Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(
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Old 02-25-2010, 03:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

It's our 4 year anniversary today. Tonight as we were falling asleep, I said, Happy Anniversary, since it was passed 12am. He said it lovingly back and then I said, "wow, 4 years and no kids." I seriously didn't even think it, it just came out. Then I realized, I'm still angry inside that he had a vasectomy just before I moved in with him 7 years ago. Long story short, he had a vasectomy as a "surprise" after we had had a long conversation that we both were pretty sure we didn't want to have kids. However, I think he might have dozed off during the part of that conversation that I had said, "but let's not do anything drastic until we are both 100% sure." I guess I've always had it in the back of my head that we could at least have a reversal and that is why I agreed to go through with the marriage. But now he just won't agree to it =(. I feel totally screwed. I just turned 38. I don't think there's time if I decided to leave him to find someone else. It would take me too long to just to get over leaving my husband that i love and want to be with.

I'm just scared that I'm going to live with regret for the rest of my life not having any children. I'm so hurt and confused and scared and sad and frustrated and hopeless all at the same time. I also don't have anyone to talk about it at 3:30am in the morning so I stumbled across this forum and hopefully at least venting will help a little.

I just don't know what to do. Maybe I need to see a therapist to learn to cope with this resentment and regret I may have to live with for the rest of my life. Ugh. This is painful. These are the reasons people turn to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. I don't want to do that =(
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Old 02-25-2010, 08:56 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

Good for you, choosing healthier outlets.

I'd talk to a therapist about having kids. Fear that you will regret it if don't, or "the desire to experience pregnancy" are terrible reasons to have kids! Unless you have a terrific, overwhelming desire to have a child, you are making the right decision not to have them. If you feel the need to parent a child, you can adopt at almost any age. So keep in mind that the fear and desires to experience pg are all about you, while the desire to parent--while it is also about you--is less selfish b/c a child will benefit if you adopt b/c you want the experience of parenting.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to experience pregnancy or other selfish desires--but if you are not overwhelmed by the need to love and parent a child, it's better not to bring a child into this world.

Having said all that, it is very clear--from his actions, that your husband does not want to parent a child--at least not at this point in his life. He may decide he wants to parent at a later point, but a biological connection to a child does not seem important to him. Once you are clear in your head about what YOU want, you can decide if you need to move on or wish to stay with him.

Don't be angry with him for making decisions for himself, if you can help it. He has that right. If his decision means losing you, then he has to live with the consequences of that decision. You might be really sad to realize you two no longer want the same things--if you decide you want to parent--and that IS sad--but sometimes that happens. Maybe if you can look at it this way, you will find some peace.

I have kids through birth and adoption. I will confirm what others tell you: There is NO difference. In fact, I have noticed that parents who give birth are much more likely to have expectations for what the child "should" be and be like-and they do damage trying to force the kids in these directions. Parents of adopted children are more likely to sit back and enjoy watching who their child becomes, not trying to live vicariously through their kids. Obviously, lots of bio parents figure that out and do fine, but you almost never see an adoptive parent making assumptions about what their child's talents, etc. "should" be.

Good luck with this struggle. I'm just giving you my "read" on things, of course! God bless.
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Old 03-20-2010, 09:28 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

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Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(
What happened to "my body, my choice"? I guess that only applies when the person is a female. Also I wonder what your solution would have been if your husband hadn't had a vasectomy? Would have you just turned to reproductive fraud to force him into fatherhood instead? At least he was honest with you. Stop trying to control what he does with his body.
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Old 04-21-2011, 11:35 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

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It's our 4 year anniversary today. Tonight as we were falling asleep, I said, Happy Anniversary, since it was passed 12am. He said it lovingly back and then I said, "wow, 4 years and no kids." I seriously didn't even think it, it just came out. Then I realized, I'm still angry inside that he had a vasectomy just before I moved in with him 7 years ago. Long story short, he had a vasectomy as a "surprise" after we had had a long conversation that we both were pretty sure we didn't want to have kids. However, I think he might have dozed off during the part of that conversation that I had said, "but let's not do anything drastic until we are both 100% sure." I guess I've always had it in the back of my head that we could at least have a reversal and that is why I agreed to go through with the marriage. But now he just won't agree to it =(. I feel totally screwed. I just turned 38. I don't think there's time if I decided to leave him to find someone else. It would take me too long to just to get over leaving my husband that i love and want to be with.

I'm just scared that I'm going to live with regret for the rest of my life not having any children. I'm so hurt and confused and scared and sad and frustrated and hopeless all at the same time. I also don't have anyone to talk about it at 3:30am in the morning so I stumbled across this forum and hopefully at least venting will help a little.

I just don't know what to do. Maybe I need to see a therapist to learn to cope with this resentment and regret I may have to live with for the rest of my life. Ugh. This is painful. These are the reasons people turn to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. I don't want to do that =(

Dear sobelle,

I am sorry about your situation, but I am also sorry to say neither therapist no anybody else will help you to stop resenting your husband for not wanting having children with you. IT IS NORMAL TO HAVE CHILDREN IN MARRIAGE. It is also nature's call, and it is very difficult to argue with the nature. Your other option is to adopt or use a donor sperm, for this purpose see the therapist together with your husband, but also set a time frame when you plan to start a family and let your second half to know about this. Good Luck!!!
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Old 04-21-2011, 12:03 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

Aw sweetie its not too late to have a family if that's really what you want to do. Don't settle or give up on your dreams. Children are such a blessing. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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Old 04-21-2011, 12:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

Well, the FIRST thing you have to do is be honest with him.
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Old 04-21-2011, 12:21 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

My two cents worth.

