I'm considering sending the following email to my exWW. We're getting along, xmas is coming, we spend time together, there are no other people in the picture, 4 kids yada yada. Same stuff I always tell myself. I don't hate her, she doesn't hate me. And I'm left with this feeling of confusion. It's over 2+ years out from our first separation. Yet, I still don't get it.
After all this time and talk, I still don't really understand why we're getting divorced. I get that it's going to happen, I've mostly accepted it, but what I don't get is ... why do you want to divorce me?
Only you can decide if this is a good idea. Do you discuss reconciling with her, or will this be a new conversation?
If it is a new conversation, is it one you are ready to have?
You say you are getting along, have you always gotten along during the separation, or have you evolved to this place? Would this conversation hurt the place you are now if it goes sideways?
(I know with my ExH, when we have gotten along, I get my hopes up and then start thinking of the good times in the past. I don't think about the bad times until something reminds me, or he inevitably does something hurtful and then I have to work myself back up to feeling halfway okay all over again. but that is my situation).
From this note I would read that you do not want to divorce and she does. Is that correct?
I have read through your story a bit and you've mentioned how your previous attempt at reconciling almost destroyed you. Are you willing to put aside your needs and feelings?
I know that the holidays are very hard for me. Thanksgiving last week was very painful. I try to not think of Christmas...
Would the holidays be influencing you?
I don't have advice whether this is right or wrong, but it might be a good time to ask yourself some of these questions.
We have talks periodically, and she's said, in not some many words, that she doesn't want to be married to me. So I get that and I'm not trying to lobby for myself. I've done that too. Hell, I've done every wrong thing a man can do.
I don't want to be divorced, but I also don't want to be in a marriage where I get lied to and don't get my physical needs met. She's made it clear she isn't attracted to me. Yet she's also said we things click we are perfect together. She often twitters about how lonely and sad she is, especially on days she doesn't have the kids.
I'd love it she somehow became a model repentant wife. I don't hope for it or expect it. I just don't get why loneliness/sadness is a better option than the work it would take to rebuild. Single parenting sucks. Nights without the kids suck too.
You say that she's said she isn't attracted to you (ouch) and that she lied to you and didn't meet your needs in the marriage, yet she 'twitters' about being lonely and sad when she is alone?
Pardon my forwardness, but it sounds like she was (at least acting) lonely and sad IN the marriage too?
If she is an unhappy person, no one can change that. It sounds like you've tried, and tried, and tried...
You know what you DON'T want in a marriage, have you thought about what you DO want? If so, is she capable and willing to give that to you?
I don't have the answers as to why, but I have the impression that it's more to do with HER than YOU?
If she answers you, will it help you in your healing? If not, I wouldn't bother. Why? I fear you may not get the answer you want or get mixed signals which will continue your confusion.
I can't answer your question is this a bad idea? only because it is your decision. What I can tell you is that before you do anything you should decided why you are writing it.
A few weeks ago or so, I had been debating about writing my H a letter, detailing my angry, how I felt, what I wanted, etc. And a lot of people on here posted that I should go for it, that I should write him the letter. However I think it was CW who said she was all for me writing the letter but for the right reasons.
I thought about that for a few days...and my reason for writing the letter? Yes part of it would be to get some anger off my chest, but the majority of the reason? About 90% of the reason? Would be another effort to wake him up and get us back together. I would have been hoping that that letter would bring us back.
But you and I can't wake them up SS. Thats on them! No matter what we do if they aren't ready, or don't want it...guess what they aren't ready.
So if your doing this because you want answers, closure, by all means do it. But if you are doing this to "wake her up", the answer or the confusion as wren stated might even leave you in a worse state.
I don't think it will bring you anything but more pain. She's not likely to be completely honest with you anyway and will fall back on the old standbys...."I'm just not happy, I just don't want to be married, I don't love you the way a wife should".
Convince yourself you are not the victim. Keep telling yourself that you are strong and will come out of all of this better than ever. Living well and finding your own happiness is your ultimate goal in this.
Is this a bad idea?
