Suddenly indifferent to me
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Old 07-13-2013, 05:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Suddenly indifferent to me

I'll try to keep this short. I've been married for 15 years. We have three kids, aged 14, 10 and 6. One month ago, seemingly out of nowhere my wife told me she wants to leave me. She says we've grown apart and that she is dissatisfied with me. She says that I've been passive, that i have not taken an active part in family life or couple life. She also says that she has no more energy or desire to work things out. She does not want to go to a couples' therapist. I think the best way of saying this is that she is indifferent to me.

That was one month ago. She is still here. We still sleep in the same bed. No lovemaking, not even any touching. I'm lost but I feel that as a result of this crisis I've had a personal breaktrhough. My relationship with allmy children is much better. I'm also I think nicer to my wife,more attentive and caring. The problem is she does not seem to care, one way or another. I don't think she notices. When we do talk about "us", she repeats that this is not what she wants (i.e. our marriage, more specifically, me). I'm trying to focus, trying to be loving and attentive to her, trying to rebuild a couple's life.

The other side of this is that I don't think I was that bad, I was far from great, but work and money issues got on top of me. I'm angry and upset that she did not tell me she was so unhappy "for years" (it turns out she told a ton of other people!), and now when she has finally told me its not to do anything except to let go.

My first focus now is to try to get her to remember me. REmember who we were. My second is to make sure she does not kick me out of my home with my kids, who mean the world to me.

I realise this is just venting. I should be clear that I still love my wife. I'm shocked and confused. I wonder why she does not take the step and leave me. Maybe she wants me to move out? Or she may be saving money to move out? I've been by far the main breadwinner, which has never bothered me. We've had money now for the past year when I got a new job. We cleared our debts and immediately set up a joint checking account which she could always access. She worked part-time. I did not care about the money, but she forgets I think that if I worked hard and got lost in things it was not for me, but for her. We lived about 13 of our years married with great financial struggle. I thought I had a way out of that now, and to be able to take care of my wife and kids properly, but it seems something got lost along the way. How do I get things back again??
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Old 07-13-2013, 07:47 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suddenly indifferent to me

Sorry this is happening to you. I know you wont like what I'm about to ask but do you think there is someone else? The reason I ask is because last April that same thing happened in my own marriage - only my stbxh didn't tell me he wasn't happy - when I would ask he would say everything was fine. Turns out he did have someone all along & he left me this past January - 8 months later.

I know it hurts and its not something you want to consider but from what you have said - it certainly seems she has moved on already - start checking around for signs she is seeing someone else.
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Old 07-13-2013, 07:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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DO NOT move out under any cirucumstances!!!!! If she wants out let her move not you!! And if shes like my stbxh shes biding her time until shes ready to make a final break.
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Old 07-13-2013, 09:26 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suddenly indifferent to me

My story is eerily similar to the OP,so I understand what you are feeling and it is hard. I couldn't find any evidence of another man in my situation,although yours may be a different story. I can't give you any great advice like most of the seasoned pros around here can,all I can tell you is what I have done,and that was a lot of soul searching and figuring out what I needed to do to make myself a better person.
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Old 07-13-2013, 09:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suddenly indifferent to me

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My story is eerily similar to the OP,so I understand what you are feeling and it is hard. I couldn't find any evidence of another man in my situation,although yours may be a different story. I can't give you any great advice like most of the seasoned pros around here can,all I can tell you is what I have done,and that was a lot of soul searching and figuring out what I needed to do to make myself a better person.
Its the best thing you can do - sometimes you never get the answers from them so all you can do is take care of yourself & work on making you a better person.
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Old 07-13-2013, 10:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Sorry this is happening to you. I know you wont like what I'm about to ask but do you think there is someone else? The reason I ask is because last April that same thing happened in my own marriage - only my stbxh didn't tell me he wasn't happy - when I would ask he would say everything was fine. Turns out he did have someone all along & he left me this past January - 8 months later.

I know it hurts and its not something you want to consider but from what you have said - it certainly seems she has moved on already - start checking around for signs she is seeing someone else.
Well I've wondered that. I did sort of ask her, but was too scared of the answer so it was not a full-fledged question. All in all I don't think so, maybe I'm wrong or blind. I still think she's fundamentally a good and moral person. Just something has happened somewhere. She's gone through a lot of personal difficulties (cancer, both parents passing on), all in the first five years of our marriage, and coupled with being really damned poor and with two kids (at the time) she had a lot of issues that she has never dealt with. What's sad now is that I think she is taking it all out on me. I'm very far from perfect, some of the things she said about me, I totally accepted and said I would like to change (and I think I have already in this short space of a month). But, as I've said, she doesn't seem to give a damn whether I change or not!
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Old 07-13-2013, 12:21 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Well I've wondered that. I did sort of ask her, but was too scared of the answer so it was not a full-fledged question. All in all I don't think so, maybe I'm wrong or blind. I still think she's fundamentally a good and moral person. Just something has happened somewhere. She's gone through a lot of personal difficulties (cancer, both parents passing on), all in the first five years of our marriage, and coupled with being really damned poor and with two kids (at the time) she had a lot of issues that she has never dealt with. What's sad now is that I think she is taking it all out on me. I'm very far from perfect, some of the things she said about me, I totally accepted and said I would like to change (and I think I have already in this short space of a month). But, as I've said, she doesn't seem to give a damn whether I change or not!
I asked in April right to his face & was told no over & over. Mine was a habitual liar but he had always - throughout our entire marriage - expressed disgust at people who did exactly what he did to their families.

