Inconsiderate Husband
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Old 08-22-2013, 10:52 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Inconsiderate Husband

I feel like my husband is being inconsiderate at times, but when I finally said something, he turned it around on me. Example...last night we were at Target, had stopped there on the way home from dinner so that he could look for a game. We were heading to the checkout and I said "woah, I really have to go to the bathroom, I drank so much water!" I thought we would check out and be home in five minutes, we live three blocks from there, so why use their bathroom when I could use mine? We had trouble with the checkout because they wouldn't price match his game, and he was upset. So we get in the car finally and I'm bouncing a little, just really dying to pee. We literally live two minutes away. He's driving, since we're in his car. So, he takes out his phone and gets on twitter and proceeds to compose a tweet to Target about his experience. I'm dying...it takes him several minutes. Then he says "Ok, I feel better now that I got my angry tweet out." and he starts the car. I say "Great." He says "What's your problem?" I say "Well, I have to pee really bad and it's a little inconsiderate of you to sit here and make me wait, instead of tweeting when we got home." He got all defensive and says "It's inconsiderate that I can only do things when all of your conditions are met." We sat in silence for a minute as he was driving and I said "you know, I was sitting quietly and just letting you do your thing, even though I was in pain, but if you're going to call me out, then I'm going to speak up and tell you how I feel." He said "you weren't sitting quietly, you were making noise."
Really? Is it wrong of me to think he's kind of being a jerk? I really feel like he's blindly inconsiderate. And instead of working at it, he throws it back to me like I'm trying to be queen of the world and make him cater to my whims. It's so saddening, and depressing. He does things like this all the time. Tells me he'll pick me up from work for dinner last night and I wait outside for over 15 minutes in the heat because he said he was on his way, but really wasn't. Everything is on HIS time, HIS schedule, and when I speak up, I'M the jerk. What do I do? I'm always met with defensiveness when I bring anything up, he acts like a kid who refuses to admit anything.
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Old 08-22-2013, 01:53 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

I think in this case, you both kind of were in the wrong.

You made an assumption. You know what they say about those...

But you also told him clearly that you needed to use the facilities. He should have respected that and gotten you home.

Protip: I've found that whenever I'm annoyed with my husband, I say "I feel" before I tell him why I'm annoyed. The difference between "It's a little inconsiderate of you" and "I feel like it was a little inconsiderate" is HUGE. That statement goes from saying that he did something wrong to saying you perceive something as being wrong, and he won't get defensive. I found a big difference in the tone of our conversations when I started doing this.

You two need to have a serious conversation though about time management and perceptions. The "pick-up from work" scenario I can see both sides: to him, "on my way" means cleaning up and getting ready to leave, whereas to you that phrase means he's about to start driving. So to him he kept his word, to you he lied. That's the sort of stuff you need to bring up.
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Old 08-22-2013, 01:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

Yes, you erred by not speaking up. You patiently watched and waited, thus baiting the trap, and when he finished his tweet you sprang.

A better way to handle it would go like this. As soon as you leave target you remind him how badly you ave to go. Then all the way home you can defend you shy bladder.

You both set each other up, but it was your issue so it was your responsibility.
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Old 08-22-2013, 01:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

Why didn't you get out of the car and go to the bathroom? Or tell him to take you home "now"?

Plus, him needing to tweet on the spot? Is he 15?
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

I have to agree that you were both wrong in the situation you described. You should have said "Honey, I know I could have gone in the store but I really just want to go at home. I would really appreciate it if you can finish your tweet at home. Thanks"

When speaking to him, try to not put the blame on him. Like Daisy says, talk about in terms of YOU. As to the second example, it might be something like "I wish I had known when you were going to pick me up so I wouldn't have come out of the building so soon." Was the time made clear or did you just assume? Maybe more clear communication about expectations is needed. Then he doesn't have to be defensive. His failure speaks for itself.

You: What time will you be here to pick me up?
Him: I'm leaving now.
You: So you will be here by 6:15?
Him: Sure.

You (after he's late): Geez, it's hot out today, especially this time of day....
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

Seems like you like to suffer, so you can rub it in his face and make a point.
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:17 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

I agree that I often tend to "suffer in silence" because I know that if I speak up, he goes right on the defensive. This particular Target has the NASTIEST bathroom....you know how that can be.
Every time I speak up, it's a fire starter, he gets angry and defensive and even an innocent comment is taken personally. As for the picking me up from work, he works one mile from me, so I thought "leaving now" equaled the five minutes it took to drive down the road. Obviously he and I have two different takes on that. I was actually trying to wrap up a work project, and he was like "I'm leaving here now." I try to be as accommodating and thoughtful as possible, I didn't want him sitting out there waiting on me, so I ended up waiting on him.
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

You should learn to talk without blaming, as he obviously will NEVER accept the blame.

