If You Were Accused of Infidelity
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Old 04-16-2008, 09:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default If You Were Accused of Infidelity

Ladies - If you were accused of infidelity how would you react. I am trying to understand my W's reaction and maybe you have some insights.

A year ago, I was alone for the weekend while she was in Chicago with the kids (teenagers). No problem there but for whatever reason, I started thinking about the last 10 years of a virtually sexless M.

There had been some warning signs over that period that I just didn't read very well and was in denial about. A lingering touch by an employee at a company party. She's the boss and the in-charge, no nonsense type.

Another thing, the maid washed some men's underwear she found somewhere in the house and put it in my dresser. My W said that was from Boy Scouts trip my son had. I had strong gut reactions that things just weren't right. But when I asked (mildly) about them, she just explained it away quickly like we don't need to spend much time talking about something so ridiculous.

For whatever reason, I'm thinking about all these questions I have had over the last 10 years, and it all starts to fall into place. It seems clear to me that she was having an A. She didn't want to touch me, or kiss me or hug me or really have anything to do with me.

The sudden realization of this situation really upset me. When she returned home, I confronted her with my questions. I made the mistake of letting my painful emotions get the better of me and openly wept as I tried to get through the process of talking to her about it.

Now this is my question: Please help me interpret her reaction. She did not come over and try to reassure me or hold me or act in any way warmly to me. She was angry and acted outraged. She said that we were living a lie because I had these suspicions for all those years and didn't tell her.

She stayed about six feet from me in a chair while I was on the couch. Her body was pointed away from me. She didn't face me directly with her face or eyes. She spoke more slowly than usual.

If you were innocent of infidelity, would you react this way. Maybe such an accusation is an outrage and that is a normal reaction. BUT if it were me, and I saw that she was really upset, I would want to hold her and reassure, even if I was annoyed that she didn't trust me.

So was she probably innocent, probably guilty or can you say?
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Old 04-16-2008, 10:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

Should I post this somewhere else on the forum?
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Old 04-16-2008, 10:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

Everyone reacts differently to being accused of something. Sexless marriages normally have less to do with cheating then emotional issues not being met.

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Old 04-16-2008, 11:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

so coming from a sexless marriage, I can honestly agree with the above. I would never cheat on my husband, i believe i have a lot of built up frustration with him and noticing i am getting bitter towards him. A lot of this is due to him being lazy or too occupied for the family or making rude remarks randomly and after dealing with this for awhile i can honestly say if he were to be crying and accusing me of cheating i would probably punch him. now that being said do you help her and keep up with her daily life, maybe call just say you love her? the little things count for more and if you have not been doing this especially over and long period of time i am sure it could cause bitterness towards you. If you have been doing this maybe you should set up and time and place to meet or maybe even meet with a counselor to get everything out in the open.
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Old 04-17-2008, 03:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

you said she is the boss and a no sense type, very rigid and demanding, is this her personality sort of speak, a dominant, take charge type of person?

I think you both have alot to discuss
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Old 04-17-2008, 07:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

You need to talk.. Properly.

You say there are signs.. Does she hide her cellphone? Has she recently changed hairstyles and got new perfume, and more expensive sexier lingerie? Is she late home after telling you a certain time, on a regular basis?

It might just be paranoia on your part, due in part to the lack of intimacy and you might have seriously hurt her with your emotional accusations. I think you need to find out if there are other reasons for your wife's lack of interest in sex with you.
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Old 04-17-2008, 10:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

This kinda falls into that catagory, "If she isn't doing it with me then she must be doing it with some one else" why do people think that way? I agree with Draconis on this. chances are there is an emotionoal need that you are not full filling for her just like there is a sexual filling she is not full filling for you. You two need to sit down and talk and also lislten to each other. To accuse her of something like that with no proof at all is realy damagening. Would have been so much better to simply have asked. Honey I would love for our quite time to get better with each other. What can I do to make you feel more relaxed and wanting.
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Old 04-17-2008, 02:24 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

