shazil

i have been married for last 4 years and i am 32.it was arranged marriage. i was in lot of stress and lonely when i got married. at that time i never thought love so important. i really did not know. i thought i will go through it . every day i missed that love and passion. God knows how much i tried not to hurt my wife. i did my best but still she complaint all the time that i dont love her and give her time. i killed my heart to be with her . the i had children . i just could not assimilate the thought of being away from my children. i struggled and struggled every day. just to keep my family intact. i felt guilt of marrying my wife , so i always told her that i love her when she asked but deep in my heart she knew that i do not. i thought about telling her the truth but i felt that it will break the marriage . i hate my heart. you know i tried so much . took professional counseling to get through this misery. as time passes i feel that my depression will destroy me. i am scared my children( one is 4 years and other 2 months) will soon sense my depression. they will hate me for not loving there mother. how can a person who has never loved that person for a single day?

i fel pity for my wife and hold myself guilty that why did i marry a girl out of my loneliness . sometimes i feel that i should repent by barring on. my guilt is killing me. i have been asking myself the same question since one year that should i choose myself or my children and never could decide.

i crave for love. i cry every day. i have never had fight with my wife. i never want to hurt anyone . i always concede to her opinion and wish as i feel that i am responsible for her situation.

i just can not tame my heart.
i have a successful business but i am loosing the courage and will to work.
i feel that my children will never forgive me once they grow up even if i stay in marriage just for them.

i am so depressed. i am gloomy all the time.
i try many things like movies and hang out with friends and alcohol to kill time.
by killing time i am just killing myself. i cry every day alone.
the worst thing is that when she asks me that i love her i say i do . that kills me inside . my sadness is taking its toll on my health.
my children are my responsability . how can i be so selfish?i am so confused. its been 4 years and i am still struggling. i now feel i am loosing the battle. my heart sinks all the time. anything romantic brings tear to my eyes. i feel suffocated all the time.i drink every night .
i have tried so much to go along my life an accept it as my fate but i can not find contentment.
i know passion dies away with time. but i never had one moment of love or passion. i feel so unlucky.

lovinghimforever

Love is a decision not an emotion. You can chose to be happy and love your wife. You just have to learn how. I suggest going back to counseling for that, if that's what you really want.

I believe that there is something deeper that is causing your depression. You're feeling sorry for yourself and blaming it on your wife. She is not the problem, you are. You say you want passion and love. Well who is in control of that? YOU are. Who is in control of your emotions? YOU are. Who is in control of your drinking? YOU are.

If you stopped seeking professional help, I think you should really go back.

Best of luck.

shazil

that is a million dollar question. Are we in control of our feelings?
Can we choose to love?

lovinghimforever

If you're not in control of your feelings, then who is?

And if you mean love by the kind of love with butterflies in your stomach, floating on cloud 9, then you're in for a rude awakening. The reality of it is, that those feelings are only temporary. After all that mushy stuff goes away at the beginning of a relationship, then you CHOOSE to love that person. In order to receive love, we have to give love. Stop being so selfish.

You can either choose to love your wife despite everything and have a family. Or you can choose to leave her, look for those sparks in another woman and then leave her when those sparks fade and so on.

SimplyAmorous

I agree you can work on CHOOSING to love her. What exactly is so UNLOVING about her? Are you completely NOT attracted to her, is she annoying, do you have ANY of the same interests? Do you try to commnicate with her at all about what you want from this marraige -what she can do, IF ANYTHING , to help you see that She can be a suitable wife & lover for you?

Is she in love with you, or maybe she is just play acting also to make the situation bearable?

I know nothing about Arranged Marraiges but I am sure this has got to be a common problem, beings you do not have a say so in who you will marry. Just know that even people who are in the heights of love & passion, butterflies, the whole bit, who
freely choose their spouse in marraige, even after a few years, what you are describing can happen to them also! You see it all over these boards.

