draconis

While everyone is entitled to their opinions I really don't think you can help any at the rate you are going. From what little I have read it sounds like it could be depression, a deeper issue or the chemicals in her body still going crazy. Trying to figure out what is wrong is the key and as she said she has been going to the doctors to work on a solution.

I do agree that yes it can be and must be rough on her hubby, but relationships deal with more then just one person and while fault can be 90/10 or what ever still she is the one hoping to find a solution.

Being critical (even to the point of being blunt) is one thing as long as it is constructive.

draconis

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GAsoccerman

sounds like some sort of depression from the birth, you should really get checked out, but ahve a talk with the hubby about your problems and how you are feeling.

40lbs is a lot to gain, have you tried changing your eating habits and doing some sort of exercise?

I know it is tough with kids, but sometimes changing your diet and exercising helps reverse these conditions.

Best of luck

hazel22

thanks for constructive criticism not judgment, i have gone to the doctor a couple of times for blood work but everything is coming back good. The weight issue is just another issue i am working on one month i will lose 20 lbs and the next month i will gain 15, i eat healthy and am active i beleive the weight issue is due to stress from starting a business and running a household. i do talk to the hubby constantly about situations i am going through i just dont want to hurt him and make him feel as though i am not wanting him i love him dearly i just dont want to have sex. the only solution i a can come up with is time will heal and when business eases out a little

draconis

Have you tried non sexual touching and intimacy?

draconis

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carmaenforcer

Listen hazzel22 I wish I could remember where exactly I read it (somewhere in this forum) but there was a lady that posted how sad she was that her man told her he didn't love her anymore because of her having neglecting him for 16 years.
It's probably too late for her to reverse the damage done and now that she's done being selfish and uncaring she wishes she could go back in time, but no one can go back in time.

I would just hope that my harsh words, trying to champion your mans side, can help you to admit or at least that he is a victim and an unwilling participant in this mess (regardless of the cause) and might not appreciate it and someday grow to resent you or worse.

Hate me if you wish, but be honest with yourself if you really hope for mutual happiness in your relationship.

Like someone else said, "a relationship is about two people" and just because you are the one with the possible depression or whatever, the other half of your relationship is suffering too and by your hand. I know women would like it if sex wasn't that big of a deal, but it is a bigger deal than even we might want to admit.

SageMother

You know......

The repulsion may not be depression. It may be her body's way of protecting against another pregnancy.

Chopblock

What kind of communication is going on between you and your husband? I think that will provide a BIG clue about whether what you are dealing with is fixable. We don't know all the details, but we don't matter... HE does. If HE doesn't know whats going on, and you aren't communicating with him, then quite frankly, WHAT conclusion is he supposed to come to?

Blunt truth here: when a woman starves a man sexually, he WILL resent her. I don't understand why women think that making him go without sex is going to make him want it less.

Do not be surprised or insulted that he gets more and more insistent as time goes by -- in fact, you should consider it a GOOD sign. The time to be SCARED is when he just shuts down and stops asking. It means he has given up on you, and is either cheating, or getting ready to ditch you.

I am in a VERY similar situation except no kids. Its been 9 months (and even before that, sex was at BEST once a month). I am a GOOD partner. I tell her how much I care, bring in money, help with chores, listen to her, cook... Even her FRIENDS tell her she doesn't deserve me. We do love each other a lot.

But I have tried communicating until I'm blue in the face and she never wants to talk. Its always a "bad time" or "she doesn't want to talk about it". She isn't open to ideas or counseling or anything. Basically, I am in the dark, and will be until she decides to clue me in.

So really... what conclusion am I expected to come to besides "you don't want me sexually anymore".

Like you said, I know the love is there. But let me open you up to one of a guy's BIGGEST fears... becoming the "big brother" or "best friend". We are putting in all the energy effort and resources demanded for a relationship, and love is great don't get me wrong, but we want the sex too. The longer this goes on, the more likely a man is to say "if I want to love a woman I can't have sex with, I'll live with my mom."

I feel she is CHOOSING not to have sex with me, and CHOOSING not to tell me why. I feel powerless and helpless because she is holding all the cards, and my only choices are "deal with" or "leave". As we all know, a lot of anger comes from frustration and the feeling of helplessness. I don't want either of those options: I want us to FIX it and go back to how things were in the beginning.

