Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 12:22 PM Thread Starter
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Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship?


Do you and your partner fight over the amount of sex you have? Does one of you want more while the other one does not? If so, read below to learn more about how to solve this bedroom problem.

Again!! Vs. Again??

A sexual relationship is an important aspect of a romantic relationship. Fighting about sex can cause problems for many couples. One of the most common cycles couples find themselves in is when one partner wants to increase the frequency of sex while the other is either happy with the current amount of sex or may want less sex.

Tips for the Higher Desire Partner

“Why doesn’t my partner want me like I want him/her? Having sex is important to me- why doesn’t he/she get it?”

The more your partner pulls away from you and avoids sexual situations, the more you may feel frustrated or hurt that your partner does not want you as much as you want him or her.

1. Be Understanding. When you are feeling upset about this problem, try to remember it may not be about you. There may be other reasons your partner is not as interested in sex including physical issues or feelings of inadequacy your partner has about him/herself.

2. Back Off. As much as you are attracted to your partner or want to initiate sex, try not approaching him or her about the topic for a while. Sometimes the person with lower sexual desire just needs more time to recharge and not feel pressured. Without the added frustration or anxiety about fighting about sex, it may be more likely to happen.


Tips for the Lower Desire Partner



“All my partner wants to do is have sex. There are other ways to be intimate!”


The more your partner pushes you about sex, the more you may avoid any kind of sexual situation with your partner. You may feel hurt that your partner doesn’t think other forms of non-sexual intimacy such as emotional intimacy or physical closeness are not enough.

1. Be Understanding. Try to get a good sense of why your partner wants to have more sex. Is it because he/she feels emotionally close during sex? Or is it just a natural difference between the two of you.

2. Be Vocal. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your partner’s pressures for sex, you may be withdrawing from all sexual intimacy. But there may very well be sexual things you DO want that you’re not getting. So, ask your partner for those things! Your partner will probably welcome your sexual interest, even if it’s not exactly what he/she had in mind.


For more information: Talk About Marriage | Couple Skills

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:02 PM
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Re: Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship?



Above all, act earlier rather than later. Things rarely change overnight and by the time you start going hmmmmm it may be too late.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 04:19 PM
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Re: Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship?

Well I don't think this is good advice at all.

For the HD partner it's basically, "suck it up," and "shut up" and all will be better....for whom? Swell for the rejecter but certainly not the rejectee.

And for the LD? The advice is "stand your ground" and redirect the pervert to something you don't find as offensive as actually having an intimate physical relationship with the poor sucker you've lured into nonogamy.

What claptrap.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship?

Definitely affecting ours. She's told me that she only does the sex because she knows I want it. She's mentioned that she could probably go without it the rest of her life and not care.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship?

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Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
Definitely affecting ours. She's told me that she only does the sex because she knows I want it. She's mentioned that she could probably go without it the rest of her life and not care.
She could probably go with it the rest of her life with her husband BUT if Chad comes along she will jump his bones instantly. I've seen that happen and the poor sap (ex) was heartbroken. Everything they had wanted was being freely given to the other sucka-- I mean other man/woman.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship?

We handled this problem a little differently. My wife asked her best friend who was like family to us and had lived with us from time to time, to have sex with me. I asked my wife to join us afterwards and we both loved the closeness we felt that we moved her into our home permanently. We formed a poly triad that lasted 30 years. One of the ladies was usually in the mood and since both women are bisexual, it was a perfect solution for all of us. Not something many wives would do, but it worked out great for us. Not a single problem or even an argument with our girlfriend. No jealousy either.

When we moved away from our girlfriend we missed having our girlfriend. My wife was not that interested in sex without both a male and female in bed, and so our sex drives drifted apart. Our solution was a sexual fetish called Chastity Play. Not the way it is portrayed on most blogs with BDSM, but plain old teasing and denial much like Tantric sex where orgasms are purposely withheld so that when you do have one, it is spectacular. My wife got to have orgasms whenever she wanted but mine were controlled by her. I thought the idea was stupid and could not grasp how that would make our marriage better. However, after we tried it we saw the difference it made. With my wife in control of our sex life for the first time in her life and being able to have an orgasm without reciprocating, she wanted sex more often and is having the best orgasms of her life. She now has multiple orgasms in under 3 minutes.

Chastity Play is not about no sex. It is about a lot of sex but with no orgams for the male until the female wants it. Sex is still the same with the difference that I focus more intensely on my wife's sexual needs than my own. The only difference now is the absence of the 10 seconds of my orgasm. My wife will bring me to the edge of an orgasm over and over again for an hour. I get to enjoy that feeling for all that time and do not want to give it up for the few seconds of an orgasm. I have grown addicted to the feeling of anticipation of an orgasm, more than to the orgasm itself. When I am unable to masturbate and have my orgasms limited to meet my wife's schedule, I feel a sexual energy, am more attentive to my wife, more passive and show my obvious desire for my wife. My wife loves the attention she is getting. She feels like the most desirable woman in the world. I love to massage her and show her my love whenever I can.

