Quick background. 10 years together, 5 years married. Now 30 and 31. No kids. Life differences pushing us apart - I want a simple, quiet married life, she wants travel and extravagance.
So, I wrote my wife a letter. I've realised we cannot be together unless we both realise what it means to be apart. So I wrote this:
"Okay, here goes everything.
On Wednesday night, we looked at what we didn’t like about each other, and about ourselves. Which was a really good move, it gave us the chance to see ourselves through slightly more distant eyes.
And I discovered that we may not have been as awesome as we once thought we were, despite some of the great times we had together.
We both, in different ways, kinda sucked.
Kinda sucky husband + kinda sucky wife = decent marriage, but with problems.
I, for one, would like to be a better, happier person. I’m not happy with the way I used to be, I was switching myself off to a lot of things that could have possibly made me happy due to pre-judgment through ignorance. That’s uncool.
I am planning to become the awesome human being I know I can become. How? I’m… working on that. To start with, I’m going to take up a version of the old saying “Do one thing a day that scares you.” I might have to reduce this back to, maybe twice a week, but all the things that used to freak me out; I’m going to do. I’ll eat out at a restaurant, by myself, at least once a week. Go to the movies by myself. Take a class – I don’t know what in yet – languages, singing, dancing, who knows? Hell, I might even go skydiving!
But I can, and I will, become awesome. Meanwhile, you’re doing the same thing. Going out, embracing life, friends and family. Also becoming the awesome person you want to be.
Because, if:
Kinda sucky husband + kinda sucky wife = decent marriage, but with problems.
We were thinking about this whole thing with our old brains. You self-described as weak. I self-described as lazy. And when we hit problems in our relationship, did we stand up and fight for it? No, we were lazy, and we were weak.
We started giving up.
No more.
I refuse to let me, old H, lose something that new, awesome H could turn into the best thing in the world.
So, we fight it. It’s like we’ve just been diagnosed with cancer after feeling sick for months. Our response thus far has to be to curl up and die. Ridiculous, really. Because if you’re sick, you seek treatment. Even when it seems like you’re done, you dig in and try something else. Until you’ve exhausted every option – at least then you can die knowing you tried EVERYTHING. We’ve spoken a lot about the symptoms – the resentment, the distance, the anger. But we’ve done very little, together, to look at the actual causes of the problem. Us, as individual people. Neither of us are who we want to be; who we SHOULD be. That is the cause, but both of us at the moment are working on that – working to become the people that we’d like to be, rather than settling for who we are.
You just have to decide if you’re willing to try, to fight with me, for just a little bit longer. You said you wished we could meet back up in a year. See who we both were then, and if those people could sustain a relationship. To see if those people could be people that could sustain the relationship that we both, I believe, wish we could have.
Maybe we don’t need that year. You’ve said that you would never be able to follow your dreams with me, because you’d be worrying that I’d have followed you because I had to, not because I wanted to. I said that you would be wrong, but I had no way of convincing you. Unless you let me try. You’ve discovered what life can be like when you follow your desires, I’m just asking that you give us a chance while I start to follow, and to find, mine.
This may take some time. I realise this. I’m hoping you’re not looking to run into a new relationship – I’m certainly not. If you are, I’m willing to impose an amnesty period when it comes to the “sensitive” side of things. I’ll never ask, you never tell. And vice versa. I used to think that would kill me. Now I think about it differently – we WERE young when we got together. I still don’t think we made a mistake in that, but maybe this would give us more of an idea of what else is out there, you know? If one of us gets emotionally involved, then we can know we were done anyway.
I honestly think that we can be, and should be, one of the greatest couples of all time. When we are good, we’re great. We fall down when we let our weaknesses get the better of us, and this time will help us address these weaknesses. If, at the end of this, we discover through our new self-examinations that we are meant to be apart, at least we will be sure. We may even be able to maintain some form of friendship then, at least we could be sure that we were not meant to be together, in terms of a relationship.
We cannot divorce until a year officially separated. September next year. I’m not asking for a commitment. I’m asking for time. Live now as if you’re single (just try not to catch any diseases. Seriously, it’s dangerous out there these days) Have a ball. Really, I mean that honestly. It’s only lately that I’ve realized that you were right about restrictions. It means we can’t really fully embrace what this would really be like, to be alone (or single, for want of a better term) again. Which is kind of making this situation (experiment?) null and void.
If we can be better people apart, maybe we can be better people together. I honestly don’t know for sure. But we have nothing to lose. I’d love to have you back in my life, but I thought enough about this to realise that we can’t be back together and happy again in terms of how we are now.