So once again let me ask you. Does he KNOW WHY you find him repulsive? Do YOU know why? It is NOT fair to make him sit and wait. This is not what either of you signed up for, and you have the power to fix it. You just have to get over these barriers.

Otherwise, and I don't care if you don't like this... he's eventually going to cheat or leave. Nobody is getting younger, and life is too short to waste.

Chopblock

If you are still here, I'd REALLY love an answer to my "do you know WHY you find him repulsive?" question.

I get that the pressure turns you off. You don't feel like it, he wants it more, you feel even less like it, so on, so on.

If you know why he is repulsive, you need to think about what can be done to fix it. I'm sure he WANTS to fix it, but he doesn't know what you want. If you don't know what you want, how can he?

I really don't want you to end up like that other woman, doing damage for years and finally losing what you really care about because its too late.

hazel22

chopblock-
i have taken the last couple weeks to seriously take a step back and really look deep in every aspect of the situation. the conclusion, he has been pushing for another child and i am not ready. i addressed him with the situation stating that im just not ready and why not having a another child right at this moment is important. he then went off the deep end on me saying, well talking in the "irritated tone", that if we dont have another one now then we might as well just not have anymore because it'll be too late.... our daughter will be 2 in a month ....so on. i truly believe now that i have addressed the situation it has confirmed everything for me, as to why this repulsive matter is happening. as of now we still dont have sex i have gotten over the repulsive matter for the most part, now we just have difference of opinions. but the issue now is he isnt even trying to have sex like it was a switch and suddenly its off? i am just confused. i talked with him about the why sex was just not interesting to me (i also believe i have some post part. depression) and i thought everything was going great but wrong! i guess time will only tell

swedish

I would guess that after 9 months of knowing you did not want sex, and now knowing you think it's because you don't want another child right now and letting him know that sex was just not interesting to you, that he now gets the hint and has backed off. It's good you are being honest about your feelings and trying to resolve this issue, but at this point I would think you need to initiate sex to get it back on track. He might be feeling that any advances he tries to make are unwanted.

Chopblock

***"He might be feeling that any advances he tries to make are unwanted."

Yeah, I agree with this statement. It sounds like after actions and words demonstrating no desire for sex, he has finally "taken the hint" as it were and concluded "she doesn't want sex". For you to completely reverse course after all that conditioning just complicates matters further.

One thing you said that struck me as hopeful was this: "that im just not ready and why not having a another child right at this moment is important"

Personally, it sounds to me like you are not saying "no" you are just saying "not yet". If that is the case, instead of saying "not now" how about saying "in 2 years" or something a bit more reassuring. Of course you should only say this if you intend it to be true, but I think that stating you have a plan that is slightly different from his will carry much more opportunity for positive compromise than implying you are rejecting his idea outright.

As far as the on/off switch. A friend and I differ about whether or not men or women are more like dimmer switches. I always felt men were "always on to some degree" (like a dimmer) while women definitely have an "off" position. He thinks the reverse, but whatever -- both are probably true depending on the person.

Again, if his switch is in the off position, do acknowledge that you have had a part in getting it there. This isn't me blaming you, this is me giving you an opportunity for discussion. If you admit to him that you know you pushed him away, and that you see how things you did had the opposite effect that you wanted, he may be more willing to talk.

More simply put: men spend so much time being "wrong", that they greatly appreciate when a woman is able to admit her own mistakes. You do not want to make him feel like he is always wrong -- you want to make him feel like you made a mistake, and that you really value his opinion too.

Keep this in mind cuz a lot of people forget it: you know how firm you feel about NOT having a child right now? Well imagine he feels equally firm about having the child now. I'm amazed at how people tend to forget that their partners can feel just as strongly about the opposite side as the person feels about his/her own side.

As such, don't think in terms of "why his way is wrong" because he is also thinking that your way is wrong (maybe not in as negative a light, but you see what I'm getting at). Focus on working together.

stav

Tell him you love him and you want to be close to him, and the only reason you are pushing him away is because you are scared of having another child right now.. ask him to give you a little more time to get your body and feelings back to normal (is contraception an issue btw?) and then perhaps you could both discuss again if it's time to try for another child, if you BOTH want one.

His insistance on another baby if you don't want one, is also part of the problem. It's not ALL you.