In short, what we did is as we always did when our libidos started to drift apart; we found a solution by thinking out of the box. Monogamy can trap you and limits your options. With so many people divorcing and cheating, we figured to do things our way. Me especially since my first fiancee cheated on me as did the girlfriend after her. I lost faith in monogamy and made non monogamy work for us. Not that we dated other people but rather we invited people into our sex life when needed. We have learned that sex can be just sex and not making love. We also learned that we can love more than each other while holding our marriage above all else. After all, isn't that what we do with our family?

Along the way we ran across a lot of married couples who had non traditional marriages too. No one goes around talking about it and we were kind of surprised to find our best friends in an alternative marriage as well as some neighbors and others we knew. They gave no clue about their non traditional marriages but then again, neither did we. We just lived our lives in a way that made us all happy without being bound by the rules of society or religion. Not your ordinary solution to the problem of differing libidos but a suggestion that instead of compromising on a level of sex that is too much for one and too little to the other, perhaps another form of sex can solve the problem as it did for us and our non traditional friends.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship?

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Originally Posted by 23cm View Post
Well I don't think this is good advice at all.

For the HD partner it's basically, "suck it up," and "shut up" and all will be better....for whom? Swell for the rejecter but certainly not the rejectee.

And for the LD? The advice is "stand your ground" and redirect the pervert to something you don't find as offensive as actually having an intimate physical relationship with the poor sucker you've lured into nonogamy.

What claptrap.
Agreed, this is alot of bull****. This won't fix the problem at all and probably make it worse. Seems the person writing this was LD. You can't just move on with an issue like this by just assuming the LD partner is right and ignoring the needs of the HD partner.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship?

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Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
She could probably go with it the rest of her life with her husband BUT if Chad comes along she will jump his bones instantly. I've seen that happen and the poor sap (ex) was heartbroken. Everything they had wanted was being freely given to the other sucka-- I mean other man/woman.
I've brought that up. She has some self esteem issues she's working on that will hopefully get better here soon. She's also made the comment about getting me a girlfriend on the side to deal with me being constantly horny.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 01:06 PM
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Re: Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship?

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I've brought that up. She has some self esteem issues she's working on that will hopefully get better here soon. She's also made the comment about getting me a girlfriend on the side to deal with me being constantly horny.
I doubt that she really throughly thought out the idea of bringing another person into the marriage...how do you feel about it? Would you be happy to have a girlfriend on the side to make up for your wife's lack of desire to have sexual intimacy with you?
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship?

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I doubt that she really throughly thought out the idea of bringing another person into the marriage...how do you feel about it? Would you be happy to have a girlfriend on the side to make up for your wife's lack of desire to have sexual intimacy with you?
It would probably be fun one or two times, but there is that comfort level there with my wife. I've explained that if she's not enjoying it, it's not fun for me either.

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 11:24 AM
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Re: Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship?

This article is crap!!!!! The only thing this article would do is cause a divorce or someone to actually go out and cheat on purpose. I try to initiate sex with my wife because I have the HD than she does and I get rejected most of the time. I have even heard the excuses for the one with a LD and it's bull****.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship?

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It would probably be fun one or two times, but there is that comfort level there with my wife. I've explained that if she's not enjoying it, it's not fun for me either.
I figured you'd say that. I think the only time I may have said something similar to my husband or had thought that I could go without any sexual intimacy was when I was going through severe depression. At the time I found it difficult to enjoy just about anything in my life and sex became one of those things that were not a priority. The problem with depression is that it is a very selfish illness and the focus is on the depressed where at least in my personal experience had led me to believe that I was the only one suffering and nobody's pain could compre to mine. My husband has always been incredibly patient and for sure is glad that I eventually came to understand that I needed to work on my mental health and realize that he was suffering too by the fact that I was neglectful of his needs. I was wondering if your wife may struggle with depression but I am well aware that a person can be LD and there is nothing more to it.

Like your wife I struggle with self esteem issues but that is also something that I have to take responsibility for and work on it. If my husband says he finds me attractive and shows me (as he has) that he loves me then I have to believe him. Whenever I have any unfounded doubts it is up to me to remind myself that I am worthy of his love and attention. Of course it isn't always easy but having a happy marriage is worth every effort.
Hopefully your wife gets to the point where she succeeds at handling her issues sooner rather than later.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 03:03 PM
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Re: Are Differences in Sexual Desire Affecting Your Relationship?

I think that the article is a good starting point. It's basically saying for both people to not fight about this and to understand each other's point of view.

What I think is missing in the article is what to do next. There are things that a couple can do to improve their sex life in some cases.

The first thing to do is to determine if the person who appears to be LD really is LD, or do they just not want sex with their spouse. Or if the HD person is wanting an unreasonable amount of sex.

For example we have a guy here whose ex wife wanted sex 3-4 times a day and she made his life miserable if she did not get it. That's unreasonable regardless of the gender of the HD. In these sorts of cases, doing what the article suggests is only step 1. Step 2 is to deal with the problems. The person who experience the above ended up divorcing his wife because she could not do what this article suggests--back off and respect her husband's lower (more normal) sex drive.

If one spouse really is LD, then the article about the only thing that a couple can do. Either accept that this is what your partner is like and learn to live with it, or divorce. It's the only reasonable solution.

But, if the person who is LD just does not want sex with their spouse, that is a problem that they can seek to fix. If the HD person is unreasonable, that is a problem that they can seek to fix. But it can only be fixed after the couple does what the article suggests.
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