Tuckerswife

I have been married to my husband for 24 years. We have two great kids. One is a senior in College and the other is a senior in High School. Two years ago I found out my husband was having an secretative relationship with his best friend's wife who is approximately 10 years older than we are. He says it wasn't anything bad...just giving each other marrital advice. It was bad enough that his best friend didn't want to have anything to do with him any more and my husband quit his job where he worked with the above mentioned woman. His friend found out that his wife and my husband were talking to each other several times a day and at the end of their conversations would end with "love you...miss you."

My husband apologized and said he didn't want me to leave him. I forgave him (I think) and have stayed. I have always been the more emotional and flirtatious out of the two of us. My husband is more reserved and doesn't show his emotions as much. He really tried for probably 6 months to be more affectionate and caring. For the last year and a half he's gone back to acting more like when he was having this relationship. More emotionally detached. He has no problem not being intimate. We go 4 or 5 weeks without intimacy and when we are...I feel like he feels he has to.

I really miss the intimacy and have tried being more affectionate. When this hasn't worked I've tried to be more like him and give him space. When I act more like this he thinks I'm mad. I tell him I'm not, but I'm trying to give him what I think he wants. (I've tried asking him, but he says he likes things just the way they are except without me pestering him to talk).

I know that my son will be graduating from High School next spring and my daughter is getting married around the same time. My husband and I will be the only ones left. I really don't want to waste the rest of my life with someone who doesn't really love me. I don't remember the last time he kissed me like he loved me. The kisses I get are short and make me feel like I'm kissing my grandmother. We tried counseling, but only went twice because my husband got upset when the counselor told him he had passive/aggressive tendencies. I went ahead and got a book the counselor told me to get and did what it told me to fix me. I get frustrated and angry because I can't fix us. What do I do? I'm at the end of my rope.

mici

Dear Tuckerswife,

I feel for you and I am really sorry that you feel this way. I think you are still very strong and determined and no matter what you will find a way for you. I truly believe this! My husband is the same way when it comes to talking. But there must be some way to find out what's going on with your husband. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way but he doesn't want to tell you to hurt your feelings. Maybe he also feels the same way as you, sad and lonely but doesn't know what to do about it. Then of course, question remains, why did he have this relationship with this other woman?
If you think that he is detached from you for other reasons, I would try maybe try talking to his friends? Or family?
Either way, you are right when you say that you shouldn't have to waste the rest of your life lonely and sad and this way. If he goes out without you, then you should try to find something for yourself, to help you get your mind off this and try to enjoy life, friends and family and remember happiness and that you could be happy again.
and you will!

Tuckerswife

My husband says he doesn't need any friends anymore because of what happened. He was keeping the phone calls a secret though. When I talked to the other woman, she said she 'didn't know if something would have happened had it continued or not.' I've mentioned different things I've seen on Dr. Phil or read in books and my husband instantly huffs with a frown on his face. The next day he'll say he's sorry, but he never changes. I really don't think he's in love with me any more, but for some reason he won't say it. For some reason I need to hear him admit it before I leave. Although his parents live just up the road from us, he doesn't talk with them as much as I do. He drives a truck and so my son or I help out his parents since they're older. On top of dealing with this I've lost both of my grandmothers in the past 6 months and my parents were in a horrible accident in February. My brothers and sister and I didn't even know if my dad was going to make it for a little over a month. My parents are not yet physically able to drive so I take them to doctors every week. I teach so I don't work in the summer. I know I need to do something soon. I cry myself to sleep every night. I mentioned that I might be depressed to my doctor and she dismissed it. I've thought about going somewhere else but don't know where to go. If I did find a place to go, I'm not sure I could handle telling anyone else without breaking down completely.

Kath3015

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I am not sure what advice I could give you...My husband and I have been married for 25 years. I don't feel as if I've been IN LOVE with him for many many years now. He has alot of emotional problems, ie., depression, anxiety, bi-polar. It is VERY hard to love him. I'm very patient and have stayed with him this long. I don't know how much longer I can put up with it though...Follow your heart..