so friends, I guess this ride is taking yet another turn.
we are not moving as the landlord came through, thank god...one thing in this mess will stay the same for our children.
Thanksgiving was good. enjoyed by everyone.
h was in woods all day again yesterday, preparing for hunting. our 5 y/o gets her first loose tooth. WANTS nothing more than to show/tell dad.we call and leave a message.
hours...dinnertime he finally calls back.what an ass! she is 5 the excitement is gone...h takes it out on me. wtf???
now i am upset, i didnt do or say anything.
he cant take this anymore, hes done, he cant live like this. he is filing for divorce the first of the year...
what next???
more eggshells and kissing his butt as not to upset him? what about me?? i have endured everything myself for the last 4 months. his visits mean nothing to me anymore. he is soooo tired of trying to make us happy. it would be such an easy thing if he were to LISTEN and HEAR anything that was being said...
he has been told by dr...mlc, depression low testosterone. complete denial to this day.
i know it is all about him...i have been living it!
daz8ed and cw, i am so angry now the detachment should be easier, and Im not going to wait until after the holidays! I need my sanity.
I love him, our family and what we used to have in life b4 all of this craziness! if that is what he wants...i cant stop him...
I do wonder if it is his way of getting me to shut up and back off...either way that is what he will get now. peace and quiet.
its me and our girls...
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loving mother and devoted wife, I will endure this pain with the faith, hope and love i have for my family!
This is difficult advice Lost. I've lived this routine with my H but I'm a little further ahead of you in this "game."
If I had to go back and do things over again...this is what I'd do.
Find an attorney. Get recommendation from family and friends. If you know a real estate attorney or any other type of attorney call them. Ask for recommendations. They know who is good and will return calls and be professional. You don't have to let you H know at this point that you have been investigating. I interviewed 3 attorneys before I found my match. The last was highly recommended by other attorneys.
Then, I would sit my H down without my kids present. I would say in various words/ways.."I love you. I want this marriage. You don't. I deserve better. I feel that you need help. If this is a marriage that you can't be in....then I won't stop you from divorcing."
Finally, I would set my boundaries. What you want to feel comfortable. You can set up a visitation schedule together. He must call before he drops by. You only speak about the kids/mutual business. Discuss about financial obligations. No big purchases on either side.
Write your boundaries on paper before you discuss them.
No dinners/no overnighters etc. He gets to be a single dad. I know you are afraid of this hurting the kids. They won't like it one bit. They don't like it now. This is a reality of divorce. He needs to FEEL what a divorce is like.
It's my hope that he wakes up with the REALITY of divorce.
You've catered to him Lost. You've kept your mouth shut. You have waited patiently. You haven't gotten you needs met.
He needs to FEEL it.
I did many of these things but much later on. Do this now and get it settled earlier.
I agree with CW, this has been going for way too long. I read back on your threads, very confusing, he is there one minute, then not, he is happy, then not.
I did not read the reason of the separation, why does he want it.
Is he clinically depressed? and is he getting help for it.
He sounds like he wants a wife that just shuts up, and is a piece of furniture, with no opinion.
I have no idea how you have put up with this rollercoaster of a ride for so long. I will applaud you there, you must be the most patient person I have ever read about.
You need to stop this. Like you say why in the new year, why not now. He is just threatening you, because he knows you will back off and shut up, and then you guys will have a happy festive period etc,but for how long, until next time.
Unless he gets a shock and wakes up to reality on what separation will be like, this will keep happening.
Dont be too harsh, By what I read he is a good dad, so joint custody, he gets to spend time with kids reasonable amount of time. No more just popping in etc.He needs to let you know he is coming.
And no more sharing every detail of things with him. If you feel yourself going for the phone, go clean. Let him know what he has to know. If kids want to talk to him, put them on the phone.
This will not be easy, because it has been going on for so long.
But either way, he will get a wake up call, and want you back, and be willing to change, or he will leave for sure, but at least then you will know, and you can at least start a new life.
