stav

Poor you

A separation might help you both focus on what you want from life, it might even show her what a fool she is being.

BrokenFrag

I already know what I want in life. I always have. I wanted a family. We were talking about starting one this summer. We even had names picked out. And in a matter of 4 months, it is all gone. All gone. Everything I have ever done has been for the benefit of my family. Everything I have been building has been for a family.

It was everything she wanted too. With his help, in just 4 months she replaced me with him in all of her hopes and dreams. In just 4 months she erased 10 years of history and is incapable of looking at me with loving eyes. She can no longer see a future with me.

She chose all of this. She could choose to undo it all. There was nothing wrong enough with our marriage to so completely and totally destroy it this quickly.

How do I move on when nothing makes sense? If I had done something wrong, I could understand. But she says that it really has nothing to do with me, and may actually have nothing to do with him. She just wants to start again. There is no reason. How do you come to terms with something that happened for no reason?

I love her so much and want so badly what we almost had, that I can't let her go. She has actually said that she might try to work on our marriage (probably just to say she tried), but she doesn't know if she wants us to make it. She has admitted to me that she knows that if she and I both wanted it and worked at it that we could probably be happy. She just doesn't know if she wants to do all that work, when a clean start may work out just the same if not better.

She doesn't know what a healthy, happy, loving relationship is because her parents never had one, none of her friends had one (they're either single or divorced), and none of my friends are local, nor have they made it this far. We literally have the best relationship out of anyone else in our lives, but somehow she has convinced herself that something is wrong.

This world is so messed up. I was cursed to love a defective woman, and I don't know if I will ever be able to love again.

mommy22

Sadly, if she chooses the other relationship, she'll eventually get bored with that one too. SHe'll probably come running back to you if that's the case. She's really toying with you and it's VERY unfair. She needs to decide what she wants RIGHT NOW so that you can move on with your life --whether it's with her or alone. I don't know what she's thinking. You sound like such a devoted, loving person. In my case, I took a backseat to my husband's job. I brought up counseling many times, begged for him to spend time with me. He's been doing that the last month and it's so wonderful. I feel like I'm an important part of his life again. It's all I wanted. What does she want? If she doesn't know, why is she jumping into another relationship? Have you asked her this? It makes no sense. She's not thinking straight. Anyway, it may be time for an ultimatum with her. Your heart can't take much more. Could you work out some sort of compromise where she cuts him off for a month while you two go to counseling and give it all you got and if it doesn't work then you'll let her go?

stav

Broken Frag, she won't last with this man, it's a fling nothing more. You have to decide whether you want to be around to pick up the inevitable pieces when it goes pear shaped for her.

BrokenFrag

If you look at my "Can I save my wife" post in the general discussion forum, you can see the update. My wife is not right in the head, never has been. I was finally able to make enough sense of all this last night that I slept for more than 3 hours for the first time in 2 weeks (of course the ambien might have helped )

I have give her everything I ever had. She has all of my heart and my soul. Whatever mistakes I have made in the past, which she still can't pinpoint, they were never done intentionally. She has always come first with me. She still comes first.

I am just sad that the time is coming, that I will finally have to be selfish and think of myself. I truly believe I was born to love her and to help her. And it looks like she was born to never be able to recognize real love. The love her mother has tried to show her, the love that I have given her for long. The only love she knows is that desire and passion that go with "in love." Because that stuff burns so brightly, she thinks that that is what true love really feels like. She doesn't understand that it always fades. That true love is there to take out the trash. True love is there when she gets sad and tries to make her happy. True love is coming back with arms wide open even after she has tried to throw it away.

Unfortunately, if she doesn't come around soon, I will have to ask her to leave. It is sad, we might actually separate before her 30 birthday in early May. We both were so looking forward to that celebration. So sad. None of this had to happen.

Chopblock

"She had an affair, and now I am trying to win her back. Basically, she wants me to make her jealous. She wants me to be confident and have women want me. She thinks this might make her want me again."

I believe THIS is the problem. You are rewarding bad behavior. She hurt you, and you have made it clear that you are willing to do anything to save this relationship.

I know it already failed as I've read the followups, but I believe this advice can still help you. You see that confidence is a big deal, and to add to that, I'll say "not being bitter over the past".

In short: baggage will KILL your chances.

Be thankful you DIDN'T start that family yet. If you had gotten her pregnant, you'd now be entering the dating world with a baby mama tethered to you for life. Both you and your ex-wife will always be a part of each others lives, and many people just don't want to deal with that.

The trick here is to NOT give her what she wants, and NOT bend over backwards to placate her. As was also said, she's only going to get bored and seek out something new -- even with her new man.

The real trick here is to move on -- easier said than done, but better done than dismissed.

Yes you are hurt, yes you were wronged. You have every right to be upset and angry, and it will stay with you for as long as you let it.

You will meet someone who shares your dreams, and who would not ever consider disrespecting you the way your ex-wife did.

Imagine how much better off you will be in 2 years when you have a new special lady and are achieving your dreams, and your ex-wife has laid waste to another relationship.

berlinlife06

Sorry to hear about that. I hope that you take your time for yourself and resolve any issues that make you insecure at this point. I'm sure you can find someone that will be not only interested in you, but also will fall in love with you. Good luck.