My husband (I will call him John) and I have been married for almost 3 years. I am 23 and he is 25. We dated for 2 years before getting married and were good friends in high school. I met him with my best friend (I will call her Jane) at the time when I was about 16. Jane and John dated for about 3 months. Jane is the type of person who is sarcastic, tactless, and can be very stand offish. She broke his heart. He used to do the sweetest things for her and she never appreciated it. Anyways, Jane got in to drugs when she was about 18 and both John and I stopped talking to her completely. My mom died right around the same time and John was really there for me, he was a great friend. John and I started dating eventually and moved about 3 hours away from our hometown (including Jane) and we were very very happy. He had been through a lot of unloving relationships and we had something he never had. We ended up getting married and the first year was amazing. I still to this day cope with losing my mom, we were very close, and I am in and out of depression... I don't know how much that has to do with our problems but I just wanted to add it... Our marriage started going down hill a little bit. We were both working a lot and going to school full-time. I deal with stress very badly and I was a lot more grumpy. The sex started to become less and less existent. We would go through periods when things felt really good between us but it was like a roller coaster. I always feel like it is my fault. Anyway, we ended up moving back to our home town about 1 year ago. Ever since we have been back Jane has been hanging out with us. I felt uneasy about it from the start, and let John know it. I used to look up to her sarcasm and tactless wit but now I am annoyed and offended by some of the things she says. Here's were it gets really screwed up though... I am bi-sexual but had never really had much experience with women. My husband and I ended up having a foursome on New Years which included Jane and a very good male friend of mine... Before moving back to our hometown John had said he still loved Jane. Although after we had our foursome he said he only wanted friendship from her as the whole experience was too weird for him. (I think I was more in to it then he was). Now ever since then I can't separate Jane and John. I told him it makes me uncomfortable. They talk all the time. She started doing Speed again and he 'helped' her to stop. Now she drinks all the time and wants us to go to bars with her. When ever we walk in the room Jane jumps in John's arms (she's usually trashed) like she hasn't seen him in years and gives me a short hug... Things are very uncomfortable between Jane and me and I end up drinking to feel better. Which usually ends up me being totally wasted.John knows how I feel about her and that she makes me uneasy. She is really hard to get a long with and I can't for the life of me see why he puts up with how she behaves. Last week John and I got in an argument about me drinking so much and he doesn't like how I treat him when I am drunk. He ended up sleeping on the couch that night. It's not like I haven't talked to him about how I feel. We tell eachother almost everything. I sent him a long email explaining things again. His response is that he doesn't think it is Jane's fault that things are so uncomfortable. He says I give her dirty looks. My response is that she shouldn't expect me to be nice to her if everything out of her mouth sounds like a put down and I don't think its funny. I ended up saying I don't want to be around her anymore. Ever since I said that he has been seeing her and talking to her even more. Despite how rocky she is making our relationship. I want to be the most important thing in his life again but I don't know how. I tried something different today... I am going to try to remove alcohol from the equation... I invited her over for a movie. Maybe if we try to just hang out in a healthier environment it will help? I don't know what else to do! I don't want him to have to choose between us because I can see how important her friendship is to him... But I also don't want it to destroy our marriage... HELP?!
Once you open up a can of worms it is hard to close it. With you Jane (dana) is that can. You involved him with your ex and included a sexual situation to boot then when you are uncomfortable about it want to cut it. He doesn't seem to see the same issue.
Either something has to difine the boundries of the relationship, you have to move or things will get worse because he accepted her again and you did at first now you two have different opinions.
first things first, you have know and confront your husband about who he truly loves and wants to be with. because it sounds like you are confused on how he feels. you not only have to confront him but you should confront jane and ask her if there are maybe any feelings toward your husband because if she is a true friend to you she wouldnt be clinging to your husband instead of you and then you should tell her how you feel about her talking and giving your husband long hugs. the certainly in the midst of all of this you should really consider how you feel about the situation.. are you having trust issues with your spouse, how you both can work to make a healthy relationship again (what he can do/ what you can do) and what each of you are going through ( he may be dealing with something and you might be going through depression and not able to recognize what is actually going on)
Thank you. I know the things you all are saying are true. My husband says similar things but just coming from him it seems like he is just blaming me all of the time. Although of course I have changed. When we were best friends I was 16! I thought the way she treated others was funny... now I just feel like it is rude. I am trying and I am going to continue to try to remember what I used to love about her (outside of anything sexual!). I do trust my husband. I know that he would never cheat on me but what I was afraid and jealous of was that emotional bond... I am not used to sharing that part of him with anyone else. All of a sudden she is back after 5 years and I have to share him...
I think the difference is you have grown up and matured and she never did.
