jeepmanw518

Okay. I have been married 2 plus years. I am in the Army Reserves and was deployed several years ago long before i met my wife. last october my wife lost her job at the school she taught at and continued to work at her part time job periodiacally. Every year I go away for several weeks and while i was gone for three weeks in august my wife left. she has an apartment near her mothers house but doesn't want me to know where. its a good two hours away from our house.
we had an arguement prior to our anniversary in which she expressed her desire to have a trial seperation. i was the typical husband and i couldn't beleive any of what was happening to me. she asked about counseling and i said i didn't want to see a stranger about our problems. we discussed children and the fact she may not be able to have any and like an idiot i told her i wanted my own children and adoption was out of the question. i thought we had come to an agreement and went out for our anniversary twice because the movie we went to see sold out that was in july. in august i went away for three weeks. we talked every night on the phone the second week she went to a confrence for her coaching job its part time also. when she returned she aparently called the movers and by the time i came back she had taken everything. i got a text message from her the night i was to arrive home. my father and a freind showed up and talked to me so i wouldn't flip out.
i arranged to meet my wife that sunday (two days later) things didn't go so bad i was very emotional begging and pleading. she agreed to see me again. i met her at a mall and had her help me pick out weddign gifts for some friends of ours. i went to the wedding by myself. we made a date and went bowling we had fun and then she went out of town for work again. several weeks went by and i convinced her to go to counseling. she went and the therapist told us to make a date. after the session we spent several hours together. we planned a date and went on a haunted hay ride. i think it went okay we laughed alot and she commented on my hair and it was nice to see me shaven.
i had been calling her like everyday i know it was a bad move. we sceduled some more sessions which she claimned to be sick. the flu was going around and she couldn't talk on the phone she had no voice. so the fourth session was coming up and i reminded her about it but she told me she wasn't going to make it and wrote me an email. in it she dropped the bomb. i was shocked as i thought things were going better. so i left her be for a whole week and asked her to go to the next session. i cleaned the whole house and took her all the possesions of hers i could find. she showed up for the session and the therapist asked me to step out for a few min. i came back and my wife had told her that the relationship is over but she wanted us to be freinds. i was upset and she left and waited for me in her car for 30 mins. or so. I went out to our cars and we talked and decided to go to a local coffee shop. she loaded all the stuff in car and we left.
we talked for a few hours again and we laughed she even started the ribbing. a woman i do business with suggested to me i should take my wedding ring off before the next time i met my wife. she had taken hers off in september. while i was eating i saw her look at my hand and then back to me and then back to my hand. she looked very hurt from the realization of what i had done.
we hugged and she said she would look in her appartment for more of my stuff she took when she moved out i made 14 boxes of her stuff she left behind and i got a shoe box. she wrote me another letter confessing to me her sins against me. she didn't repsect me and all the decisons i made about our future. i work a full time job and have a business on the side. she claimed she flirted with men to help boost her ego she claims nothing ever happened. she was sorry for not keeping the house in order.
so i have read several books she moved out "the divorce remedy" among others i have decided to leave her alone and not call or anything.
over the holiday my family text her. my brother sent her a message telling her he was sorry they had not talked lately and if there was anything he could do to help he would be there for her. my father wished her a happy thanksgiving and hoped things were different.
so here is my current dilema. yesterday after work she text me "555-5555 is mom or dad? my old phone wont turn on" i waited and knowing it was brother called him and asked why my wife would be asking me about his phone number.
once i realized what he had done i simply replied "neither its my brothers #. i get "ohhh ok. i don't have anyones in my book thanks." so then she text me "5555 is moms right?"
i replied again nope thats dads number. i waited several mins and text her "moms # is 5555" and to that she replied "thanks jeepmanw518 bunches!)" to that i have replied nothing.
my original plan was to not call her until the 18th of november and offer to meet her for coffee at a borders in the mall. i had planned on meeting her for 20 minutes and then tell her i have shopping to finish before christmas and leave her wanting more.

thanks for reading i know this is a really long post.

jeepmanw518

the phone thing bugs me because she knew it was someone from my family and she could have called them instead of asking me who it was that contacted her.. maybe i shouldn't have responded

Bel

Hi,

I tried the no contact thing to - lasted about 5 days in the end. Not because I broke but my other half did.. He wants to be 'friends' etc. I want him to miss me not just want to be friends. He rang me twice on the weekend.. I didn't take the calls but did txt him saying I was busy. He replied with I just wanted to know how much to cut back the trees.... Well to me that's something that could have been done in txt anyway so why call??
I think in his own way (and maybe your wife's) he was just 'checking up' seeing if I'd answer etc. I REALLY didn't want to answer but it felt rude not to LOL I shouldn't care about being rude to him really.
He rang me again last night and wants to catch up - Undecided if I should go.

What's the reasoning behind you wanting to have a no contact seperation?
If it's something you have read in books and think it's going to fix everything (like I felt) then I'm not sure it really works. Follow you heart and listen to your head, I think most of us know what's the best decision to make in the end....

Ash22

I'm a firm believer in no contact for a few reasons. First of all it allows you to give yourself time and space to really pinpoint what went wrong in the marriage, then it gives you time to figure out what YOU did wrong and YOU can then fix YOU. Remember you can't change her, you can only change you.

Also by not contacting the other it lets them get a wake up call. If she is maybe trying to prove her independence to you, or to stir something up, if you show her that whatever she does just rolls off your back in a sense, it kinda shows her that you aren't down to play games. ( The whole number thing...I don't know really what she was trying to do there, expect either get some attention or start some drama).

