I believe it has to be done this way in order for the "healing" to occur - on both sides. He may not like it and view it as a control or power mechanism on your part. But he must start realizing what separation/divorce really feels like. And you're not doing it as a form of punishment or revenge. You're doing it to heal emotionally and to detach yourself from the outcome. If he decides he wants to come back, YOU can decide if that's what you want in your life. If he decides to divorce, YOU will be in a better state to move forward. Or, YOU might decide to proceed with the divorce.
Yes he needs to work through his anger.. So do you.. You need to heal and move past. Nothing good can come about when anger and frustration are present.
Hi guys! thanks to you all. I am checking in...been catching up on some reading on the threads and kinda lurking i guess! lol
wanted to share my weekend with you guys to get some input,again unbelieviably upsetting...
h started his 2 week long class this past fri...i have been doing a good, not perfect but good job with the nc. seemed like it was bothering him because he would eventually call...
stopped fri to see the girls b4 going to class...ok...ends the very short conversation with him saying he was thinking of coming home...OMG! that is THE one thing i havent heard come out of his mouth!I simply replied that it was something we could discuss when we had more time.h says ok that he was going to stop on his way back out to parents...
never showed up, nor did i hear from him...not until sun after dinner time...now i know he had class sat and sun, 8-4 but wtf?
explained how tired he was...blah blah blah ok whatever, not worth an argument but where is the respect? only takes a minute to call right?didnt say anything let it go...
h comes over to help 8 y/o monday b4 class with school project.
this time ends conversation saying he doesnt want to be married anymore, wants to file after the first of the year...
now, how can this be?? there is no one else...i have snooped, pried, spied...cant find anything. i almost wish i could because then it may make sense...
can someone be that undecided? is it to get a reaction out of me?
or...
does this just kick back to the mlc and depression part of it all? this man in my opinion TRULY doesnt know what he wants...
2morrow will be 4 months he has been out of the house...i see no improvement in him at all...
he is still unhappy, always complaining of work, driving such far distances because of where his parents live compared to here and work, he seems to always be sick in one way or another and always angry at everyone and everything...
just dont get it! i have made soooo many changes in sooo many different ways. so how can he blame me??? its him isnt it???
some of your thoughts would be appreciated!!! thanks!
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loving mother and devoted wife, I will endure this pain with the faith, hope and love i have for my family!
My dear girlfriend said "quit looking for him for answers when he doesn't know them himself. You are looking for logic in a person who isn't logical." I found it dead on.
My H isn't cheating. Never has. He isn't any happier then when he left. He been gone for 5 months. Our D date is Jan. 6th. He want to be friendly and friends.
He can't talk about why or how of the relationship. He's a deer in the headlights when I ask him questions about "us." Very little or no response. He's clueless of he's downright afraid to tell.
My H is also angry. Not at me. He's has outbursts with people on phone (service person) when he doesn't get the service he needs. Same outbursts when he gets cut off in traffic. He's been like this for 1.5 years. Not like how he was before.
Before we separated and often when he was drinking (new habit over 1.5 years) in the evening he would give "hints" of his unhappiness. It always ended up with with these negative thoughts on our arguments, or fun that we didnt' have, or wine/steak that he wanted to eat with me (yes), or the argument that we had before our wedding day (25 years ago). It was incredible the memory that my H has even though he can barely remember the birth of our children.
It's like he came up with this "world" that he manipulated to justify his feelings and behaviors. A world, in which I lived with him in it, but didn't quite pick up the same story.
It's him LOST. It's not us. We have flaws. We don't run. They don't know what else to do or the reason they do it.
I know I will be divorced before he comes around. Poor man.
