My marriage is ending
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Old 11-24-2009, 07:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My marriage is ending

Hello all. This is my 1st post here. I never thought I'd have to do this, but here goes. My wife & I have been married for 10 years. We have a daughter who is now 18. I am not her biological father but I have been helping to raise this girl since she was 3 years old. The 2 of them have been at odds now since last summer. My daughter is growing up & is exerting her independence, & is going thru probably what all 18 yr. old young adults do. Trying to find themselves, etc. She is a good kid. My wife is a very head strong person & cannot seem to accept the fact that she can no longer control our daughters life. They have frequently argued with name calling, insults, you get the picture. About 2 months ago my daughter decided that she was leaving to go stay with her brother, who lives out of state. She had her mind made up to go, so we did not try talk her out of it. Last week my wife went to visit her sister who also lives out of state. I could not accompany her due to work responsibilities. Last Wed., I got a call from my daughter saying that she wanted to return home, I said ok. She arrived on Thurday. On Friday I called my wife to tell her that our daughter had returned. Well, she freaked out, saying that she wanted nothing to do with her, that she never wanted to see her again, & accused my daughter & me of conspiring against her while she was away on her visit so that our daughter could return without discussing it with her. None of it is true. On Sunday I received a call from her saying that she was not returning home & that the marriage was over. She apparently wants me to throw our daughter out of the house, which I cannot with good conscience do, no matter what. So, I guess because of my wife's stubborness, & downright meaness, the marraige is finished. My daughter is depressed over these new developments, & I know, {although she hasen't told me this} that she is blaming herself for her mother deserting us. I have told her not to blame herself, but I don't know if she is listening to me. Right now she is in her room, thinking, thinking. I refuse to tell her to leave, now matter what my wife says. I do not believe in throwing an 18 yr. old out in the street, but if I do I believe my wife will return. I am between a rock & a hard place, & no matter what I do, I will lose one or the other. I think I am doing the right thing. Am I? I love the 2 of them, but I cannot give in to my wife's emotional blackmail. I have known of many marriages that have failed for one reason or another, but for the life of me, I have never heard of anything like this. Please advise me.
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Old 11-24-2009, 08:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is ending

You are doing the right thing. Continue do the right thing and your wife will come to her senses. You have thought things out correctly it seems. You can cave to her blackmail I can't believe that she would do that, honestly. If she wants a divorce, I can't believe that the real reason is because of her daughter. Call her bluff and see what happens. You seem to have sound judgement. Trust it.
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Old 11-25-2009, 04:41 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by GreenandBlue View Post
You are doing the right thing. Continue do the right thing and your wife will come to her senses. You have thought things out correctly it seems. You can cave to her blackmail I can't believe that she would do that, honestly. If she wants a divorce, I can't believe that the real reason is because of her daughter. Call her bluff and see what happens. You seem to have sound judgement. Trust it.
Well, thank you. I am also starting to think that she is using our daughter as an excuse to leave. We have had a rocky marriage at times & has threatened on more than 1 occasion to leave. She is now living with her sister. I know that she is blaming me for this & that's fine. But, I have to draw the line somewhere & I refuse to give in to irrational thinking on her part. I intend to stick to my guns. And to be frank, I don't know if I want to be in a relationship with a person who would expect me to do what I have described above.
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Old 11-25-2009, 06:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Barrett01 View Post
Well, thank you. I am also starting to think that she is using our daughter as an excuse to leave. We have had a rocky marriage at times & has threatened on more than 1 occasion to leave. She is now living with her sister. I know that she is blaming me for this & that's fine. But, I have to draw the line somewhere & I refuse to give in to irrational thinking on her part. I intend to stick to my guns. And to be frank, I don't know if I want to be in a relationship with a person who would expect me to do what I have described above.

Good for you fella. Stick to your guns - you're right here.
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Old 11-25-2009, 10:23 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My marriage is ending

Focus on what YOU want. Don't listen to the external noise. This is YOUR life and you get to decide how you want to live it.
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Old 11-25-2009, 12:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Wow! I can not believe it, your wife has either gone mad, or using it as an excuse to get out. I am sure she will calm down, It sounds all too over the top, like a movie.
I can just imagine what is going in your head, confusion mainly.
Moms and daughters fight, it is life, I fought with my mom, but she would never kick me out. Like you say she is not a bad kid, just finding herself, and as frustrating as it is for parents to watch, if they are safe, we need to just give them that space to go do what teens do. You hang in there, you are doing the right thing.
Good luck, and I hope your wife is back soon.
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Old 11-25-2009, 03:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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My wife left me last month and it was similar- things were going OK and she created an excuse to leave. Google walkaway wife syndrome and read. You are doing the right thing sticking by your daughter. You should ask your wife to move in for a few days and go to "family counseling" with you and your daughter. Then suggest some separate sessions for you and your wife and use it as an excuse to do marriage counseling. Try to get to the bottom of why she wants to leave (it has nothing to do with your daughter) and hope for the best. If it results in divorce you can live with yourself knowing that you gave it your best shot.
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Old 11-25-2009, 08:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank u all for you're support. I intend to stick to my guns. I haven't spoken to my wife, the ball is in her court. Had an enjoyable evening with my daughter. Grabbed a bite to eat & a good talk. She even made a couple pumpkin pies for turkey day. We are looking forward to Thanksgiving, as we are going to my sisters for dinner. I have a big family & we are close, so all in all I guess I have a lot to be thankful for. God bless.
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Old 11-25-2009, 08:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I appreciate your sound judgement. Emotional blackmail is a good word for this situation.

Keep on using that noggin!
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