I'm losing my husband and best friend...
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Old 11-20-2009, 02:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I'm losing my husband and best friend...

I'm hoping that by writing my story, I can accept what's happening: My husband of 9 years (we've been together for 14) is moving out tonight. We've never had an exciting marriage, but its been comfortable and we've always been there for each other. The problem is neither of us wanted to upset each other, so the important things like our lack of sex life and intimacy didn't get discussed. My husband fell out of love with me at some point and feels he's been dishonest with me and himself for letting things go so long. He's struggling with himself internally and it hurts to watch this. I feel terrible knowing that I helped to cause this turmoil. We've never had a social circle and this upsets him because it was always me and him. He's beginning to make new friends, but its hard for me because I am shy and not outgoing. I want to give him the space to reconnect with himself before we find "us" again. I am just as much to blame for not confronting our issues and I so regret not being open with him. I know we had something at one time and we can find it again but I'm afraid I've lost him for good. I'm sorry this was long, but I've been needing to get this out. Thanks!
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Old 11-20-2009, 02:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Well I have found this forum to be very helpful so you did a good thing by coming on here and posting, for some people that's not easy. I am sorry you are going through this. It's very painful. However, from the little you wrote you made some smart comments such as you do realize that you need to give him space. That's number one right now and number two is that you realize that you caused some of this. It sounds like you two had a good marriage just maybe lacking excitement. You mentioned that both of you didn't want to upset the other by not bringing up some issues such as sex( or lack there of) etc. But look at what is happening now bc both of you chose not to discuss it. Use this time for you. Give him his space but work on you. Get to the bottom of some issues that you feel were your part. Communication is a big part of a successful marriage and that could be where you both were lacking. I know you mentioned you are shy, but get out. Talk to your friends. And if you feel like you don't really have any or none that you want to discuss this with...maybe poss. counseling? Or join a club. Take a class at a local community college. Find what you enjoy and hopefully he will use this time to do the same. That way when you two reunite, you both will have hobbies and interests and that will keep things exciting.
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Old 11-20-2009, 02:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm losing my husband and best friend...

Thanks for the encouraging words. I have friends at work, but none that I want to discuss my situation with. I have seen a therapist and will try to continue my sessions. I want us to go to counseling together, but I know it won't help until he resolves his personal issues. I would give anything for a second chance. Even if we discovered things aren't the same between us, I at least want a chance to fight and know we tried. Is that wrong?
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Old 11-20-2009, 02:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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No not at all of course you want to do everything you possibly can. But understand this Zoe, we don't always get the answers we want. You can't change him you can only change you.
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Old 11-20-2009, 04:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm losing my husband and best friend...

Thanks for listening. I've been reading the other posts and it makes me sad to know that others are going through the same pain, but at the same time, it helps to know that I am not the only one.
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Old 11-20-2009, 06:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm losing my husband and best friend...

Before he told you it was over - did he warn you that the entire relationship was at risk?

Is it that he really fell out of love with YOU, or did he fall out of love with you because he really felt you did not love him, did not care about what he wanted and that you were not attracted to him?



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Originally Posted by ZoeCat View Post
I'm hoping that by writing my story, I can accept what's happening: My husband of 9 years (we've been together for 14) is moving out tonight. We've never had an exciting marriage, but its been comfortable and we've always been there for each other. The problem is neither of us wanted to upset each other, so the important things like our lack of sex life and intimacy didn't get discussed. My husband fell out of love with me at some point and feels he's been dishonest with me and himself for letting things go so long. He's struggling with himself internally and it hurts to watch this. I feel terrible knowing that I helped to cause this turmoil. We've never had a social circle and this upsets him because it was always me and him. He's beginning to make new friends, but its hard for me because I am shy and not outgoing. I want to give him the space to reconnect with himself before we find "us" again. I am just as much to blame for not confronting our issues and I so regret not being open with him. I know we had something at one time and we can find it again but I'm afraid I've lost him for good. I'm sorry this was long, but I've been needing to get this out. Thanks!
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Old 11-20-2009, 09:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm losing my husband and best friend...

