My husband has SSA (same sex attractions) what to do?
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Old 07-13-2013, 02:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Post My husband has SSA (same sex attractions) what to do?

I dated my husband 3 years before we finally tied the knot. Now being married for 7 years i recently found out he has same sex attractions. I discovered that he enjoys straight and homosexual porno, frequently visits strip clubs and sex shops and he has surfed online looking for male escorts. He said he has never acted out on these things but because he was molested by a female and male at a young age he has gender attraction confusion.

We have two beautiful kids and i would be lying if i said i dont love my husband but how does someone continue a relationship knowing this information? I am a christian and try to lean on my faith in every aspect of my life but i know this is not productive in allowing my marriage to be ministry.

My kids constantly ask me where is daddy, being only 2yrs, and 4yrs old Ive made up things. It breaks my heart that im in this situation. It pains me because i cant deny my love for him but i also cannot pretend i now do not know the truth. My first mind told me to see what he wanted to do because i myself did not have any answers so i printed out divorce documents to see if he was telling me to rebuild our marriage or just telling me so we could dissolve THE marriage. He stated he cannot make a promise that he wont ever have these feelings and he doesnt want to hurt me anymore but him giving up hurts.

I have since filed for divorce and am in the 60 day waiting period. But inside im still torn. We dont talk he barely speaks to the kids, should i just walk away or ask him if he wants to try counseling? I just dont know what to do...

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Old 07-14-2013, 11:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has SSA (same sex attractions) what to do?

Not all Christians think homosexuality is a sin, I don't (Ph.D. in theology). But the two of you are married. I have known several couples who have divorced because one person came out as gay. It is very difficult for both parties. It must be incredibly difficult to go through life trying to live like others expect you to live, and to hide what you truly think and feel inside because some people will judge you or shun you.

The marriages that I have seen that ended because of this ended well actually because the straight spouse had really good support networks and was able to come to terms with what the other person was really going through. I know it was not easy for anybody.

Anyway...the two of you should sit down with a counselor who will not judge your husband as a sinner about what to do. Is he in IC? Are you in IC?
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Old 07-15-2013, 12:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has SSA (same sex attractions) what to do?

He sounds bisexual, not gay. I have many bisexual friends, some Christian, some not. Once they commit to marriage, they honor those vows be it homo or heterosexual. Why would you divorce over this issue if he is committed to you? Albeit, looking for an escort does need to be addressed. It is his burden to carry, not yours, and although you claim your faith dictates this decision, I'd offer you to reexamine what about your faith dictates this?

Talk to him, see if there is a way to rectify your relationship. I truly believe all humans fall on the bisexual spectrum somewhere, most being mostly hetero or homosexual, and very very few being 100% or right smack dab in the middle of that spectrum.

Regardless, marriage vows are marriage vows and something taken seriously by all parties involved, you and your husband as well. Good luck with whatever you decide. I just wanted you to know this does not have to be a deal breaker if you do not want it.
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Old 07-15-2013, 01:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has SSA (same sex attractions) what to do?

Also, do not lie to your children. Tell them the truth on a level they can understand, but do not lie. He is their father and they will learn the truth as they grow older anyway, but it will be more painful then than it would be now to just ease them into the reality.
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Old 07-15-2013, 01:38 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has SSA (same sex attractions) what to do?

I wanted to second what BF Guru said in his first post in particular.
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Old 11-04-2013, 08:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has SSA (same sex attractions) what to do?

I lived through this in my first marriage. We married in our early 20's, and nearly from the beginning I should have known something was wrong because of the lack of sexual interest.

He began drinking and as the years went by we fought more and more; I stayed in the marriage because of my Christian upbringing and being married so young, the marriage was my identity.

All I can say to you is this: If there is doubt or mistrust; if you suspect that he is going through with homosexual encounters, then you need to get out. Whether you love him or not is not the issue: the risk to your physical and emotional health is!

Being raised as I was, the Biblical teaching of wives being subservient to husbands...I believe that underlying thought/belief caused me to stay in an unhappy situation far longer than I would have...my emotional health suffered dearly and I still struggle with insecurity.

My advice is: Take care of YOU!
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Old 11-04-2013, 08:51 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has SSA (same sex attractions) what to do?

I lived through this in my first marriage. We married in our early 20's, and nearly from the beginning I should have known something was wrong because of the lack of sexual interest.

He began drinking and as the years went by we fought more and more; I stayed in the marriage because of my Christian upbringing and being married so young, the marriage was my identity.

All I can say to you is this: If there is doubt or mistrust; if you suspect that he is going through with homosexual encounters, then you need to get out. Whether you love him or not is not the issue: the risk to your physical and emotional health is!

Being raised as I was, the Biblical teaching of wives being subservient to husbands...I believe that underlying thought/belief caused me to stay in an unhappy situation far longer than I would have...my emotional health suffered dearly and I still struggle with insecurity.

My advice is: Take care of YOU!
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