That said, you should also educate yourself on living with a passive aggressive person. You have a lot to learn if you're going to stay with him, especially about boundaries.
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:26 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

Again, though, we have a difference in perception for both of you:

If he's anything like my H, he said "I'm leaving now" as he was finishing up a video game or something else; he was leaving right then...as soon as he finished what he was doing. You took "I'm leaving now" as he was in the car, ignition on, and would be there in five.

Again, as silly as it sounds, it's important to explain to each other what you think. In that scenario, maybe try saying something like "I felt a little hurt that I was waiting so long on you after work. When you said I'm leaving now I thought you meant you would be here in five minutes. What do you think?"

My H has started pointing out when I am getting defensive or angry during a conversation; at first it annoyed me a little but I'm glad he does it. It keeps me from being unproductive and starting a fight. He's not rude about it, just "you're starting to raise your voice". But we talked about that beforehand and both agreed it would be okay.

How long would he have waited on you at work in the parking lot in the air-conditioned car? The three minutes it took you to shut down your computer and walk outside? There's being accomodating but that's going a little too far in my opinion. I wonder if maybe that's a little bit of avoidance on your part.
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

Start standing up for yourself, we teach others how to treat us. This doesn't mean be aggressive and pick fights. Don't willingly put yourself in a situation you would not put him through.
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:29 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

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Originally Posted by mablenc View Post
Why didn't you get out of the car and go to the bathroom? Or tell him to take you home "now"?

Plus, him needing to tweet on the spot? Is he 15?
You're right, he IS 15...he absolutely acts like a child, and I'm the idiot for tolerating it, but if I ever speak up for myself i'm automatically the B****. It's a catch 22...I love him but he kinda makes me miserable often. It's like no matter what you do, there's eggshells and thin ice. I don't like to suffer and I don't like to blame, I'm just not very good at dealing with him.
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:41 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

That whole 'suffering in silence' thing is a killer. If you needed the bathroom before you even checked out, and there were bathrooms perhaps 300 feet away that you bypassed in order to goose-step to the car, dying to pee, then that's all on you. Your husband probably assumed it wasn't that desperate if you didn't go in the store - unless you specifically mentioned 'I want to go home and pee' or have a history of never using public bathrooms. I personally think the Target ones are cleaner than mine at home lol.

His reaction was uncalled for also, because needing to pee isn't some kind of thing that only happens to high-maintenance princesses, it's a basic need.

And I hate waiting outside for my husband to pick me up, because delays happen, 'I'll be there in 5 minutes' takes 10-15, etc. So I wait in a nearby cafe (thankfully there's one inside where I work) with a drink and have him park up and come to me when he arrives. You can always control how you act or react, instead of suffering in silence.
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:45 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by hopelessromantic1 View Post
You're right, he IS 15...he absolutely acts like a child, and I'm the idiot for tolerating it, but if I ever speak up for myself i'm automatically the B****.
So?

You'll choose your path based on whether he criticizes you or not? That's a slippery slope to madness.
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:51 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

You both have culpability here.

Your husband is acting like a selfish teenager, and I would bet that this is in everything he does. How old is he? I'm guessing under 30. PS this means you're going to have to wait for him to GROW UP and be a man.

You on the other hand can't assume he can read your mind, or that he's going to be considerate of you and your situations and jump to a conclusion you're HOPING for but not asking for.

You need to state what you want the moment you want it. Remove the sensor and be blunt.

When you felt you needed to pee. Say "Honey I really need to pee and I hate these bathrooms, after we get your game, can we hurry up to get home please." Not mean, nasty, and you're being considerate of his situation. And if he's a jerk after..that's ALL him then.

PS thank you for reminding me how much I LOVE my wife's lack of internal monitor and her bluntness and total lack of tact. It makes life SO much easier when I don't have to GUESS!
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:54 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Inconsiderate Husband

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Originally Posted by Jane_Doe View Post
That whole 'suffering in silence' thing is a killer. If you needed the bathroom before you even checked out, and there were bathrooms perhaps 300 feet away that you bypassed in order to goose-step to the car, dying to pee, then that's all on you. Your husband probably assumed it wasn't that desperate if you didn't go in the store - unless you specifically mentioned 'I want to go home and pee' or have a history of never using public bathrooms. I personally think the Target ones are cleaner than mine at home lol.

His reaction was uncalled for also, because needing to pee isn't some kind of thing that only happens to high-maintenance princesses, it's a basic need.

And I hate waiting outside for my husband to pick me up, because delays happen, 'I'll be there in 5 minutes' takes 10-15, etc. So I wait in a nearby cafe (thankfully there's one inside where I work) with a drink and have him park up and come to me when he arrives. You can always control how you act or react, instead of suffering in silence.
I told him I needed to hurry home because that bathroom is always nasty. He's OCD and understands that. The part I have a hard time with is sitting next to your spouse and knowing they're miserable, yet your angry tweet comes first. But I can't seem to communicate to him how that's upsetting and that my feeling that way isn't wrong.
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