Trial Separation Blues

nice777guy · 12-12-2009, 10:58 PM

Feeling down tonight. Went to pick up the kids and wife is telling me that she's going out with a couple of friends tonight. I would really rather she not tell me ANYTHING. Too many other nights out with "friends" ended up being time alone with a different "friend."

I've been exercising, reading, spending time with my kids, listening to and playing more music, and going to church again in the last 2-3 weeks, but I've still got the blues. Just too much uncertainty. She says she wants to work things out, but I have NO CLUE as to what she's doing or what she REALLY wants.

I have to measure progress on what little I can see. She probably missed 1/3 of our therapy appointments before the separation - I'll know if that improves. She was grouchy with and ignored the kids while texting/playing on facebook. I'll be able to get a feel from them - do they want to go to Mom's apartment, or do they seem to dread it? Do they talk about doing things with Mom, or just kind of quiet when they get back?

So far things seem a little better, but its only been a week and a half since she started sleeping at her own place.

Sad thing - what I think I miss the most is being greeted at the door by our dog!

Wish I could read her mind or read into the future. But I can't. Just gonna have to feel these blues and learn a little patience.

Nite all!!!

knortoh · 12-12-2009, 11:05 PM

so many little things to be sad about - so much to miss - totally get the dog thing - life is made up of the details - you don't notice them all when they are there - but as soon as they are gone - it stings like hell

nice777guy · 12-12-2009, 11:10 PM

The wife spent so much time in our bedroom - its kind of hard to miss. And the pain she was causing me with the EA - don't miss that a bit. If she leaves at 8 and gets home at 1am I have no clue - and for now I'm happier that way.

And like I said - her going out with friends was used several times as a cover up. I really wish she would have just kept it to herself. Would have been a much better night.

Taking the kids to Church tomorrow morning. Oldest gets to play Mary in the children's church pageant next weekend. Youngest is an angel. Lots to be excited about. Need to stop typing and just pick up a guitar now. Thanks.

nice777guy · 12-12-2009, 11:32 PM

And one more thought - had the kids call her early - around 8 - I knew she wouldn't answer the phone while out later. Even at 8 they got her voicemail and she didn't call back to tell them goodnight.

knortoh · 12-13-2009, 12:52 PM

In order for kids not to be disapointed you can try having a regular time they call or she calls - I found my kids very curious and worried about what the other was doing when they weren't there.

i found this helps the kids a lot and also it helped me as I wasn't having to field calls from my H when I wasn't prepared....

nice777guy · 12-13-2009, 02:14 PM

That regular time to call is supposed to be right before they go to bed. And yes, the oldest was asking as she went to bed why mommy didn't answer her phone.

And its not like she's "not there" - she has an iphone that is ALWAYS right by her side.

knortoh · 12-13-2009, 04:36 PM

Try feeding that info from your oldest right back to your wife. Dealing with all this is exhausting though.

karajh · 12-19-2009, 01:50 AM

Good luck.. it really stinks when you have small children involved and it sounds like your stbx is wrapped up in her life right now. Just stand by the kids and when she does not answer her phone, tell them you do not know why... (they need to ask her themselves so she can be the one to try and cover it up)! Personally I could never not answer the phone when my children call so I don't get that one!
God Bless you and Keep you!

nice777guy · 12-22-2009, 08:51 AM

So far this has been the only time she hasn't answered or called back right away, so this may have been a one-time thing. It just that it happened so early on.

Everything is so muddled, but I found out the first night she went out with "the girls", they all ended up hanging out with her "friend" at a bar that his cousin owns.

This led to a confrontation in therapy - him or me. She said she chooses me and will stop talking to him. But - like you Squirsh - I don't know what really happens when she goes back to her place. And in a way, I find that liberating. I no longer worry where she is if I'm laying in bed and she's out at midnight.

I think things will come into the light over the next 6 months. Even if I'm not able to see what she's doing, I think I'll still know where her committment lies.