Do you WANT to LOVE HER ? or do you want OUT ?

And if you want OUT , is their another woman? Is Divorce even an option? I assume you are not from the USA, but maybe a country who really terribly looks down on Divorce, maybe your religion forbids it ?

shazil

1.i am completely not attracted to her and never was.
2.she is very annoying but i feel she wants my attention all the time. i think she feels that i don't love her. she tries to entice me but i never get exasperated and mostly concede.
3.i don't think she loves me but she is putting up for children.
4. i cant even imagine loving her. have tried a lot.
5.there is no other woman and never was during the marriage.
6.divorce is an option as i am Muslim. but yes my country really looks down on divorce.but my religion doesn't forbids it . rather my religion allows even two wives but my society and culture looks down to it.

jessi

hi,
I don't know what to say to you, you have to decide what you are willing to do, if you continue to think the way you do about your wife it will never work.....she sounds like she is trying to bring you to her...the rejection for her must be hard to take but she obviously loves you.....
you have to decide to change the way you view her, read some books, 5 languages of love and take a look at what you are not doing Gary Chapman is the author.......this is all about attitude without the right frame of mind nothing will work, look at her for her good qualities and just try to enjoy the contact between you....not all togetherness is about that falling in love feeling marriage is about feeling safe and comfortable....
If you can't bring yourself to change your thinking, then divorce might be your only answer.....
I think a lot of marriage go through stages like this in every culture you have to work at getting things to a different place it doesn't just happen on it's own......

shazil

i do not have any feelings for my wife. not for a single day since i have got married. for the last four years i have been trying to be comfortable with her and adjust but i could not . i had not a single affair or even thought about any other woman during the period as i am a man of principles. for last 4 years i have just been thinking between myself and her mental well being and our children. time is passing and misery goes on. dont know what to do

scarletblue

I feel for your situation, but I have to think to myself....how would I feel if I were your wife? How would I feel if I invested my life and love in a man who doesn't love me and is miserable with me every day. You want to talk misery? Now, THAT is misery!

It sounds to me like first of all, you need to seek help for your depression. You are wallowing in it and letting it drag your life down. You need to take charge of your feelings and decide what you're going to do. If you don't believe in divorce and are going to stay in the marriage, the you need to do what you can to make it the best it can be. Longing for something you think you can never have won't help the situation.

Is it better to love and not be loved in return, or be loved and not love in return?

marcy*

I do not feel sorry for you shazil, but for you wife. She didn't choose you either since it was an arranged marriage, but she is trying to make this marriage work. She is trying to love you, but you are so cold, and indifferent with her.
She is annoying because is trying to gain your love? Some people do not deserve what they have.

shazil

1. how can be sure she loves me?
2. she could be waiting for me to take the first step?
3. its ok for a woman to relate with a woman. i understand .

marcy*

Divorce her if you don't love her. I believe that even your wife doesn't want to stay with a man that doesn't love her.
You don't live to please others, but yourselves. Both of you were victims of your society. I know a lot about arranged marriage. Are normal in my country too. But at least at us you have the right to choose if you want to be with him/her or no. You are not forced to marry someone that you don't like.
Maybe you were forced to get married and I feel sorry for both of you. I don't know were you are living now. If you live in USA, you better get divorced. It's on your best interest.
Does she work?
Is she able to live on her own?

shazil

she doesn't work. she cant support herself. she doesn't have much of education. how ever i can support her and kids as long as required. i am financially quite stable. she probable will her parents in case of separation or divorce. her parent are financially very well too. they can also support her.

hopelesslife

love is unexplainable feeling. it doesn't necessarily happen just because someone is nice to you.

hopelesslife

we are all human beings. we are not God. Things do not always go in a way that so-called "right".

Marriage without love is immoral,too. it is not better then cheating in a marriage. Having sex with someone you don't love is not better than being rapped. the only different is not raping your body but your mind.or maybe both physically and mentally.