Is it ok for a husband to chat online?
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Old 01-20-2010, 04:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

My husband likes to chat with other women online. He has a ton of different people in his yahoo and aol messenger lists. I have had a few problems in the past with him doing this because he would often tell a woman that she is sexy, and he has received pictures and saved them on the computer. He likes to flirt with these "friends". 2 months ago we tried to have a little seperation. During that time, he talked to one of his "friends", when we got back together, he had pictures of this girl in his email, 3 different email messages. He agreed to stop talking to her. Well, I am not comfortable with him doing this anymore, but he won't stop. His latest conversation with a "friend" was very flirty. I did not like it. And no, I do not trust my husband, he has broken it over and over again, but insists he has changed. When I say broke it, I mean lying about phone numbers from other women, he got a room with another woman, etc.
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Old 01-20-2010, 04:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

Well, it certainly doesn't sound unreasonable for you to have problems with this. His history and all just screams that this area is dangerous territory.

State clearly that this is not OK. Try and put some boundaries in place to keep him away from this kind of stuff. It will be difficult for him (as it seems to be his habit), but he should be doing this for your relationship.

Are you giving him enough love, respect and physical attention? Does he feel satisfied with your attention so that he doesn't need to build "flirty" relationships online?
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Old 01-20-2010, 04:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

Well thats the problem, I can't seem to find it within my self to let go of all this pain that has built up in the past five years. I feel like, why should I be the one to do it for him, when he never has done it for me? Its like, every time a new thing pops up, it just opens those wounds. He has screwed me over for the past five years and I'm very bitter about it. I know we need help, well i know that I need help.
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Old 01-20-2010, 04:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

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Originally Posted by Alexandra View Post

Are you giving him enough love, respect and physical attention? Does he feel satisfied with your attention so that he doesn't need to build "flirty" relationships online?
It should be understood on this forum that we're not to blame the cheatee on the cheaters activities. If the cheater feels their relationship is lacking, its THEIR responsibility to work on it WITHIN the marrige, not look outside of it. Nor expect the cheatee to read their minds and change before they are "forced" to cheat.

This question could be asked in EVERY case where there is infidelity, be it emotional or physical. I think we should all agree to not go there any more.
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Old 01-20-2010, 08:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

I completely agree with Cody.

I would try to talk to him and tell him that you need to feel more important than these internet friends. That if you and your marriage are important, then he needs to choose your marriage and you over them. See what he chooses. If he chooses the internet friends, then you have choices of your own to make.
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Old 01-21-2010, 05:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

I apologize if I tread on sensitive ground there Cody. I was not trying to place blame, i was simply trying to help her ask herself questions which, once she found out whether they applied, could help her to change directions. It was really more of a forward-looking question than a backward placing blame question.

Again, I apologize. Myself, I find it more fruitful to figure out what I can do in a situation, rather than spend a lot of energy trying to change other people's actions. I was in no way saying that the Cheater could turn and blame the Cheatee for their mistake.
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Old 01-21-2010, 07:01 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

I believe what Alex said was fine. Very often the cheatee does something that opens the door, and the cheater walks through it. Ideally the cheater should mention that the door is open.
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Old 01-21-2010, 07:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

[QUOTE=Alexandra;121543] I was not trying to place blame

I think that is the key...not trying to place blame. Let go of the pain. The key here is to build a good relationship with each other. Communicate. Fix what is wrong.

In my situation I would be the "cheater" (although fortunately, unsuccessful--but I know my heart was on that path). I did beat myself up over it. And I could argue that there were some things missing in my marriage that prompted me to take the road I took, misguided as it was.

Slowly I am opening lines of communication with my wife, and things are better.

But there were reasons why communication shut down in the first place.

Again, at this point, I want to move away from assigning blame. To myself, or to her. I want a good relationship with my wife. I hope that you can do the same.
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Old 01-21-2010, 07:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

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Originally Posted by cody5 View Post
It should be understood on this forum that we're not to blame the cheatee on the cheaters activities. If the cheater feels their relationship is lacking, its THEIR responsibility to work on it WITHIN the marrige, not look outside of it.
While I agree with you about the "blame part," to me, it seemed like Alexandra was suggesting ways she could work on the relationship.