This may be confusing, because it seems like I’m trying to save our marriage by splitting us further apart. **** the marriage. Really. For now, ignore that part. Let’s just look at it like two people moving to better themselves, and see how we do. We’ll stay in contact, I’m still planning to email you constantly, call you occasionally, and I still would like to see you at least every fortnight or few weeks, if you’re okay with that. All as a friend – no pressure. No serious “shop” talk. But unless we get the chance to look at what we’re missing, we can never see what we had, and what we COULD have in the future.
Your sister was right about the fact that us trying to date each other now would be a waste of time. We’re in such a state that it would be uncomfortable at best. We know that if things don’t go well, we’ll be divorced in a year. Fair enough. I’ve come to accept that.
This is my version of fighting for us. “If you love something, let it go…” etc, etc, is my new theory. If we can come out of this together, we will be an unbreakable couple. If we don’t, we know it wasn’t meant to be. At least we will have tried. We need to push apart, in the hope that we can come together.
That’s my theory. I want you in my life. I’d love for us to be able to come through this as a couple. But I’m realistic; I’m facing the truth. So I fight with what we’ve got left. The opportunity to go out and see what the world has to offer. And if that brings us back together, great. If not, I really, honestly believe, it may give us the chance to accept that as our fate, and we may be able to pull an incredible friendship out of this whole mess.
I still, and will always, love you. I’m hoping this will give us the space to discover what that love really means to both of us."
Thanks K, it took me two days to get it right, and even then I was hesitant about parts of it. I.... don't know how she'll take it. It's as honest as I can be.
I'm 31, she's 30. She left me as we are having difficulties working out how we can put together the very different life plans we have for the future. I want a simple, normal married life, she wants travel and adventure. I think there is still a lot of love between us, we just have to work out how to put it all together.
I started thinking about marriage, and how it should, at perfection, be like you've only been together for a short time. Like you're still in the Honeymoon phase. Ignore the actual "marriage" part, focus on the people in it. I want to always feel about her the way I did when I proposed, and I want her to always fell the way she did when she said yes.
She thought she needed a break, I've come to understand that I probably did too.
I'm hoping she takes it as honest, an attempt to make our lives with each other work, and a chance to be better people. If it doesn't work out I know even if we aren't still married, we'll both be better people, and may be able to keep the amazing friendship we have - which I'd hate to lose.
I guess only time will tell.
Thanks for the input K, I really appreciate it! She knew this email was coming, I'm speaking to her in 2 days once she's had a chance to digest it. I'll let you know how it went!
Well you are putting it out there - must admit I have opened up to my H through letters 3 times over the last year he has never responded in kind.. and that has hurt - I still write to him - I just don't give it to him anymore...I hope your partner is up for this I really do - it is obvious that you have both love and imagination on your side ...
my counselor and I were talking about how as a culture/society we are very poor at coming up with 'different' models for relationships - my H told me he can't 'do' us and I get that - but I wish that we could find a way to 'do' something - we have two amazing kids and I hate how we have gone from 14 years together to nothing...one of the weirdest things that I have found is that there are these weird unwritten rules for separation just as there are for marriage - I keep on wondering where the hell these conventions came from and why I am adhering to them...........goodness me life is confusing....and dull -
I really am very interested in your story and your approach...
I really feel for you, K, I can't even begin to imagine what this must be like with children involved. That adds SO much more to an already awful situation.
The "rules" of separation threw me too. Separation is, in my opinion, useless, unless it's pure and true separation. How many young couples do we all know who have split up for some reason only to get back together later? My sister and her H dated for 3 years, split for 7 months, then got back together. They now have 1 beautiful baby boy, and another on the way. And they're happy - the most important part.
We put some much focus on the "marriage". Look, take away the license, and it's really just another relationship. That's my approach.
If you're separated.... be separated. I know my wife slept with people before she met me. So did I, before I met her. So if sex (and I'm talking just general, non-emotional sex) happens for either of us, it's not like it's a new thing. I'd rather both of us have the choice, than trap ourselves in rules that make no sense, and ultimately end up making things worse.
The counselling thing can be great - but they have so many rules.
Even if this ends up with her developing an emotional relationship with someone (there has been no cheating of any sort so far in our relationship, by the way), then at least we know we tried.
