My Husband says he doesn't love me anymore
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Old 04-10-2008, 02:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy My Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

Where can I begin? My husband & I have been dating for almost ten years when we got married in 2006. He was my 1st love and still is the love of my life. Our marriage was just fine up until a year ago, we both knew from the start that he wanted kids, I on the other hand wanted to wait a few years. Since I work long hours and wasn't ready to have kids just yet. So as soon as we got married I started taking the pill, many times I felt he was upset about me taking them, and many times he tried to get me off them, but I just ignored him. Then all of a sudden, he had walked away from the subject of having kids, like he had given up.

Last December I stopped taking the pill, and am now trying for a baby, but he is not co-operating. We do have sex regularly, don't see any problems there, (but he just won't help out in that area: confused

Lately, he has become more distant from me and has told me several times that he wants a divorce. That hurts me so much, cause I love him dearly. We still have the same relationship that we had when we first got married, we still hang out together, talk to each other, have a few laughs,but he just doesn't desire me like he used to. He himself has told me that he doesn't love me anymore (but deep down inside him I know he still has some feeling for me), I acknowledge that now, that I failed to meet his needs. I know I was selfish, I was only thinking of myself and my career and totally ignored him. But I'm willing to fix my marriage, I will not give up on him.He has provided me with everything that a wife needs,both financially and emotionally. I'm so lucky to have him for a husband, and in return I rejected him and he does not feel appreciated.

I have told him that I do want kids now and that I'm ready, but he says it's too late, that I've broken his heart, he no longer wants to have kids with me, because he was rejected so many times.

How can I convince my husband that it's not too late. Guys and gals Please help. I don't know what to do
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Old 04-10-2008, 07:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

First I am sorry to hear of your situation.

I know you have already had "the talk" with him but I think you need to appoach it from another way for him to understand.

"Honey, I love you and I know I hurt you but I think if you give me this one more shot then we can really make something of this. I always wanted kids just not right off and now I realize that was a mistake but if after 12 years of being together with you doesn't get me another try to right a wrong then what ever will? We love each other, relationships like ours have ups and downs, and I am sorry I didn't see what needed to be done before but now you have one shot to do the right thing. WHatever happens know I love you, want to be with you and am willing to have your children."

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Old 04-15-2008, 11:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

Man, I guess I will never understand women.

Ok, daisy883 you stated that you told your husband,
"I know I was selfish, I was only thinking of myself" but aren't you doing that again now? I mean trying to get him to overlook all the times you rejected him and hurt him and expecting him to consent to having a baby with you now that "YOU" are ready.

I mean am I tripping here, am I the only one that sees something wrong with this?

If you truly mean what you said about feeling bad about all those years of your selfish behavior at the expense of the feeling of the man you supposedly love, then you'll just back off and let him decide when "HE", not "YOU" is ready to forgive you and start a family. You are lucky to still have him stick around and he didn't decide to cut his losses and try and just start over somewhere else.

I do wish you luck, if you are being sincere about being sorry about your years of just thinking about yourself.
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Old 04-17-2008, 02:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

I agree, you both need to be ready for that sort of thing. You did not react correctly by just ignoring him. That is worse than rejection. That is not even acknowledging his needs period. You had a right to turn this down. Having kids is not the same as "should we change from carpet to wood?" both instances will be a decision you have to live with but you can always get rid of the wood, kids are there for the rest of your life. It is not fair to you, your marriage, or your future children to have them if they are not wanted by both parents! You can't undo a past wrong but you can make some changes right now... Stop pressuring him for kids. You didn't like it and neither does he. This is not the right time. Right now you need to fix what marriage you have left. It sounds like right now you are at least still good friends. Start there. Then gradually try to bring back the other things that have made you two happy for so long before your marriage.
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Old 04-18-2008, 12:43 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

If he already told you that he doesn't love you anymore, he probably has feelings for you, but he is not in love. Love yourself, and just don't try to repair something that might not be really worth.
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Old 04-18-2008, 05:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

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Originally Posted by mommy22 View Post
Assure him your intent was not selfishness but rather preparedness for a future with children. Be humble in your apology and ask him to reconsider.
Nice mommy22, nice....
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Old 05-01-2008, 10:39 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

I also have to comment on the disparity between "I was selfish" and "I want kids now".

You said you got everything you wanted. Did he get everything he wanted? Do you even KNOW what he wants?

You are lucky he hasn't left you yet, though it sounds like he has finally decided that he is sick of giving you everything you want without getting what he wants.