I am having such bad times! our pastor told me yesterday...i spoke to him on my own again...out of desperation that if d is something that i dont want not to acknowledge he even talks about it
how can i do that?
i didnt sign up to be a single mom, to have our children not have him around...this in and out sucks but if i stop that, even though i would like to the girls would suffer more.
i dont know if i am more hurt or angry that he would even want it... his reasons are he is trapped and smothered.
pastor has spoken to me endlessly abour mlc and depression and sadly all along he fits them to a t. so much that it is frightening! maybe your h is somewhere in that world too...mine says EVERYTHING is for the kids...i wish he would wake up. i cant stop them from getting not so good vibes...i try to encourage them in ways that they wont. they are short with him and very clingy with me...i guess its because im the one here with them all the time and doing and taking care of their needs...so sad. breaks my heart...any suggestions?
the nc is a tiny bit easier as it keeps mr from being so upset all of the time. i still cry every night no matter how hard i try not to!
heres another weird thing he did yesterday... he cuts it very close in time from going from work to class, not by choice, because of the times he works...h comes out of his way to bring me some tools that i have been asking for for 2 1/2 months
ps my h is a service and installation tech...he foghts with the contractors and homeowners...go figure~
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loving mother and devoted wife, I will endure this pain with the faith, hope and love i have for my family!
I guess what your pastor means by not acknowledge his divorce talk is to not feed into those thoughts. However, I would warn you to prepare youself anyway. You still need to have a plan of how you could be a single mom (financial/child care/visitation/housing). Because of their craziness, you can't depend upon them to be logical.
It's sort of a plan for the worse and hope for the best. Plan A or Plan B. Plan for both is my sentiment.
yesterday after leaving hospital 1st time, dad was taken to icu, bleeding ulcer...
called h. he took care of girls...took them to sil, went to class , brought girls home, gotr them in bed...
said he was staying in case i got another call from hospital.
then decides he is not staying... i was ticked but whatever, i just want to go to bed...didnt argue
follows me out to kitchen and proceeds to tell me why...no real reason. he says he is finally sticking up fpr himself...he moved out 4 months ago...only see him getting worse with depression mlc...
AGAIN tells me he is filing after the first of the year...why???
he feels suffocated and trapped...
states he is getting nothing but crap from everyone...family i guess. he has isolated them all, all of his friends...they dont agree with what he is doing...
this is not my fault either...
i suspect that the few friends he does things with every once in a while support his decisions...
i cant stop any of this, i am down and i hate the word divorce, let alone what it does to a family.
dont know what to do i cant seem to get any of ot out of my mind...especially worrying about my dad
the grass may look greener i guess...however it takes a whole lot of work to keep it that way...h doesnt have any time for anything...how to keep up???
sorry i am all over the place, literally...'
all i hear id dad, divorce dad divorce...
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loving mother and devoted wife, I will endure this pain with the faith, hope and love i have for my family!
I am so sorry for you lost -
protect yourself and plan as CW says
she knows the good stuff.
he isn't able to be there for you at the moment
who knows why - as CW it doesn't follow a logic
you are dealing with lots at the moment - surround yourself with those who can honestly support you -
leave him out as much as you can
you don't need any more disapointment or hurt
as hard as it is try to start training yourself to not consider things from his persepctive -
that pulls in the opposite direction of where you need to go - let him suffer, be happy, be crazy, be guilty, all of the above - who cares - it's his cr** and until he can put that stuff aside and be a partner to you it is a waster of energy thinking about it....
this is just advice I got from lots of folk - it is not easy to follow but eventually it helped me when I did -
The only way he can move past where he is to have others leave him alone. It is only pushing him further. They might thinking they are helping but in his current state it's only making him mad which is keeping this from moving on.. Hopefully he gets peace before he goes to far..
All the work im so desperately doing with nc...especially at at time like this with my dad, they need to be hs friends and family and just listen and NOT JUDGE...
maybe if they would allow him to get this all out, it would help!
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loving mother and devoted wife, I will endure this pain with the faith, hope and love i have for my family!
Let your H sort out his issues. It's too tiring to wonder all the time...what he's gonna do.
Plan and protect.
My H is EXACTLY like your H. He felt suffocated. HOw does that happen when you have no contact? Is he joking? That's a crock! My H isolated and still does for the most part. He's a lonely man. Won't accept advice or help pre-separation and is certainly not going to now.
I HATE divorce. GOD HATES divorce. I pray for things to change but sometimes you have to release them and let them lie for awhile.
Re: threatening divorce? what next?