It is hard when someone gives themselves emotionally to someone else. I recently had to explain this to someone else that any emotional connection, flirting ect that they get out of their system or spend outside of their relationship takes away from that relationship.
Dr A, I agree. I have said something similar to that to my husband. But what can I do to stop him? He has to want to stop... and I guess if the marriage isn't enough reason then what is??
Soccer Man... Yes, of course I interacted. I am bisexual. I already said I hadn't had much experience with women and that is why we did it. I am not on here to be told how dangerous my relationship is to being over. I know it is on the rocks. I already stated we were not doing so well. I am here for hope and advise. Please try to have a little more tact...
wickedlittletown ~ I don't think GAsoccerman meant harm in wha he said. SOmetimes advice on these forums are blunt and often what people don't want to hear. More tact could have gotten his point across better.
As a matter of you being bi I would think there are plenty of fish in the sea that are less dangerous for you to seek out.
Between you and the hubby plus the spare wheel I'd say this. You and your husband need to communicate in a way he is really going to listen to you. It seems he loves you but he is having so much fun all around that he wants his cake, is eating it and doesn't see or does want to see the dangers.
Sit him down in a private sesion with no distractions. With him sitting you should stand and hold his hands. This is a power move that will focus his attention on you and what you are saying. Tell him that you feel she is hurting your relationship and why. That you see your marriage as being in trouble but still very savable and that for the health of the marriage you need to pull away from this woman that never grew up.
You too need to start making a distance from her.
I wish you the best of luck, most men are just dense and the fact he gets so much out of this three way he might find it hard to let go because he is losing out on a freebie.
I have done something similar. I feel we have talked about this to the ends of the earth... I asked him the other day if I asked him to stop talking to her if he would. We were alone and I was crying on his shoulder about it. He said he would but it would make him really sad. It seems more than just his cake to me. He is not like that... I just feel like I would be taking someone he cares about away from him and that he will end up resenting me... I invited Jane over last night for a movie. She was unable to but seemed happy and surprised by my change toward her... Is me trying to save our friendship a bad idea? Maybe if I can be close to her again I can trust her around my husband...
I really don't think you getting closer to her will help. I have heard the old saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer. However, being to close often is the problem not the solution. If you read through most of the forum and see how people let their best friends get close to their SO and family only to be betrayed by them. I see it all the time on forums.
I think a bigger question is what is the exact worry you have with her? Are you afraid of your husband sleeping with her, leaving you for her, etc?
No, I have said that I trust him when it comes to being loyal. I just am afraid of the closeness they have. I see our relationship laking in areas and I am afraid he is using this friendship to fill in the blanks... I have said this to him to... I said I was afraid that if our relationship doesn't get better and he only gets closer with her that he might eventually discover he doesn't want to be with me anymore... It makes me angry at him because he should see how much this hurts me but is so resistant to admit he is doing anything wrong!!! AH! The whole friendship idea was his... I asked him, if you were me, and felt the way I feel, what would you do? He said I have made him feel this way too. I also have a best friend from high school, who is a male, obviously gay (he will not openly discuss it, he has issues with accepting his sexuality), and has never been interested in me that way, and visa versa. We have been very close since the beginning of my husband and my relationship. We hug, kiss on the cheek etc. My husband openly said he felt jealous of our friendship and I told him there was nothing sexual in what was going on. He and I had always been that way. Well he says how he dealt with it was he became (I'll call him Jack) Jack's friend too over time. He said it was hard for him at first but he just MADE it happen. I saw the similarities and decided I would give him the benefit of the doubt and at least try it his way...
Wiccked, sorrry I offended, but when it comes to foursomes, there is not always interaction betweent he ladies or the men, so I was just trying to clarify the "relationship" of all involved.
Well as Drac said, you need to sit down, BUt I would go a step further and have all three of you sit down, set ground rules, tell them how you feel and what makes you uncomfortable, what is acceptable, what is not.
Sometimes when people have an "open" relationship there are issues due to failure to set Rules and boundries.
Is it ok for them to sleep together when you are not around? Do you have to be involved? Can you and jane sleep together without ur hubby around? all needs to be settled.
I only wish you the best and hope all three of you can settle this.
But more communication is needed and again I apologize if I offended you earlier. I ahve some good friends in "open marriages" some work well some did not, the ones that do, fully trust each other and communicate very well and have ground rules. Ones that failed....well usually the "third" person got two close with one of the couple, lead to jealousy and mistrust.
Thank you for the apology... I don't know what to do. Last night I invited Jane over and I ended up in tears and had to end everyone's night. She is just so rude. I think John saw finally that how she treats me is wrong and that our personalities clash. He thanked me for the effort and I asked him what now? He doesn't know. I am going to set up counseling for us on Monday. I think that is the last thing we can do. Maybe if he hears from a professional that his relationship with her is wrong he will finally put an end to it.