I agree that you might just have to wait and see if HE wants to stick around. In order to help sway him, it definitely needs to be about HIM for a while.
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Old 05-05-2008, 11:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I am in a situation right now with my husband and I have two children. We've been married 8 years, together 10. He just moved out two weeks ago and said that he doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore. Now I'm trying to save my marriage and hope that the kids that are my life aren't going to have a broken family. Sometimes things happen for a reason in life and there is nothing wrong with waiting to have children so you can have a stable environment for them to live in. I think that before you have children you two need to work on the problem at hand because you don't want to push this on him and then have the relationship not work out anyway. Believe me, as hard as what I'm going through with my husband now is for me I know it's so much harder on my children. So take the time to work this out between you both so when you do have a child you can enjoy that experience and have this all behind you.
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Old 05-10-2008, 12:37 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Not wanting kids when he did is not something to be sorry about. Having kids is hard and puts a lot of stress on a marriageand having them when you aren't ready is harder. You maybe could have handled it better at the time but all you can do now is try to fix things. Wanting kids doesn't make you selfish but pushing it on him is what he was doing to you.

Lots of people say they want a divorce or don't love the other person but if their actions don't say that then the words might be empty. Sounds like there is nothing stopping him from leaving so if he really wanted to he would. Fight for your marriage and get it solid. Then having kids will be a joy for both of you. Bringing kids into an unsteady relationship is horrible for you and them. Hang in there.
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Old 05-10-2008, 07:13 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

I have been thinking about this post a lot. There are similarities between my own situation and this one. Namely that someone in the relationship did not acknowledge the feelings and wishes of the other.

Someone up there said "be humble with your apology" . But the damage has already been done. The time for apologies has past. Apologies are best for soothing unintended wounds from festering. These wounds have been festering a long time.

Also it is not the time to explain - explanations lead to recriminations. "I only did this because you did that".

The only thing you can do now is step up and take responsibility.

Acknowledge that you were wrong to ignore his needs. Acknowledge his feelings and expectations of the present and future. Acknowledge what role you want to play in his life and be honest with yourself about it.

About this last line - if you did not have respect for him in the past, has this really changed now? Do you respect him more than you used to or do you only see him as a means to an end of having the children you want?

Did he fail to respect you and your wishes?

You can not bully one another into being the person you want them to be. And you can not make your mistakes look good in his eyes. But if you really love him you can start by respecting his wishes right now and taking responsibility for your actions.
Make every move you do RIGHT NOW be a move for a healthy future with your husband. Be prepared that what is really healthy may not lead to keeping your marriage. There are no guarantees here.
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Old 05-11-2008, 02:15 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

Just tell him you realize why he feels rejected and ask him what can you do to make him fall in love with you again. He may have other issues with you that you don't realize.

He still loves you otherwise he would be gone. It's just the only way he can communicate that feeling to you, that he's spent, he doesn't have butterflies, etc. He may not want divorce but just doesn't see any other option. I would drop the subject of children.

It's so frustrating to see how you both want children but have such a hard time just getting there. Tell him you are willing to work on your respect for him (b/c girl, that was harsh and disrespect to a man is like castration esp when he didn't deserve it) and gently ask him to forgive you and drop the resentment.

Kids don't matter at this point, you guys have to become one unit again. Besides, let the love flow...trust me, babies will come.
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Old 05-14-2008, 08:20 AM   #12 (permalink)
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"Someone up there said "be humble with your apology" . But the damage has already been done. The time for apologies has past. Apologies are best for soothing unintended wounds from festering. These wounds have been festering a long time.

Also it is not the time to explain - explanations lead to recriminations. "I only did this because you did that".

The only thing you can do now is step up and take responsibility."


That is so true. His wounds are too deep now. That's why I'm giving him some space, while still being a good wife to him (I think I am anyway!). I've tried to please him in so many ways in the past few months, like sending him some romantic text messages, write romantic poems for him. I try to be a good listener whenever he lets out his feelings about this issue, which he does quite often, I try to be non-judgemental and try to be empathetic. I bought him gifts and all. He appreciates it, but says that it won't fix things. I know that myself, but it's just guilt I guess that makes me buy things for him. I know he still loves me (well at least likes me). We still sleep together and make love to each other often, but he is not the same person. Some days hes ok, but other days hes not, and keeps saying he wants to get separated. I told him to hold on a little longer, that our relationship is worth too much to throw it all away. I told him whenever HES ready to forgive me, Im here for him. But he says that I made him loose interest in marriage and starting a family, he says even if he left me, he wouldnt get married ever again. He feels totally rejected. How can I re-assure him that I do appreciate everything hes done for me?

I hope we can get over this phase soon, and be a happy couple again.
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Old 05-14-2008, 08:38 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

It really takes time, and I hope in your case things will change. Him losing interest in any marriage is a 2 part sign to how much he loves you yet how affected he was by what you did.

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Old 05-14-2008, 10:02 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Him losing interest in any marriage is a 2 part sign to how much he loves you yet how affected he was by what you did.

He also may be feeling at this point being showered with attention is a quick fix on your part and may not think it will last. I know you said you've talked and listened, but has he opened up about his feelings? When you respond, do you say things that would make him confident you get it and really want to fulfill his needs in the marriage? I would think if you are the one person he can confide in and trust, you can do a lot just by listening and making him feel you really care about him, since that was the void he was feeling over the years, overly mushy romantic gestures may be too much for him at this point.
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