I love my children, I really do - and what I'm about to say doesn't change that at all - so no one fire any bullets at me.

IF I had the chance to go back and make the decision again to have children - I would have chosen not to. Just me, but looking back from what I know now - I should have made the decision to remain childless.

That being said.

You both talked about it, he heard you say you didn't think you wanted children and he then made a decision (BEFORE MARRIAGE) to take care of the issue. By your own admission he didn't know that you wanted to wait in case you changed your mind. Plus - before you got married, it wasn't his obligation to consider your wishes (IMO).

So - if he doesn't want to get a reversal, then you have two choices.

- Leave and find someone else to have children with. Sure it will be hard, but you have to decide what's more important - him or your desire to give birth?

- Stay, harbor the resentment each and every time you see a baby or something reminds you (such as what he said that night) that you won't ever be having one (in this marriage), the resentment will continue to build and fester.

Neither a good choice, according to you.

So only YOU can decide which is more important - him, the marriage or children.

If you decide to stay, then you need to put it past you, get over it and strengthen your resolve that it is a dead issue.

If not, then you need to leave.
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Old 04-21-2011, 01:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

It CAN BE reversed. Surgically.
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Old 04-21-2011, 01:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

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Originally Posted by Runs like Dog View Post
It CAN BE reversed. Surgically.
It CAN BE....but I'm pretty sure he has to be on board for that.

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I guess I've always had it in the back of my head that we could at least have a reversal and that is why I agreed to go through with the marriage. But now he just won't agree to it =(.
It sounds like he's made his choice and now she has to make hers. Unfortunately, it's not an issue for compromise.
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Old 04-21-2011, 01:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

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It CAN BE reversed. Surgically.
Based on how the procedure was done, most cannot be reversed or have a poor chance of being successful. They made that very clear to me when I had mine done 10+ years ago.
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Old 04-21-2011, 02:22 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

They can be reversed.

Age, length of time since the surgery, etc., are all factors in reversal.

But many man have had it reversed and gone on to have children.

But HE definitely has to agree.

Prior to them getting married, the only person involved would have been him. Since marriage, they will probably involve her too.

But she said he's made it clear he doesn't want a reversal.

So she has a hard choice to make - forego children or forego this particular husband.
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Old 04-21-2011, 02:33 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

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My two cents worth.

I love my children, I really do - and what I'm about to say doesn't change that at all - so no one fire any bullets at me.

IF I had the chance to go back and make the decision again to have children - I would have chosen not to. Just me, but looking back from what I know now - I should have made the decision to remain childless.
I feel this way too sometimes and my reasons are because of my depression, my history of being abused, etc.

Why do you wish you hadn't had kids?
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Old 04-21-2011, 02:54 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

I think you feel cheated because he took one conversation and either acted on it, or didn't even really consider hearing your opinion. He clearly does not want kids--you expressed a leaning in that direction, one time.

Honestly, though, this is not about him--it is about you. You hoped he would want to change if you changed your mind, so you married him *knowing* that you were not sure while he seemed to be (a vasectomy is a pretty clear sign).

You can blame him all you want, but the reality is, you want to eat your cake and have it, too.

If you aren't willing to give up your marriage for kids, then you don't want kids badly enough. Seriously. For most of us, this would be a no brainer. Kids mean incredible sacrifice--like the decision you have to make. If you aren't ready to make it, then the answer is in that--and please, remember, this is OK. People act like childless couples are "selfish," but (as the mother of 2 by birth and one by adoption), I think nothing is more selfish than having kids--we have them for US, they don't ask to be born!

If your only reason for waffling is that you "fear regrets," please also know that is NOT a good reason to have kids. But, if you crave a child to love, then don't let anything stand in your way b/c you will regret NOT pursuing that love.

And adoption is an amazing way to build a family at almost any age under 60 (and even over that, if you are willing to foster an older child). It is almost never too late to add kids to your life.

Good luck, whatever you choose.
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Old 04-21-2011, 06:58 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

First of all, most vasectomy reversals are not successful. Vasectomy is considered permanent birth control. I'm sure you realized this, so why would you act like you didn't know he didn't want kids? Don't punish your husband for not being wishy washy.
Most people have kids for selfish reasons. I'm not going to criticize your reasons, but bear in mind that you may not enjoy that pregnancy you want to experience so badly. You may regret having kids, once you've been through the torture of birth or are delirious with sleep deprivation.
If you wanted children, you should not have married a man who got snipped. That makes absolutely no sense! It's like saying you want to marry a redhead, marrying a brunette and then getting angry when the brunette doesn't want to die their hair!
I feel sad when I read the mothers confessing about not wanting kids, after being a parent. I'm glad that I pondered motherhood endlessly, before I decided not to. People who want to become parents, should do what I did: work as a nanny to a banshee baby and also for rude, defiant kids. I bet a million that these experiences would give anyone pause.
You may need to leave your husband, if you are aching to be a mother.
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Old 04-21-2011, 07:28 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Resent my husband for having a vasectomy =(

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What happened to "my body, my choice"? I guess that only applies when the person is a female. Also I wonder what your solution would have been if your husband hadn't had a vasectomy? Would have you just turned to reproductive fraud to force him into fatherhood instead? At least he was honest with you. Stop trying to control what he does with his body.
Wow, that was very harsh. He surprised her with a vasectomy, I think that is very wrong.

I don't believe if you love some one that you do anything drastic without consenting the other and talking it out fully.

I can fully understand why you would feel that way OP. But it's not too late for you, and you do really need to think about it and quickly, you don't want to harbour resentment and bitterness about this, and he doesn't even know why.
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