I knew that my husband was going through some issues - maybe a mid-life crisis- and questioning everything in his life. He says he feels guilty because he never (as he puts it) loved me "like a husband should love a wife". That he was going through the motions and didn't want to say anything because it would upset me. Since we enjoyed being around each other (or so I thought) and never had arguments, we kept floating along. We never talked about our missing sex life. He never pushed me and it was always easy to blame it on misc health issues. I knew in the back of my mind that we couldn't go on like this for ever, but my shyness and insecurities kept me from talking and bringing this into the open. He has always been so kind and understanding - maybe a little too understanding. So I guess, I didn't love him "like a wife should love a husband" despite loving him with all of my heart. My lack of self-esteem and selfishness has cost me my marriage and I am so ashamed. Everything I do now is probably too little, too late and I don't blame him for leaving.
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Old 11-21-2009, 12:35 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I can not offer any advice, but our stories are so similar it is scary. I posted about 5 minutes ago. We are going through the same, if ever you want to vent off any anger, hate, sadness, or anything else, please feel free. I have pushed my husband to love someone else, and there is nothing now I can do, it is out of my hands. I wish I hated him, but I dont.
When he comes home, we are going to concentrate on being friends, I know it is not going to be easy for me, but for the kids sake I want us to be friends.
He also speaks openly about this new love of his to me, at the moment it is all emotional love, it might sound strange that he does, but I ask him to, and in a small way it has helped me. We still love each other, but like you say my selfishness pushed him away, I have no-one else to blame but myself, I do strongly believe that if she was not in the picture, me and him could of tried.
Is there no way you guys will try, or is it over for sure?
I hope you have a good day, so far mine is okay, woke up at 5am thinking about him. I HATE THAT.
Getting things out of your system helps me, everytime you feel some strong emotions, feel free to go to my thread and let rip. and I hope I can do that here as well.
Sorry no advice, but I hope we can help each other.
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Old 11-21-2009, 11:50 AM   #9 (permalink)
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My day is over, My day was okay, not going to say I did not think of him totally. Because I have been a bit preoccupied lately, I have not spent the time I wanted to with the kids. So today I concentrated just on them, and got through the day much easier. And I need to start concentrating on what I have now, not on what I have lost. I do not think he is sitting there constantly thinking about me, I know that is not the case, so I am not going to give him the satisfaction, of me dwelling on him.
I hope you have an okay day, if not, I am hear to hear you rant for as long as you want.
Take care Zoecat
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Old 11-21-2009, 01:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Don't apologize. I am losing my wife and best friend. We did everything together and I,too made mistakes along the way that helped her in her decision. I love her dearly and this hurts like hell and she tells me this is it, no reconcilliation. It sounds as if you at least have a chance at that. I just found out two weeks ago she wanted out. This is our second marriage and my problem was that I was not there for her kids. I had my own, but I just didnt show her enough in that area. I wish I could have it all back. I wish you the best.
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Old 11-21-2009, 06:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I took a big first step and went out with the girls from work for lunch and a movie. I'm not social, so this was really outside of my comfort zone. I did okay, but someone would say something funny and I'd think of him or I'd remember it was a movie he wanted to see. I'm sitting in my house that is partially empty of his things and I'm crying my eyes out. I'm trying to take it one hour at a time and hang on to the little bit of hope I have.
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Old 11-21-2009, 09:37 PM   #12 (permalink)
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What you did today was a start ok! A step in the right direction. Yes during your time out you were thinking of him but at least you were out. And the more you force yourself to go out...eventually the less you will think of him. For now just focus on even a few minutes of getting your mind off of him. Every little distraction helps Zoe. Hang in there. It is a process but every day every step is a step towards healing.
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Old 11-22-2009, 12:52 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Well done Zoecat, like Ashe22 said, you did it, so that is good. I do exactly what you do, everything I do I am thinking of him, no matter what tiny thing I am doing. We need to just keep busy. Have you thought of any hobbies you would like to do, join a club, I know you say you are not very social, try joining a club, as small as it is, or something even on your own, but get into something new to try. I have joined a run/walk club, I am going to learn to paraglide, going to phone them on Monday, and also want to learn how to surf, met a lady at the run/walk club, her husband teaches, so will sort that out for next year.
I had a blow this morning, I was lying in bed with my 6 year old daughter, and she turned and asked, mom when are you and daddy getting married again, my heart just sunk. I changed the subject. She brought it up because not long ago me and her were discussing this, how me and her daddy were going to renew our vows.
When to tell these kids, I do not know, how to tell them, I do not know when. With him working away, it is not obvious to them, they will see no difference.
Anyway moved his clothes to spare room, for when he gets home in 10 days. Going to box up some of his **** now.
Take care and seriously think of a club you can join, or an activity to do on your own. We are a friendly bunch out there, and you might be amazed how many friends you find.
nanook
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Old 11-22-2009, 01:43 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I am also a very quite and not social person. Id rather stay home watch a movie . So its very hard now that he is gone.Like you we have been together many years 16. and married 8. Three kids. But I am joining a gym so that I can get my mind off of him and on me. Staying home will only make you think about it more . I cried everyday these months because I havent done nothing but work and come straight home. Now after a hard 4 months of separation I feel Im learning things the hard way. The advice here is so applyable and I wish I wouldve listened from the beginning. Sorry you are going through this I would never wish this on anyone! Its really heartbreaking but like you said take it day by day. I am also reading THE SECRET to try to change the negative thoughts that occupy my mind. If you think Positive , Positive things will happen. If you are negative , negativity will fill your mind and life. Well thats how Ive interpreted the book.


My lack of self-esteem and selfishness has cost me my marriage and I am so ashamed. Everything I do now is probably too little, too late and I don't blame him for leaving.

Well I feel the same way but we have to learn from our mistakes. We behaved this way during our marriage lets try not to do the same during our breakups from our Husbands.

Last edited by vgbk; 11-22-2009 at 01:56 PM.
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Old 11-22-2009, 02:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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My husband just stopped by to pick up some things. We watched the game and had some lunch together. Didn't really talk about much, just spent some time with the dogs. This is the first time in several days I didn't break down while he's been around. Is it wrong to spend some time together without discussing all of the issues? We will probably see each other several times a week and while I don't want to brush things under the rug, does it really do any good to re-hash everything every time we see each other.
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