. proclamations of being good friends no matter what.
2. fighting for her love even though she thinks she doesn't want you are not good signs.

Draw those lines in the sand if you have to but they are signs that you're taking emotional scraps and that you aren't giving yourself enough worth. At least that's the psychological effect it has on how she views you. Think about it, she has nothing to lose. You'll still fight to keep her if she changes her mind and you'll be her friend if she doesn't. That's the exact opposite things to do if you want her to feel like she's losing something special. You have to place the value on yourself. That's attractive. Groveling for whatever relationship you can get is the worst thing you can do if you want to keep her.
 
#4 ·
So should I not fight to save my marriage. I FEEL like she still cares. Even tonight she can lay in my arms and sleep. I go to move and she snuggles down. I know the love is tarnished, but should I just let her go because she is lost?

As most long time marriage members feel...I never could fathom not being friends. Is my mindset in wrong place?
 
#6 ·
I think you should fight to save your marriage. It's your approach that I think will sabotage your efforts. There's a book called divorce busters that something called the "180" originatated in. Read that book and see if it makes sense. Basically arm yourself with knowlegde so you know something about the emotional dynamics going on in your head and in hers. Good luck noas.
 
#5 ·
Yes.

Everything at this point is counter intuitive. The only chance to possibly get her back is to stop what you're doing.

Practically every guy comes to TAM with a similar story and we all felt the same way. That you can win her back and prove your love. If you can just do that, she'll snap out of it.

Reality is the exact opposite. If you want to guarantee she doesn't come back.. Stay the course.

You'll get all the right advice you just need to follow it.

Buckle up you're in for a long ride.
 
#8 ·
Yesterday was a fun relaxing day with my wife. Lots of laughing, joking, hugs, and such. Remember I am still at home for 4 more weeks. We sleep in same bed, naked as usual, but no sex.
She went to sleep early due to migraine. She fell asleep on my chest and snuggled closer each time I attempted to move away. I got up a few hours later to post stuff here. She came and asked me back to bed. He slept fully entangled all night.

Today was harder. We got separate bank accounts & talked more.
She says she does not want a divorce (both religious and our personal beliefs do not condone it), but is leaning to a permanent separation because of her current status in feelings. She wants to fix marriage, but feels "the fight is out of her". I know she carried the relationship for years while, you could say, I had an A with my job. (70 hour weeks, her college, and stress of running our life)
Jokingly she says I am her Urkel and I am her Laura (FAMILY MATTERS show reference.
I do know the separation will be good for both of us...finish growing up due to early kids and marriage. I never experienced childhood and I basically raised her from 16 years old.
I have looked over THE 180 LIST. I understand the philosophy of it, but it really goes against my character. This is one of the reasons she began to dislike me. I was romantic, funny, spontaneous, etc before kids. After kids I became serious (the protector, Godfather, her names for it)
SIDE NOTE: She is nurse who works graveyard shifts (sleeps 8am-2pm 3-4 times a week) I have a normal schedule. Sex has always been on her off days due to her being tired, even if I was tired from my work. At this time she does not want to see other M. She is not interested in me either. Thought of us seeing other people makes us both UNEASY.
It is not what I want, but I feel there is no difference from what we had marriage wise if we lived apart, but remained married, saw each other exclusively. I know some people have done this.
I know I may not be totally happy, but I feel she is just wanting her freedom away from my control.
Any advice?
 
#11 ·
When a situation doesn't make any sense it is 99% of the time because you don't know all the facts.

Case in point - your wife has got a tight control over you, pulls you close, yet wants separation and her freedom.

She wants her freedom , but wants you to stick around and be her buddy and the guy that takes care of everything for her.

Something doesn't add up, and I suspect you do not have all the relevant information. Get it before your agree to anything.
 
#12 ·
She's having an affair.

As soon as you can put a VAR in her car and a key logger on her pc/laptop. Also get into her phone for texts.

You must know what your dealing with.

Been there and done that..even the other girl part.

Of course she wants her cake and eat it too. You are plan B my friend.

You either expose the affair and shock her into coming back or you continue the path that you currently think is honorable.. (which in reality is enabling her affair and making her lose all respect for you) and you get drug through the mud on your way to divorce.

I know you think you can nice your way out of this....wrong.

Everything you are doing... even sleeping in the same bed is only putting the nail in the coffin.

