Should I contact "the other woman"?
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Old 02-26-2010, 08:43 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Should I contact "the other woman"?

After nearly 25 years of marriage I found out that my husband had affairs with several woman over the past year. While I knew there were problems in our marriage I didn't realize how unhappy he was. I'm pretty sure this was a desperate attempt to encourage me to make the first move toward divorce. Fortunately it had the opposite effect and we are successfully rebuilding our relationship.

One of the women is a former girlfriend that some of his family members still hear from on occasion. My husband travels and visited with this woman and her husband without my knowing (She's about 2000 miles away). Shortly after this visit her husband died and my husband went back out and ended up in bed with her. I found out a few months later when his email was left open. To this day she is not aware that I know. One of my "issues" are some photos and artwork that she made for him 30+ years ago. While I'd love to just shred them and be done with it, I have a hard time destroying art and also want to let her know that I know. I told my husband that I was thinking about sending her the artwork and pictures (with him cut out). He supports whatever I need to do to get past "the past". She has tried to call on a couple of occasions but my husband does not take the calls. We really are doing what we can to move forward but some of the remnants of the past are still very close to the surface.

I have the package at my desk ready to ship, but am needing an outside opinion to verify it won't do more harm than good.

Last edited by shelly79; 02-26-2010 at 07:02 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 02-26-2010, 01:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I contact "the other woman"?

Contacting the other woman never helps, I don't think. I wouldn't worry about the other woman actually. She is not who the affair is about... she was just convenient. The affair is about your relationship, and so just focusing onthat is the best you can do.

I've only seen unhappiness and occasionally a loss in the improvement in the marriage from contacting the "other woman." I don't think it's a healthy way to move forward.
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Old 02-26-2010, 07:28 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I contact "the other woman"?

You hit the nail on the head. He has taken full responsibility and admitted to taking advantage of the situation. While I don't consider her a threat any longer I guess I want her to realize that I know and that my marriage is back on track and that it is no longer appropriate for her pictures to be in our house or for her to call (although I should cut a little slack as the call was when my father in law was on his deathbed) under any circumstances. She is still in occasional contact with my husbands immediate family, and my sister in law knows that I don't want to hear the details of any conversations. I've recently become aware that the ex is "in love" and doesn't seem to be "fragile". I just don't think I'd feel guilty. I don't want to start any dialogue with her. Just send back what doesn't belong in my home with a brief note, and leave it at that. I even thought about skipping the note and just sending the package. She'd know where they came from, just not exactly who sent them.
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Old 03-08-2010, 11:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I contact "the other woman"?

Personally I'd not even bother contacting the other woman because she didn't make any promises or vows to you, your husband did.

It sounds like he's made some good progress realising that he's made mistakes and wants to move forward and save your marriage.

I think you're deflecting the natural anger and betrayal you feel about him onto the other woman. Deal with that with your husband and you'll strengthen and heal your marriage.
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Old 03-08-2010, 11:51 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I contact "the other woman"?

Donate the artwork to the goodwill bin.
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Old 03-08-2010, 12:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I contact "the other woman"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mo Simpson View Post
Personally I'd not even bother contacting the other woman because she didn't make any promises or vows to you, your husband did.
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Old 03-10-2010, 03:27 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I contact "the other woman"?

TOO MUCH has happensd!!!!! ARE you even serious??? Let me slow down .. I get there are feelings to to the depths of your soul that no- one on this stupid computer could fatholm but .... come on girl..... NO...... GROWN WOMEN... you are endurinng thinngs thet yiu were not meant to !!!GOD did bot make this to be your life OR his for that matter!!!! HOW disrespectfull.... from his family that is supposed top be yours ???? stop it !!!! WHY WOULD YOU? PLEASE....LOVE YOU MORE THAN THAT
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Old 08-31-2010, 11:35 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I contact "the other woman"?

do not contact her unless you are going to say your peice and put the phone down, I made the mistake of contacting the other woman and have regretted it, she will rub your nose in it and you will forever replay thier memories in your mind. It is not worth it, your the bigger person, your making you marraige work, post her the art and attach a photo of you and you hubby looking really happy, write a not on the bak to say Thankyou for the lovely artwork but there is no longer room in our house for this sort of art, we have redecorated from the both of you, let her know there are no holes in your mariage for her to crawl through. If she contacts him after that she really is sad and desperate and has a lck of respect for the sanctity of marriage.
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Old 08-31-2010, 11:58 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I contact "the other woman"?

If you really think it would make you feel better to send her back the artwork and pictures, then do so. But I wouldn't initiate any further contact, and I would be very careful about what you say in any note you attach to the stuff you send her.

Don't get caught up in telling her what you think of her or what happened or anything like that, as it will only give her opportunities to say things that you will never get out of your mind.
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Old 08-31-2010, 01:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I contact "the other woman"?

I get it. You want to scream "I won!" in her face. I would like to do it too. Send it, just that, and don't make contact or judge her ever again. She had her own issues as well. Losing a husband and finding comfort in a married one, must have killed her inside already. So, mail it, but don't rub it in further. Be firm in sending the signal that this man is yours, but don't be nasty, it will turn around and bite you when you least expect it.
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Old 08-31-2010, 01:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I contact "the other woman"?

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding. Your post said your husband had several affairs with several women over the past year but you're fretting over old art work created over 30 years ago from just one of those women? Mail it, shred it, burn it. Unless she's a Picasso, you're not destroying anything valuable as art and after your husband has been married to you for 25 years, it should have no sentimental value for either of them, either.
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Old 08-31-2010, 01:58 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I contact "the other woman"?

If it's a step you need to take for YOU, then do it and send the artwork back. My note to her would be short and sweet. And I mean sweet honestly, not sarcastically. She's probably riding her own emotional roller coaster (crazy train) because of her husband's death. She probably wasn't then or maybe even now isn't thinking clearly. Dealing with her issues isn't your place. So, if you send them back to her instead of giving them to goodwill or throwing them out, do it for YOU and you alone.

Personally, I'd probably throw out anything my spouse had from the OW.
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