Reading back on your months, I was confused at times, I was reading the threads, happy holidays, then bad, then house hunting, then at your house, then at his moms.
I will try read your first post as well, just trying to find it, because the ups and downs of your life with him are mind boggling. So just want to try understand a bit more.
Good luck, who knows what will happen, I am sure you think aggghhhh no not again.
You can put a stop to things. Do something.
If you can not shut all doors at once to him, do it gradually, this week say he needs to call B4 visiting, next week, something small again, until gradually, he thinks, hold on this is not nice.
Take care
My posts ARE up and down...just like him. no more!
i will admit i bought a copy of Divorce Remedy today...im gonna read it.
Although I dont want this, I cant stop it.
his reason for leaving was that he is unhappy, needs to find himself...all the bs.
the only thing i know is that he is depressed, has low testosterone and has been told he is having a mlc. yes by dr.
I have to take a stand, for my sanity and for our girls.
CW you are ahead of me, although i do not envy you for that, I truly appreciate your advice!
I will continue to read, post and think...its going to take me a few to figure out exactly how I want to do all of this, it going to be hard.
I am thinking to start with some more counseling for myself...to keep nc as easily as i can, and maybe for the girls...ill need to speak with someone about how that would work...
I really am at a loss on all of this, if it were his heart, I wouldnt walk away...he is being an ass though and not fair in any way shape or form...its so sad.
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loving mother and devoted wife, I will endure this pain with the faith, hope and love i have for my family!
NO matter what his reason or THE reason...he is focusing his marriage as the problem. My H is exactly like this. Divorce will be the "miracle" he's been searching.
My H is living a lonely life. It's superficial with people that don't know anything about his world. He has a few close friends. Only one in which he confides. In my mind, his life has changed for the worse. He doesn't have to worry about me anymore but everything else is the same or worse. He still "eyes" the divorce though.
Not one person understands why. Only my H knows. Then again...does he really know? I'm not at all positive about that one!
They have to find their way LOST. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Letting someone I love go.
I agree, you need to let him go, very hard to do. But for your sanity. You can not keep living in his messed up mind, it will mess you up. Let him go, which does not mean you will stop caring.
What is that saying, "if you love something set if free........"
Dont think of it as 'us' needs to be you and the kids, focus on that, and that is all.
When you have a moment of weakness, think 'is this good for us and the kids', for once follow your head, not your heart.
Good luck
im gonna detach myself and see where that takes it all.
he called late yesterday and I didnt answer, the next thing I know he was at the door! he wanted to spend some time...
well the kids gave hugs and kisses and went about their way...me...i went to the grocery store, came back got a bath, took my book and went out to the sunroom to read...
3hrs later after sitting by himself for the most part in front of the tv...he got ready and left. so sad!
baby steps for me but it was a good start!
i will admit i bought a copy of divorce remedy...it will give me something to do, without h knowing...
I hate this...i know he is so foggy right now and that makes it all the worse...
im gonna detach and take away his privledges a little at a time...
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loving mother and devoted wife, I will endure this pain with the faith, hope and love i have for my family!
thanks c, I have been doing a lot of reading there...
heres a ? for all of you...
with this nc stuff, do i also let him have the responsibility to himself as far as the girls go?
i dont want to have to remind him...i know he doesnt forget...i am kinda scared that by keeping my distance so to speak is like telling him its ok...go do whatever ya want...
sorry if this seems so common, its only day 5 for me. should have started a loong tome ago
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loving mother and devoted wife, I will endure this pain with the faith, hope and love i have for my family!
It's up to him to realize the kids want/need to see him and it's up to him to make the necessary arrangements to make that happen. If he calls and says "hey, I want to come over and spend some time with the girls", then you can decide if it's okay if he does that in your home or if you'd prefer he takes them elsewhere. That way, you're not denying him the need to see the girls. If he wants to spend time with them in your home, maybe you can use that to spend some time alone - local library, bookstore, coffee shop, shopping, etc.
threatening divorce? what next? 