The right thing is the opposite of everything you are thinking now.

Good work on the separate bank accounts though...that was smart. DO NOT sign a separation agreement.

That is classic cheater script for "let me have my freedom to go fvck anything and everything while you wait for me to get done so i can walk bow legged back to you"

Don't learn the hard way Noa. Your story has played out all over TAM and is not any different.
 
#14 ·
Never any cheating (both agree) BUT she has a female friend for over 5 years and I do believe she has developed an emotional affair with her.
You can't possibly know if she's cheating.

If you suspect something is going on with her and another woman, there's good reason for that.

If nothing else, don't bury your head in the sand.

EYES OPEN.

Figuratively speaking
 
#16 · (Edited)
Thanks everyone. I am so confused right now. I do not know where to turn or what to do.
I know I am like the typical M who first experiences this. Wants to trust, believe, accept their mate as truthful.
I know the people here do not know MUCH about the situation except for what I have told you, our lives or the people involved.
I do not trust people (strangers) easily so please forgive me if I may not appear to be listening or taking your suggestions. I WANT & NEED your help. Small town OK does not seem to have a support group for people like me. :( I just have to learn to trust different individuals right now.

I see people saying she is having an affair. I can't see anyway for a physical affair. I know her work schedule and all the extra time recently has been with me. She goes to her married friend's house who I do agree she has an emotional affair with. Of course she does not see that, but she does agree she is more comfortable visiting her and her family than dealing with HER stress at our home.
Infidelity has always been the #1 taboo for both of us and for the kids too. They would abandon her totally and she knows this because our family has always been open on discussion on all things. (of course she has kept her feelings/problems secret, but you know what I mean) As stated earlier, we are Christians. She is lost, faith wise, because she even knows the reasons stated for the separation are against God's Laws (her words).

MY QUESTION IS: Why are so many of you certain it is an affair and not just what she has stated as being true? She never has really been big on sex. She likes it, but she has always had a low sex drive compared to me. I pushed for it 99% of the time. She stated she misses the intimacy of intercourse (2 years now), using toys do not allow me to be in that position for intimacy. Satisfying was never an issue.
Anyway I intend to begin using the 180 Rules slowly until I can get accustom to them. Remember I still have a month living with her and my youngest son.
Someone mentioned a MARRIED MAN SEX PRIMER (?) What and where do I locate this thing?
Thanks agin for listening and helping me. God Bless You all
 
#20 ·
I see people saying she is having an affair. I can't see anyway for a physical affair. I know her work schedule and all the extra time recently has been with me. She goes to her married friend's house who I do agree she has an emotional affair with.
There you go. She's over her friends house. That's where it all goes down.

Infidelity has always been the #1 taboo for both of us and for the kids too. They would abandon her totally and she knows this because our family has always been open on discussion on all things.
Cheating is taboo for just about everyone, until they cheat. Most cheaters take a risk when they cheat because most friends and family of a cheater will not approve of their act. But they do it anyway.

Why are so many of you certain it is an affair and not just what she has stated as being true? She never has really been big on sex. She likes it, but she has always had a low sex drive compared to me. I pushed for it 99% of the time.
Because the signs are there. She's in love with her friend. She's probably gay whether she acknowledges it or not.
 
#17 ·
noas55, I think you owe it to yourself to do some investigating. Var (voice activated recorder) is pretty easy. Also, do you know her cell, email, facebook, etc passwords? You can check phone messages when she's sleeping or in shower of something. Let's hope there's no affair but you really should arm yourself with knowlegde. Remember you're fighting for your marriage so it's a big deal. Big enough to trump guilt you have over snooping.
 
#19 ·
MMSLP is linked to in my signature.

The reason many think she is having an affair is because she is following the cheaters script.

A nurse that doesn't have time for an affair. They are in the top two or three professions for cheating. I asked a nurse one time if it was even close to the tv show Grey's Anatomy and she said reality was much worse, especially the night shift w with fewer people around and empty rooms with beds.

Let her know her abandoning you will force you to divorce her and she can take that up with God.

You have not gone to a doctor for your ED? Have you tried viagra? Seriously, did I misread that?
 
#21 ·
No doctor on ED. I am interested in pills if they help. Family crisis kept money too tight to afford doctor. I am planning to go (for myself) later this year/early next year) Have no clue on cost.