No one's behavior can be blamed on another, but we each have responsibility for working on our relationship. I've seen many people on here who have been cheated on - create positive change in their relationships by changing their own behavior.
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Old 02-09-2010, 07:33 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

This is very familiar territory for myself and my husband (we have been married 20 years)

We too had serious issues with us BOTH chatting to the opposite sex (him with his female friends, me with my male friends) and the considerable amount of time taken (hours!) chatting online (separately)

I have to admit. We still do it in small amounts. We keep it very discrete from the other. But sometimes it feels like it enhances our marriage, because it's a nice little distraction on the side (after all... you're married a long time!)

We KNOW the importance of togetherness (with each other) and doing things with each other etc.... but sometimes knowing he's chatted online (even if it's only a suspicion) doesnt make me want him.... but I think there were cracks anyway.... ours felt like a marriage that happened because we were in the right place at the right time. There was no reason why not. We're fine and good together, but when I hear of how "perfect" other marriages are.....

Of course, this internet thing not ideal, but we've been doing it for the past 7-8 years, it feels normal and that everyone else is probably doing it anyway!

It's a cycle we cant break out of.

Sorry to confused30 as I'm not much help to you in this situation.
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Old 02-09-2010, 12:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

Simple for married people. I think it's almost 100% never a good idea to have relationships with people of the opposite sex if you are in a committed marriage. If you're chatting, flirting, etc with other people (online or in person) then you're not committed in your relationship and are keeping doors opened that shouldn't be.

We're in a crazy time in our society where we don't have time to stop and take a breath so for people to spend energy like that on other relationships is just one reason why so many marriages fail and infidelities occur (IMHO).

I think you're not out of line to lay it down and tell him this is to stop, period. There is no gray area, he's a married man and if he wants to stay married he's to stop relationships with other women and focus that energy back on to you. You need to do your part and provide what he's missing as much as you can. But chatting to women is not cool at all. If he doesn't want to agree to that then he's not committed to the marriage and these other relationships are more important then you.
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Old 02-10-2010, 06:57 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Simple for married people. I think it's almost 100% never a good idea to have relationships with people of the opposite sex if you are in a committed marriage. If you're chatting, flirting, etc with other people (online or in person) then you're not committed in your relationship and are keeping doors opened that shouldn't be.

We're in a crazy time in our society where we don't have time to stop and take a breath so for people to spend energy like that on other relationships is just one reason why so many marriages fail and infidelities occur (IMHO).

I think you're not out of line to lay it down and tell him this is to stop, period. There is no gray area, he's a married man and if he wants to stay married he's to stop relationships with other women and focus that energy back on to you. You need to do your part and provide what he's missing as much as you can. But chatting to women is not cool at all. If he doesn't want to agree to that then he's not committed to the marriage and these other relationships are more important then you.
woohoo! Well said!! And... from a man too! Refreshing! Thanks Mike1 for restoring a little faith in the male species!!
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Old 07-01-2011, 04:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

It is definitely not ok for husbands to chat with stranger online. I am just married for almost 8months now. My parents are against our marriage because he is from a different race. My family disowned me and I left them to marry the man who I love so much. Unfortunately, 2weeks before our wedding, I found out that he been chatting/flirting with a girl online. It broke my heart and until now i still feel so hurt inside. However, he is a changed man now (no more chatting/flirting) but I found out that he been calling a girl he met online and talk for hours (i checked his phone bill). Again, he apologized and said that it wont happen again, and besides I am 3months pregnant now. If i am not pregnant now, i would probably leave him and ask for divorce because I cant stop thinking that he still did all that even though I had left everything just to marry him.

So the conclusion is, it is very unacceptable for husband to chat online with strangers.
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Old 07-01-2011, 05:36 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

No.
And if he knows that you are hurt by doing it, all the more No.
I'm surprised people even have to ask if this is okay.
It's a common question but in any circumstance the answer is always No.
Not okay.
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Old 07-01-2011, 09:02 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it ok for a husband to chat online?

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Well, I am not comfortable with him doing this anymore, but he won't stop. His latest conversation with a "friend" was very flirty. I did not like it. And no, I do not trust my husband, he has broken it over and over again, but insists he has changed. When I say broke it, I mean lying about phone numbers from other women, he got a room with another woman, etc.
You answered your own question. It's not ok with you and he continues to do it and won't stop. You don't trust him.

So what are you going to do about it? You can either stay and tolerate a marriage where your husband looks for other women and talks to them knowing full well it hurts you or you can remove yourself from the relationship.

If any of the women are married, tell their husbands/boyfriends.
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