Ok so my story is a little old, but I would still like some advice if you have it.
I have been married to my husband for 4.5 years. I love him to death... before we got together he was dating this other girl she got pregnant, found out it was not his so they split ways. I have been friends with him for 16 years so I knew what all this did to him. To make a real long story shorter, we ended up getting together and married, Well about 2 years ago his ex started emailing him and said that she needed some things that she would like to get off her chest. I told him that it was ok for him to email her back (he did ask) well she basically said that she just wanted to say how sorry she was for what she had done to him all those years ago. I was fine with that I even felt a little sorry for this girl.
Then he started talking to her behind my back about our marriage, out son, whatever. The only reason I found out was because he left his email up when he went to the store one eve. I asked him about it and he said that it was nothing. I read these emails and they were not nothing, they were kinda one sided though, she liked to talk about the fun things they would do when they used to have sex, and almost every subject no matter what it was she turned into a sex talk. He never responded to the whole sex things but he never told her to to talk about stuff like that either. We ended up fighting about this every single day. He said that I was too jealous and managed to turn it around to make me feel like i was a physco. Anyway he ended up leaving me, he said that it was not about another women it was just he did not want to be married anymore blah blah blah. Well he moved 3 hours away never saw our son, he was not the smartest about it though because he moved into the same building with this girl that my friends lived in. They told me about it. I was broken apart. I do not remember a time in my life when I was so depressed. I filed for a divorce and tried to move on with my life. But this girl thrived on the drama, she would make sure that I knew how happy they were, she woudl email me and tell me how much he loved her, even email me pictures of them together. I ended up cutting him off blocking her from my email and everything. I still had to allow my husband to contact me because we do have a child together. We mainly talked through text because when we did talk on the phone we would just end upi screaming at each other.
Well about two and a half months after he left, he started calling me and asking me if we would be able to work things out. Right away I was sceptical of this and told him no way, but he was very apoligetic and nicer then he ever was even when we started things in the first place. I told him that if he got rid of her and went to counceling I would think about trying to get back on track. So he did dump the girl, moved back to town and we went to a counsler. We have been back together for over 1 1/2. We are happy now, he is still remorseful about what he did, feels stupid and knows that he is a rat. I love my husband, but here is my issue I can not let this go. Not in like a crazy way but it is still there in the back of my mind. Even though he tells me that he would never do this again. and this stupid B#### still emails him or talks to mutual friends about if we are still together. What am I doing wrong. He has not talked to her since he left. Why does it seem like I will never move past this? I have never thrown it back in his face because I forgive him for what he has done, I just need to forget it happened. Thanks for anything that you have that might help
I guess your hubby found out fantasy isn't all it's cracked up to be. He didn't leave you and your child because he didn't want to be married anymore, he left to be with another woman. Yes? Isn't that where he went? Just look at the facts.
You can't get past it because he still isn't being honest, and he may never be. He and this woman had this fantasy that life together would be better than it was the first time they were a couple. Well it just didn't turn out to be so great so he comes crawling back home begging for his old life back. Sure he's sorry, sure he's remorseful, but is he done with it? He needs to be able to prove his dedication to you daily until your sure he's done. I do wonder why after 18 months this is starting to affect you so much, is he showing signs of being unfaithful? Is he not trying so hard anymore to prove his commitment? Maybe you two just never resolved it in the first place, swept it under the rug, got on with life.
I know a marriage is worth fighting for, and there are people on this site much more forgiving than I so listen to their advise if you want to save it. But he can't say opps, sorry, it didn't work out with the other woman and I want to come home, he needs to earn that right back, and you get to set the rules.
libby,
Unfortunately, you will never forget it. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he cheated emotionally and then abandoned to be with someone else. So he's a cheater. So no matter what he says or does, you will always wonder if hes being honest. So even if he told the truth and remained faithful (very unlikely), you will still worry and have a gut wrenching anxiety. Its because being betrayed by your husband is traumatizing. And you cant forget a trauma. So you have to weigh the pros and cons. Is having him back worth all the worry and continuing drama? I can tell you from experience, its not. Getting over someone is something time can heal. But no matter how much time goes by, the betraying abandonment will linger there in your gut.
Sorry
If he has proven himself during this time. If you have NO reason to believe he's dishonest during this time. If he is an open book. Then you will have to forgive him. You will always remember his betrayal. If he has met the conditions above then there will need to be a point where you have to move forward or your marriage will suffer.
He can't pay for this the rest of his life. Eventually, you will need to come to terms.
I have a friend that cheat for 6 months. Came to her senses. After 4 years of being monitored and not trusted...she told her H.."either you trust me or you don't but this has to stop." She was ready to walk as she paid her dues and was well behaved. Eventually you have to let go and trust.
Thanks for all the advice, its not that it is only now starting to get to me it has always been there. I am just now at the point where I am able to open my eyes and see just how much it has been getting to me. I do not monitor him check his emails or dig through his phone. Its just harder then I thought to let this go. Its harder to forget the emotional pain that you go through. I realize that it will take time to deal with this. Cooper you made a great point that I guess I tried to pretend was not true, yes he did leave me for another woman. I relize this now and I know that he has not been honest about everything that happened. I just am not sure when enough is enough. Thanks again
Can you clafify some things, you mentioned above that you filed for divorce - did that ever become finalized? I am guessing not because you are still referring to him as your husband.
Are you still in counseling? couples? individual? Would be curious to know if the skills you learned during your sessions are still being applied.
It appears that your husband made a mistake, moved out & realized it was wrong. It appears that he tooks steps to make it right - by leaving the other woman, going to counseling, etc & trying make amends. I am not condoning what he did what-so-ever & I am sure you were crushed to find out where he went & with who.
It comes down to a matter of trust- do you trust your husband? No one is asking you to forget what happened but you need to ask yourself if you can forgive & move forward.
If you would like to still work on your marriage & your husband is willing as well. I would speak to him and explain that you still have feelings of doubt. Maybe you can think of things that he could do to reassure you that he only has eyes for you. If you are uncomfortable with him receiving emails from the other woman, tell him, if he loved you, he would respect that & want you to feel as comfortable as possible.
I would hate for you to get hurt again, I know how it feels & it's not fun. However, if you feel that your husband is making a sincere effort, then I think it is worth giving a 2nd chance. When something like this happens once it can be called a mistake, if it happens a 2nd time then there is no mistake about it & you can loose him right then.
good luck
I took him back 