Never thought of affair at hospital. Her being gay IS possible. Her mother was married 3 times then went gay. They got married the day after we did 24 years ago :(

How can someone throw away their marriage, their security, &their kids love. Just floors me to think of it.

Wow!! That was a brick up the side of my head!

Thanks Chapparal. I will look into the book.
 
#22 ·
I know we had problems bedroom & marriage wise, but I could really sense problems when she started reading that dang book series: 50 Shades Of Grey. She never was a book reader, but she read all 3 books several times then went on to the romance novels. She admits that she got lost in the stories and therefore quit reading entirely for nearly 2 months now
 
#23 ·
Chap's post was spot on about hospitals.

That's exactly what happened with my wife.

Her affair with the other woman happened at the hospital where they both worked. They would sneak into empty rooms and even the bathroom.

When I knew something was up I asked her point blank if she was having an affair with her "friend" and her reaction was "No, I could never do something like that". That night I looked in her phone and found the proof. Confronted the next day and her response was "I wasn't ready to tell you"

Since then I also found out about another EA with a guy.

It's shocking to learn that everything had been a lie.

You need to start mentally preparing for finding a EA/PA.

Hope for the best but plan for the worst.
 
#25 ·
I am preparing. My two sons are wanting to find out for themselves as well. They are very upset about this situation. Both are computer geniuses. My fear is that we find out she is in or has had an affair it will destroy their relationship with mom.
Lot of vodka & grape kool-ade and lots of reading has me realizing the end is probably near.
I am stuck at home with her for another month which sucks. I cant fathom living here knowing she cheated.
I am hoping for the best but planning for the worst.
I am flabbergasted on how we ended up here after 24 years of marriage. I know it happens, but like they say....not to me.
 
#26 ·
You are going to wait till next year to get treatment? Your wife is sex starved. Fifty shades of grey says it all. She thinks you don't care enough to see if you can even be cured.

Many hormones are exchanged that bond a man and woman hlaving sex. You have lost the chemical bond.

Get help now. Go to the doctor and pay over time. You are fiddling while your home burns.
 
#27 ·
I'm sorry your here, but welcome to TAM

Def. investigate the affair route. These are classic signs of WAW. What she perceives as long time issues, rewriting of marital history.

Let me just say that if your in this to keep her, strap yourself in, this is gonna be a long bumpy ride. It can take 1-3 years for them to pop out of the fog. She may never come out, but the minimum seems to be around 1 1/2 years from the b-day speech. A lot of what she told you she's had prepped for 6 months already.

Know there is NOTHING you can do. Know that time and space is her only hope. The kids, u, other family have no bearing on her decisions. She going to have to hit rock bottom first. Nothing you do or say can speed up the process.

Some WAS take drugs, some drink, others just need to hide with sex. It's really sad what happens to the spouse/family, but she won't care. It's not about you, or anything you did, it's all about her. She's gonna be selfish beyond belief, she gonna tear you down to push you away, and even make you feel guilty that it's your fault.

Plz take care of yourself, stay away is the best way to handle it right, as nothing you can do will reach her.

I wish you Good luck, people think they can get prepared for this stuff, but it's never like they think.
 
#28 ·
Why are you leaving, either make her leave or put the house up for sale. She is making the choice to end your marriage.

Have you checked online to see if there is number called/text way too much?

How does she feel about abandoning her marriage and being unforgiven by God and denied heaven? If she is a Christian, there is no way around this fact.
 
#29 ·
I will talk to doctor. I thought the tests would cost too much $2,000 is what wife told me. My funds are really limited now.

I Chose to leave the home because I cant afford it. She can. I want my sons to have a home to fall back on if they cant keep their places or run into crap relationship wise. My youngest still lives with us.

As far as phone numbers/texts...only ones I know for sure are both female...best friend and a co-worker who are like sisters.

She knows she is angering God. She has stated this numerous times. This is why she insists there is no divorce or affairs. When she was going to leave it was as a permanent separation (she still feels this way, but no legal paperwork as of yet)

I now know the sex was more important than she ever led me to believe. I do feel if she is having a PA it is female. WHICH really craps on her Christian beliefs.

At this time she says she feels that God is mad at her and she can not attend church or talk to Him. She is a true believer so I am sure she is totally lost, confused, & scared on her religious beliefs.
 
#30 ·
Talk to your preacher.

What do you mean the only numbers you know?

