Happily married and considering an affair
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Old 08-19-2013, 05:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Happily married and considering an affair

I love my husband. I can't imagine my world without him. I'm considering having an affair. Is it lust? curiosity? Is it possible to spend time with someone else and not hurt my husband? Who will I be if I do this, even if he doesn't find out? I'm an emotional mess right now.
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Old 08-19-2013, 05:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Happily married and considering an affair

If your are considering an affair, you probably are not happily married. Unless you are looking to have your cake and eat it to... Why would you have an affair if you are happy?.. Most people involved in affairs are not happy in/with their marriages and something is missing. Dorsn't mean it is right to do and usually people in these situations don't go looking to have one.

Think of it this way, how would you feel if your husband had an affair?

I say get out of the marriage BEFORE you have an affair.
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Old 08-19-2013, 05:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Happily married and considering an affair

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I love my husband. I can't imagine my world without him. I'm considering having an affair. Is it lust? curiosity? Is it possible to spend time with someone else and not hurt my husband? Who will I be if I do this, even if he doesn't find out? I'm an emotional mess right now.
To answer your questions :

1) Is it lust? curiosity? A: Its total selfishness

2) Is it possible to spend time with someone else and not hurt my husband? A: NO ! In fact, its is quite possible one of the worst hurts to do to another person

3) Who will I be if I do this, even if he doesn't find out? A: An absolute terrible person IMO.

Why are you thinking about doing something that is so destructive ?
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Happily married and considering an affair

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I love my husband. I can't imagine my world without him. I'm considering having an affair. Is it lust? curiosity? Is it possible to spend time with someone else and not hurt my husband? Who will I be if I do this, even if he doesn't find out? I'm an emotional mess right now.
Who will you be? You'll be a cheater. Forever. You took vows. I suggest you go to the CWI section and just read a few threads. Most of the BS's there were never supposed to find out. There are also some very remorseful WS's there who would give their left arm to take back what they have done. If you want someone else, divorce your husband first. He doesn't deserve the betrayal. You can't possibly really love him if you're considering someone else.
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Happily married and considering an affair

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Originally Posted by cvm View Post
I love my husband. I can't imagine my world without him. I'm considering having an affair. Is it lust? curiosity? Is it possible to spend time with someone else and not hurt my husband? Who will I be if I do this, even if he doesn't find out? I'm an emotional mess right now.
Ask your husband these questions. Find out how he feels about it.

Keep in mind that he will most likely find out about your affair, so letting him know ahead of time is the wise thing to do.
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I love my husband. I can't imagine my world without him. I'm considering having an affair.

If you have an affair, it's more than possible that you will have to consider your world without him...

Is it lust?

Could be

curiosity?

Could be.

Is it possible to spend time with someone else and not hurt my husband?

I doubt it. When a partner cheats, it usually hurts the other partner very deeply.

Who will I be if I do this, even if he doesn't find out?

You will be a cheater.

I'm an emotional mess right now.

You will be a bigger emotional mess, IMO, if you cheat on your H. If there are problems in your marriage, rather try to sort them out - in counseling, if necessary.
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Happily married and considering an affair

They always will find out about an affair, no matter how much you try to hide it... You can't hide emotions forever.
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Happily married and considering an affair

How would your husband react to the news that your are having an affair? Is this a deal breaker?
Is it worth losing your husband and marriage over?

What is missing in your 'happy marriage' that leaves you wanting to have a relationship with someone else? What need will this new person fulfill for you?
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:25 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Before you have an affair, why not arrange for your husband to have some fun time. Find him a very nice woman who will be good to him in bed, who won't ask him any difficult demands and won't use him as a person to share all her complaints to. Just give him lots of positive attention and easy fun sex for him.

Once he's taken care of you can go do your deed knowing he's taken care of.

Though you might view infidelity and the pain that comes from being cheated on very differently by then.
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:28 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Happily married and considering an affair

Maybe suggest a open marriage to your husband, then he will be given the opportunity to fulfill his lust/curiosity if he wants to.
Yes it might destroy your marriage but a affair is most likely to destroy your marriage as well and at least this way you won't be a selfish, cake eating cheater (which is what you will be if you have a affair).
Or maybe take someone counseling you feel this way to help find out why feel this and avoid betraying someone you love.
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:40 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Something is wrong in your marriage....feelings/problems you haven't confronted, maybe your minimizing. How happy can you really be if you are feeling such strong urges to cheat? Maybe you are not cut out for monogamy?
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:45 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Happily married and considering an affair

I thought the OP is a young women without much life experience.

No, she isn't. She has been married for over twenty years.

How old are you? Late forties? Early fifties?

You love your husband! You can't imagine your world without him!

I hope that you don't let your curiosity burn yourselves.

If you do this, your husband will find out, and you will lose him, and you won't have a happy marriage and happy life anymore!

Are you bored? If you are bored, find something else to do instead of throwing yourselves in a fire.

Don't be confident that your husband won't find out. Don't be confident that bad consequence won't happen to you if you do silly things.

And you are not young anymore, you don't have much bargaining power. If you lose your happy marriage, your chance of finding another happy marriage is little.

Hope you be wise. Don't lose what is valuable to you. Sometimes a happy and peaceful life might be boring and not exciting, but comparing to drama and sadness, you would rather be peaceful and bored.
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Happily married and considering an affair

If your marriage is as good as you say, and you still want to pursue variety, you will SHARE this idea with your husband and work it out with him involved.

There are two options most people who pursue this follow if they value their relationship. a) swinging, and b) open marriage. (Of course, there is always the option of doing nothing, or spicing things up with your spouse.)

Of the two, the first is the "safer" option as you do it together, so no secrets, no fault. It's still risky, but you both take it together. Option b) can work, but has far more risks both individually and for you as a couple. You'd both have to agree on doing this, and set your ground rules. In your situation, I strongly recommend against it, since you are willing to break you current relationship rules.
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Mid life crisis.
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Old 08-19-2013, 09:38 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Happily married and considering an affair

Why do you think you love your husband? I was going to say you don't love him but its a strange world and people love each other or convince themselves they do for a whole lot of reasons.
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