If you gave your husband the freedom to go out, possibly have sex with someone else, how do you think he would react? And honestly, how do you think he'd do? My tactic is a bluff, really. I'm not going to sleep with anyone else until I'm officially divorced - it's not in my nature. So, being in Australia, I'm facing 12 months of celibacy - not fun, but I'll deal with it. At least this way either my wife gets to experience the life she always wanted, and hopefully we can still be friends, or she realises the mistake, and comes back.
My wife is my best friend. I would hate to lose both my wife, and my best friend. My approach is to try to keep her as my wife, if I can't, then I will still have her as a great friend - and we will KNOW we made the right decision.
I hope. It's a bold approach, but I'm going with it.
E - I am in Australia too ! my H is free - he's gone - he can sleep with whoever he wants he has had EA with work colleague but he now says it was nothing. I have asked him to tell me if he is seeing anyone - as we are still married - but would he be honest with me ? I don't know -
I have been my H's best friend but I am not convinced we have a friendship now - we have some weird relationship over kids - that's it...
K, try taking the power. Tell him that you think he's right, that you need the freedom to "see" other people.
If he's already sleeping with his EA, then honestly - your relationship may be over anyway. I'm risking the fact that my wife MAY find someone else, but at least this way I have a slight sense of control.
If he isn't, there is the possibility that he may freak at the idea of YOU sleeping with someone else, and come begging back.
As the people that get left behind, we spend too much time being sad and lonely. We shouldn't! They screwed us over - we should have the power. But we don't because WE are the ones with the feelings of loss, and depression.
Once you can establish even a slight sense of power or strength in the situation, everything gets easier.
So flip it. Turn it around. With my letter, I think I now have power - even though she left me. Ignore the way you actually FEEL, make them feel like they're going to miss out because of their actions. Be the strong one.
p.s. If you're in Sydney, and we can find some others, we can always organise a "pathetic and alone" party at some time!
E - I am working my way through things - I am finding my strength through not blaming - doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it has been 1 year for me and counting (my H came back for a few months but left again!)...my H would be hurt if I moved on in that way - but it woudln't bring him back either - he is so far on his on trip...I don't think he knows what he wants out of life - I think he just thinks
haven't been happy with K - perhaps I'll be happy without her - he's not yet - but I think he is biding his time till OW and he can respectably get it together ....it will take him some time to work out that she won't deliver the happiness he seeks - he is 'slow' but I won't be waiting and he will just chalk it up to yet another regret...
also he completely f***ed me over when he came back - so he is never gonna risk doing that again .........I am fairly certain my marriage is OVER...
I am way past thinking anything I do can influence him - all I can do is influence myself...
I am in Brisbane - which is a bit of a bummer for us! Otherwise a party is definitely in order -
still hope your letter reaches the heart of your girl - and that it does the trick....
K, you say "also he completely f***ed me over when he came back - so he is never gonna risk doing that again ..........",
is that because of his feelings, or because of yours?
I am the eternal optimist, so I read that like he still doesn't want to hurt you. Which is a big deal, I would think. He may talk a big game, but he still doesn't want to hurt you? Is that right?
E , he's a mess - he doesn't want to hurt me - but you have to understand he also reasons that he stayed with me for 10 years when he didn't love me because he 'didn't want to hurt me'.....
I have recently worked something out about him - he has a fatalistic way of looking at everything -
he argues that he stayed with me because he 'had no choice' and now he argues that he had to leave because he 'had no choice'...he is highly dramatic and romantic -
I am also romantic but my idea of romance is connected to him - not to some imaginary person relationship ...he is very naive ...and I can imagine things won't be easy for him...
you are like me - we are optimistic - and imaginative - you can imagine a way that you and your w can be friends that is wonderful - I really like your thinking
my way of looking at life is as a series of happy accidents - one after the other...having got thehappy part of this accident but I will - I have to - that is my lens on the world... don't want to change it
the way my H views life is as a series of unhappy accidents..he is full of regrets - I have none
we have had a good relationship - he deesn;t recognise this because he has harboured doubts the whole time - when we went to MC he said that he had always thought he could be happier with someone else !!! what a way to live your life...
as my counsellor says people leave good relationships and stay in bad ones all the time - this is counter intuitive - but it is the case...
where does your girl want to go ? why don't you want to go with her?
many many years ago in my early 20s I lived in Sydney and I knew an Austrian girl - she was engaged to a guy back in Austria but they had agreed that she could have a year of complete freedom in Sydney before returning home to get married - goodness me - she took advantage of this - and it was Sydney in the mid 1980s ! I have never seen anyone work their way through so many men - with no hang - ups!!!!!!!!!!
I was thinking of her only this morning wondering if she ended up happy with her fiancee...
The letter....