Have you compared the online bill with her phone for deletions?

Her kicking you out is no different than divorce. Tell her of course you will divorce her and find a loving wife. You are not old enough to give up on a love life.
 
#32 ·
Talk to your preacher.

What do you mean the only numbers you know?

Have you compared the online bill with her phone for deletions?
.
She want go to church or allow preacher to talk to her. She knows she has angered God.
The only numbers that are really numerous are her BFF and female co-worker.
Phone records are all showing that she is being a good girl


I now know she is sex starved, but she says she has simply lost the desire for any sex.
I still do the laundry and there are no signs of cheating, missing clothes, strange cologne, etc.
 
#31 ·
I talked to many of my wife's friends today. many are siding with me on this and do not understand what she is thinking. They all said they have not heard or seen any evidence of PA, but defiantly EA with the two females I have mentioned.

My wife allowed me to see her phone, FB, computer, and more today after I asked her. There was nothing out of ordinary. She was angery and hurt that I did not believe her, but she wanted to show me she was being honest. Of course I know she could hide/delete stuff, but I am leaning on believing her.
She admits she was wrong for not speaking up about the sex issues and not telling me what she desired. She says the 50 Shades Of Grey series opened her eyes to what she wanted and saw us as that couple when we aren't like them. This is the problem. I told her I would read the series in time.
I am dominant in life, but (passive) passionate, caring, loving in bedroom.
She has been passive at home, but dominant at work and everywhere else. Bedroom....90% easy going 5% adventurous (shyly) 5% take charge.
Our talk got me to know more about her desires.
We are going together to doctor in the next 60-90 days for viagra. (My request) I told her I wanted them just in case she decided it was time we could have sex or we went our separate ways down the road. She agreed.

Understand that we are still filing taxes together. I can keep my home address on stuff and such. We have separate accounts now. Financial crap has not been the issue. She wants to handle the budget and pay bills. (More controlling for her) Since she makes more money & my fiances will be strapped, she is paying for all the insurances, AAA, and such. I can go home when she is there to wash my clothes as needed, see my two cats (21 & 3 years old) and she is wanting me to still come watch our shows together at times. I know she is getting her way & me too. I figure I can try to ride this out for a while. She might learn that it isn't so easy and understand why it was hard for me to do it all with family of 4 instead of just herself. She might learn to love me again if I give her the space and time. I truly want her to succeed even if it kills my chances. I am still proud of this woman and love her more than anything.

We are trying to work as a team to not cripple either one of us.
She does not want me to mow her grass, service the car, or do other things like that. She wants that responsibility.

I know this could all change in a heartbeat, but for now it is what I have. Remember she was going to leave quietly while I was at work because she thought I would be angry. God got me to ask that fateful question. She says that one question has made her willing to try a trial separation.
Lot of tears between both of us and open, honest communication over the past 2 1/2 weeks. I do pray the next 4 weeks at home before I leave will be good as well.

She has some things planned like the 4th of July party at her BFF house. The other husbands will be there. She asked me not to go due to situation be uncomfortable for her. I agreed because it is uncomfortable for me too.

I know it is probably not going to work out for the best, but I am praying it does. Maybe she truly loves me, but can't stand to not be in control of her own life anymore. I do not know.

I can tolerate a lot of crap, but not staying exclusive to each other or any cheating is the drawn line. I did tell her that today
 
#34 ·
I wish I had a dollar every time I saw a nice guy write this post on the verge of total failure. I hope you are right about an affair , I doubt it though.

Fifty shades is porn for women. Why do you seem to procrastinate so much?

You need to get the MMSLP book and the No More Mr Nice Guy book immediately.

Honestly you seem to passive to fight this,no?
 
#39 ·
Yes. On all computers. Nothing suspicious.

I understand I am being possibly replaced. She also has been told by both of her sons that this will not be allowed to happen without repercussions of losing them as well.

The boys are asking for a year trial separation with no affairs involved. This includes dating or frequent seeing others.
If not back in love or closer together they will back off.

I feel the same way. See that I have made the corrections I NEEDED and if that is not good enough....I will grant her a divorce so she can move on.
SHE does not like this because the reason for the divorce is not acceptable in God's eyes.

I see how she acts and feels about the religious beliefs adn this is another reason I feel she is being honest about no PA. She is torn apart. Of course I am a man and pretty foolish on these things.
 
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