How do you tell mutual friends the news?
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Old 07-13-2013, 09:47 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do you tell mutual friends the news?

My stbxh and I worked in the same industry, we share some very long friendship/contacts.
The industry is more creative than bussiness so its just more individual people with no real business harm that could come from me talking to them.
How do you go about telling them that you are geting a divorce?

My first instinct is to tell them my side of the story, so stbxh does not paint me his way.
But I also want to be a good woman and not slander my stbx even though that is very much how my scale of want is tipping.

Any thoughts or advice?

Thanks guys...
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Last edited by darklilly23; 07-13-2013 at 09:52 AM.
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Old 07-13-2013, 10:57 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Re: How do you tell mutual friends the news?

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Originally Posted by darklilly23 View Post
My stbxh and I worked in the same industry, we share some very long friendship/contacts.
The industry is more creative than bussiness so its just more individual people with no real business harm that could come from me talking to them.
How do you go about telling them that you are geting a divorce?

My first instinct is to tell them my side of the story, so stbxh does not paint me his way.
But I also want to be a good woman and not slander my stbx even though that is very much how my scale of want is tipping.

Any thoughts or advice?

Thanks guys...
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Take the high Road!!!! You will glad you did later, those who are true friends will still be your friends - and those who arent will make up their own version anyway... I know this from my own experience, its best to just either steer clear of talking about your stbxh or just give them a readers digest condensed politically correct version of the story without the uglies because even if they are friends they really dont want to know all the ugliness you have been through. Keep a positive attitude and focus on what is going well in the process of moving on.. It is kind of like a titillating news story- once the novelty has worn off people will begin to reallly see you again, and you want to have been a person you can look in the mirror and be happy with in this situation. People will remember you did not speak badly of him, even if he did of you-- thats been very true in my situation. Good luck!
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Old 07-13-2013, 12:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you tell mutual friends the news?

Thanks for the good advice! From one Lilly to another
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Old 07-13-2013, 09:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you tell mutual friends the news?

I made a general Facebook announcement. Figured our mutual friends would all see it at the same time. Just outlined the fact, we are separating, hopefully we both come out better in the end. Thank you for your mutual support. Yadda yadda yadda.
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Old 07-14-2013, 06:28 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you tell mutual friends the news?

Don't be tempted to slate him to other people, unless they are close family/friends

You'll be glad a year or so down the line - whatever my ex was spouting on FB I stayed dignified and didn't put one word out there. Not one. It's no-one else's business. You're getting divorced, end of discussion - no-one needs to know the reasons why
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Old 07-14-2013, 11:07 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you tell mutual friends the news?

In general, when I ahve told people about my situation I focus on myself. I do not confess my wife's sins to others. I tell people what I did wrong, what I have done to contribute to this breakdown and what I am learning about myself to correct it.

I have found that people are very receptive to that. If I had listed her issues and blamed her I think that would not go over so well, and it would not help me at all to get healthier.

So that is my way...self-confession rather than a blaming game.
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Old 07-15-2013, 08:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you tell mutual friends the news?

Be generous and even handed.

If you feel that you have to tell your side of the story then acknowledge that that is what you are doing and invite them to get his version of events. Say something like "of course there are two sides to every story, and he would probably say......". If you can, express sympathy/concern for how hard it is on him.

Advantages:
1. You look like you're in control and "over it" if you can step back and look at both sides of the equation.
2. You look like a wonderful person if you can effectively say "he hurt me, but I still care about how he is feeling."
3. By not forcing mutual friends to take sides and by inviting them to get his side of the story you are likely to keep more of those friends than if you made them feel uncomfortable and "caught in the middle"
4. Sounding like the bigger person not only makes you look good, it makes you feel goood too and IMO helps the healing process. In a way you are forced to back up you words with actions so you have to BE that bigger person, adn that helps you get over things quicker - plus you will enjoy the admiration that comes with taking the higher ground.
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Old 07-15-2013, 10:39 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Voltaire View Post
Be generous and even handed.

If you feel that you have to tell your side of the story then acknowledge that that is what you are doing and invite them to get his version of events. Say something like "of course there are two sides to every story, and he would probably say......". If you can, express sympathy/concern for how hard it is on him.

Advantages:
1. You look like you're in control and "over it" if you can step back and look at both sides of the equation.
2. You look like a wonderful person if you can effectively say "he hurt me, but I still care about how he is feeling."
3. By not forcing mutual friends to take sides and by inviting them to get his side of the story you are likely to keep more of those friends than if you made them feel uncomfortable and "caught in the middle"
4. Sounding like the bigger person not only makes you look good, it makes you feel goood too and IMO helps the healing process. In a way you are forced to back up you words with actions so you have to BE that bigger person, adn that helps you get over things quicker - plus you will enjoy the admiration that comes with taking the higher ground.
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Old 07-15-2013, 03:34 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Old 07-15-2013, 03:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you tell mutual friends the news?

All good advice
I am thinking about taking the middle ground with some close mutual friends, but taking the high road with most.
I Think the middle ground would be to state the fact in my situation, this is what happened (cold and just facts) instead of "this is why stbx is doing me wrong"

So something like facts, my take, his take, "I hope stbx is ok in his MLC, I do worry about a negative outcome because of the road he is going down".

What do you guys think about that approach?
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Old 07-15-2013, 05:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you tell mutual friends the news?

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Originally Posted by darklilly23 View Post
All good advice
I am thinking about taking the middle ground with some close mutual friends, but taking the high road with most.
I Think the middle ground would be to state the fact in my situation, this is what happened (cold and just facts) instead of "this is why stbx is doing me wrong"

So something like facts, my take, his take, "I hope stbx is ok in his MLC, I do worry about a negative outcome because of the road he is going down".

What do you guys think about that approach?
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I wouldn't even say MLC, just "new road" or path or whatever. People aren't THAT interested in the details but you have to be ready to deflect some pointed, prying questions that you may not want to answer.

Just tell them rather than worrying about him, that you hope he finds the happiness he seems to be looking for, something along those lines. I guess what I'm getting at is don't inject your own thoughts/emotions into the statements about him.

If they ask why you are split up, it's up to you. When I first got my divorce (1st wife cheated on me) I just shrugged and said "someone else took her." It's the truth, and it's not passing judgement (I didn't think so at the time anyway). I used to say "If someone can steal her, he can have her." Still true to this day.
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Old 07-16-2013, 05:49 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you tell mutual friends the news?

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Originally Posted by darklilly23 View Post
But I also want to be a good woman and not slander my stbx even though that is very much how my scale of want is tipping.

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It's only Slander if what you are saying is untrue
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Old 07-17-2013, 08:54 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default How do you tell mutual friends the news?

Lol ok then, how about " he is exploring a relationship with someone else"?
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