I think you are making excuses for her. The failure of a marriage is not all one persons fault. Both parties shoulder some of the blame. Every couple has their share of difficulties - its no excuse. Some couples use adversity to come closer together but for some couples it tears them apart.

I think you need to look more into om being involved and don't beg her whatever you do - it doesn't work. It usually makes things worse.
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Old 07-13-2013, 01:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suddenly indifferent to me

When people are cheating, they lie.

Do you have access to her email/text/IM/chat histories?

How about her cell phone bill?

Place a voice-activated recorder under her car seat and in other places where she expects privacy.

You'll know what you're dealing with in 48-72 hours.

Hopefully, it's just between the two of you.

If a third party is involved, it's a whole different ballgame
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Old 07-13-2013, 03:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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When people are cheating, they lie.

Do you have access to her email/text/IM/chat histories?

How about her cell phone bill?

Place a voice-activated recorder under her car seat and in other places where she expects privacy.

You'll know what you're dealing with in 48-72 hours.

Hopefully, it's just between the two of you.

If a third party is involved, it's a whole different ballgame
Yes, I agree with the above. When my spouse started acting that way with no explanation it was due to an emotional and physical affair. You may also want to try posting in the coping with infidelity section. Good luck.
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Old 07-13-2013, 04:35 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suddenly indifferent to me

Brighter,

She said she wants to leave you.

"Leaving you" in no way implies that she is entitled to kick you out of your home.

If she really wants it, it's all on her. Don't make it easy for her. She moves out on her own.

Some BS flags that I notice:

1. She still sleeps in the same bed. That means she's still attached to you. Maybe she doesn't feel loving towards you, but if she was detached she would sleep on the couch.

2. It's been a month, and she hasn't made a move or filed for D.

Those two flags make me think she's not sure about her decision.

I agree with the above posters that you have to rule out an affair, either emotional or physical. Snoop, but be smart about it.

If there is an affair, then that will determine how things proceed. There is no way a spouse of 15 years can compete with an affair. So if you find evidence, get back here and we will coach you on what to do.

If there isn't an affair, then I'm of the opinion that things will be salvageable. But realize trying to "nice" her back doesn't work. Women don't respect that.

Read Angstire's thread, who has a very similar situation.

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Old 07-13-2013, 04:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Agree with 3strikes, nice and begging don't work. Find Synth's 10 commandments, observe the 180 and know that she's rewriting history now to make it easy to leave you. That's what my and other stbxw's have done when say they haven't loved you for years. They say that to make it easy to not like you.

I'll post links with Syn's 10 and the 180.

Check on the affair too. Wasn't an issue in my case, but it seems to be in many on TAM.
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Old 07-13-2013, 04:44 PM   #12 (permalink)
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180: The Healing Heart: The 180

Syn's 10:
WAW is almost gone
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Old 07-13-2013, 08:51 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suddenly indifferent to me

OP, I am so sorry to see you are going through this. You will get tons of advice. Most is accurate but YOU NEED to be realistic when evaluating both of your roles that got you here.
I never realized my marriage was in trouble although my wife told me in many ways. Men are just hard headed in this stage of marriage. Life takes over & we tend to neglect our wives accidentally.
Yes you need to rule out emotional/physical affair
Are you two having honest, open communications; not fights? If not...try to get her to open up. Sit facing her and look at her when she speaks. Try not to rebutt, or interrupt her. Listen to her.
Communication can make great strides in finding out the REAL issues she has. If you listen you might be able to start the healing process before it gets worse. THIS WILL NOT FIX THINGS, but you will know what you are up against. You may be able to realize there are issues that YOU need to work on to improve yourself for you...and her.
Your goal is to save your marriage. Second is to keep relations peaceful for the kids. Please do not stay together for the kids though. Third, if the marriage ends, try to be friends at least. This will make life easier for you two and the children. I pray you can find out what the REAL issues are, overcome, & improve yourself during this time. This will give you & either your current wife or a future lady a better life.

I recommend reading MARRIED MAN'S SEXUAL PRIMER & possibly NO MORE MR. NICE GUY. These 2 books have helped myself and many others here on the board

Last edited by noas55; 07-13-2013 at 08:52 PM. Reason: more info
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Old 07-13-2013, 09:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I recommend reading MARRIED MAN'S SEXUAL PRIMER & possibly NO MORE MR. NICE GUY. These 2 books have helped myself and many others here on the board
Yes, read these.
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Old 07-16-2013, 04:21 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to write to me about this. I really appreciate your time and concern.

Big news, bad news. Yesterday night my wife told me she formed an emotional attachment with someone else abuot 14 months ago. I don't think anything happened. the problem is that it was another woman. So now she's questioning her sexuality and that seems to be at the root of her rejection of me..... God how depressing.
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