And lastly by no contact you can actually think about whether or not this person is even worth it. For example if you find out a week from now that you is going out every night talking to him doing this etc etc...is that really someone you want in your life?

If you can't have peace in your own house...where will you?

Ana_Nurse

I have contacted my husband, who let me about 2 months ago every day since he left...that makes me a psycho, I KNOW! haha
I know its hard and it sucks...
I hope you can be stronger than me!'
Good luck!

jeepmanw518

I have been working on me since she left. I have been going to counseling privately and anger management through the Army. I have been doing the Army thing for 11 years and I know I have picked up some bad habits.

she thought i would be so mad when she took all her stuff( i was) but she left the couch and the tv's but took the bed. i have spent a year in the desert with 40 guys in a 100'x50' tent
with much less(power, running water, beer). it so reminds me of college and crappy looking furniture. lol. it really does suck though

i bought a WII last week because she took ours and have been losing weight from stress. I thought that I would like to use it again since i have been throwing myself into my work. i need a break from life and it was that or get a puppy. she took her dog also and i never thought i would miss the dog either.

she moved without having a job. I have been paying for our car and health insurance as well as the mortgage and all other utilites. she got a job at an insurance agency and lasted three weeks before they let her go. i'm not sure why she hasn't tried to find a teaching job except alot of schools are cutting music.

i gathered from her facebook page she started a new job today after a month of looking for another job. its a temp job. the aprtment she rented is a month to month lease. all things that point too when she moved out she wasn't sure if she wanted this to be permanant.

she gave me the "I love you but not the way I should" speech after she moved out. the therapist told me don't believe everything you hear and less than 50% of what you see. which i also read in the divorce remedy book.

so i'm not giving up on her. thank you for responding it has been very hard to not talk to her.

Corpuswife

It's so difficult to do the no contact thing. It's more difficult than divorce or chasing her. At least you are doing something when you do those things!

Keep the NC. You may need to give it months. It's great that you are working on your issues.

The overanalyzing is what everyone does at one point or another. I did it as well. Not so much now.

Your therapist is correct. Their words and actions don't always match.

jeepmanw518

I have been talking to my best friend and his fiance about this whole thing trying to get a womans perspective. she told me if her ex husband had tried half as hard as i am she may have taken him back.

Ash22

Hopefully she didn't say that in front of her fiance! lol. You are in a tricky situation. But see I tried like hell to get my husband back but he never met me halfway not even a little bit and he did some rotten things to me. So now Ive let it go, the ball is in his court and its a relief in a way. You can only do so much remember that. And yes while she might be wanting you to fight for her (because most woman want a knight in shining armor) she has to do some work as well.

And BTW, if that woman's ex-husband had tried to win her back...she wouldn't be with your best friend now would she? And who's to say that her first husband wasn't in a sense preparing her for this more fulfulling relationship

I don't know. I'm just spectulating.

jeepmanw518

I'm not going to say I was the perfect husband but I worked very hard to afford to live while she worked part time. i was not always home and she would make dinner for me and then when i got home and let the dog out i would go to the shop to work on stuff for the business. so she was lonely. big mistake on my part.

she had surgery in april for endometrious for the second time but this time she was on bed rest. I'm sure that i was not a great husband being that i could have been more supportive.
when she felt better she went and played in the civic band over the summer which meant trips to her mothers on wednesday's and came back on thursdays. i thought that was great seeing how last summer she had carpal tunnel surgery done to both of her wrist and couldn't play at all.

she also started a diet plan around that time. she lost 50 pounds over the next 6 months and looks great. she is now a health coach for that program.

she wrote on her facebook that she was thankful for her friends and family but "she was glad she could move out and move on and be safe" which i don't get i never abused her pyhsically but maybe thats what she has been telling people to get them to help her out?

I really love her still and hope that she will realize the grass isn't greener and that running away from her problems will not solve anything.

she was planning on going back to school next year to be a guidance counselour because so many schools have cut music programs.

Thanks everyone for the support

jeepmanw518

she has overdrawn our joint bank account more than once since she left. i noticed she has been getting netflix with that account. she hasn't used the account for anythng else since she dropped the "D" on me. should i close that account?

i asked her to release me from our cell phone account so i could get my own plan but when i tried to do that she had a portion of the bill in collections so i payed the over due amount and the current bill.

i will go this weekend and see if its feesible to stay on the account and pay it or get my own and let her deal with loosing the phone.

jeepmanw518

I have not been served with divorce papers and it has been almost a month since she told me she wanted one.

should i be concerned?

should i consider filing myself or will that upset her?

jeepmanw518

We are both 28 right now. we dated for a year lived together for a year after that and got married after a total of two years. I'm a reservist now so I have only been away for summer camps two to three weeks at a time.

Ash22

Hey if she said that she filed well then you wait for her, unless the fact that you are still married but separated is killing you.

I know for me I didnt want the divorce at all but I am the one who filed for it. I wasn't going to sit around while my H did god knows what.

BTW I was in the military for four years, I miss it trememdously. Before I was active I was a reservist too. Thanks for what you do and take advantage of everything that they have to offer.

jeepmanw518

Thank you for your service also.

As far as I know she has not filed yet. she just express her wishes that she wants a divorce.

If you were not the one that wanted the divorce and you are the one who filed did your spouse have any remorse or change of heart when they got served?

Thanks