I think your post may be, naturally biased towards yourself. I think when we are explaining an issue with a spouse we just naturally leave out our own faults. I agree with the posts above. I am sure that over the 10 years you have both made mistakes in your relationship to bring it to where it is now. She may be frustrated with you and you need to start making some changes, as well as her... I can agree that her reaction was very hurtful to you. Although you have to try to see it from her perspective. She could have reacted the same if she was 'guilty' or 'not guilty'. Defensive. Everyone is defensive when they are accused of something like this. You should try approaching her without pointing a finger. Just tell her exactly how you are feeling. It is okay to cry. That is not a mistake. It just shows how much you love her. Hopefully she can see that. Maybe mention to her that you are only this upset because of how much you love her... Good luck.
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Old 04-18-2008, 06:18 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

Start by apologising that you maybe over reacted, and then use the opportunity to explain why you thought that way, let her know how unhappy you are about the lack of intimacy in your lives, and that it hurts you very much as you love her very much.

Tell her that you really want to know how she feels, and that she should know she can trust you to be understanding... Ask her if there is anything troubling her that you are not aware of, and that whatever it is, you want to help.
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Old 04-18-2008, 09:32 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

My husband recently accused me of this very thing and his whole idea in his head was "she's not getting it from me, she's got to be getting it from somewhere else".

It hurt. I chose not to address it. It was untrue and I didn't think it deserved a comment or a rebuttle. I have never given him any reason to mistrust me nor have the thought of cheating on him ever crossed my mind. I love him! We do have some issues we are working on, but I still have never thought of being with anyone else.

Some people really lash out when they are hurt and caught off guard, as it sounds like she was. I really didn't want hold my husband or be near him at that moment. He hurt me and the distrust did infuriate me.....but I chose not to respond at all.
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Old 04-18-2008, 12:56 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

Everybody reacts in different ways. I don't know if I would react the same way, simply because I would be the one probably trying to talk and understand and facing things if I was just being accused. But other people just avoid it. Maybe she was very uncomfortable facing that situation. But I understand your concerns and doubts.
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Old 04-18-2008, 01:20 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

I don't think you can jump to any conclusions based on her reaction. I would talk to her about your marriage in general over the last 10 years. In my first marriage, I had a very demanding career (professional/upper management) and 3 young children & began to feel resentment towards my husband because I felt unloved and unappreciated. Not to say you fall into the same category, but I never had an affair although our sex life dwindled to almost non-existent because as my resentment towards him grew, I had no desire to be with him. By the time we divorced, I felt completely unloved, used and emotionally detached from him. I would recommend having a good heart-to-heart talk with her to see if you can rekindle the spark between you....putting her on the defensive will only make her shut down even more and will not help you with this issue in the long run.
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Old 04-19-2008, 02:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

Quote:
Originally Posted by hazel22 View Post
so coming from a sexless marriage, I can honestly agree with the above. I would never cheat on my husband,
If I may ask, why not? Being in a sexless marriage myself, I am slowly dying inside one day at a time. My wife must be completely heartless or unbelievably blind not to notice ..
We have talked about it many times, any further talk it has become pointless.

So why shouldn't I have an affair??
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Old 04-20-2008, 01:30 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

Hey I was listening to a radio yesterday ont he way home from work, This author had some good advice.

They said, basically to just do it! So take a look, not sure if it will work for you or not, but could not hurt, she has several books, I am just going to link her books from amazon.

But I think these books may be helpful to some of you on here.

Amazon.com: Michele Weiner Davis: Books
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Old 04-20-2008, 05:59 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Were Accused of Infidelity

So why shouldn't I have an affair?? dude are you for real man if you do that there is no coming back from that one it will destroy everything think about the reprecussions of what an hour of sex could do to your life and those around you. The whole trust thing goes right out the window man you better think about it before you act try talking to her a different way or something i have seen first hand the destruction it will cause man it is not good at all
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