Needing advice, husband not interested.....

texasmom · 04-30-2008, 08:26 AM

My husband and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We have 2 children and have a pretty happy life from the outside. We have had lots of problems with our marriage. We are great together when it comes to the day to day "business" of our family. Our relationship is another problem. My husband does not know how to show affection to me in a way that I need. We have had sex once in the last 8 months...and not because I do not want to. We have been to counseling and things were better for a while, but now, they are back to bad. We are great roommates. He is an excellent provider and I know he loves me. I am desperate for affection. I have dreams about being with other men and feeling intimate with others. I often wonder if my husband is secretly gay.....he is pretty feminine and does not appear to need sex like most men.
The sex problems have been since we met. I was his first, but he was not mine. He has never wanted a lot of sex, and I remember when we were first married, I cried because I thought he felt I was not attractive to him because he would turn me down when I initiated.
I am totally checking out of our marriage right now. I hate the example we are setting for our boys..........I have no idea what to do to fix things.

Sorry this is so long, I could go on forever.

Thanks

Green-Moo · 04-30-2008, 09:45 AM

It sounds like you have a strong marriage, other than the sex thing. Would you agree?

How does your husband react when you touch him? I don't mean intimately, just on the shoulder or whatever? Perhaps he feels under pressure to perform, and when under pressure many people react by just straight refusing. I know there is nothing better to dampen my own libido that the *expectation* that there will be sex.

texasmom · 04-30-2008, 10:06 AM

I guess it is considered "strong". We do not fight, but we really dont talk much. Again, we are great at running the business side of family and marriage, but we do not talk about much else. I do not consider us "best friends". It really is more than just a lack of sex....it is a lack of all intimate behavior......I cant remember the last time we kissed goodnight. I got a kiss this morning, only because he was leaving to go out of town. I need hugs and touching that is not sex, I feel very lonely.

Amplexor · 04-30-2008, 10:47 AM

Texasmom

If you’ve lurked on this site much you may have heard people speak of a book called The Five Languages of Love. It is an excellent read and may help both of you in understanding what each of you considers important in saying you love each other. My wife and I have different languages. Hers is words of affirmation. Not that I love her but that I think she is important and needed. Mine is physical touch and personal intimacy. Holding hands, hugs….. Our marriage at this point is very much a roommate situation and she is trying to reconnect with me but for the most part we are happier in the marriage than we’ve been in years. We too run the house hold efficiently and don’t argue. We have greatly improved our communication which will be key for the two of you. Try reading the book while he is away and see if you gain some insights. Ask him to read it also. It might be a great way to start the conversations. Good luck

frustratedinphx · 04-30-2008, 04:59 PM

I really feel for you because I'm experiencing the same thing with my husband. I have tried going back to when we were first together to see if we can re-create that initial attraction and try to do the things that I know matter to him. I've backed away completely from asking for or initiating sex and will do so once I feel we are more *connected* again.

It's starting to work a bit since he now kisses me before he leaves for work, kisses me goodnight and is more open to spooning in bed. It's not everything that I'm craving, but it's a step in the right direction.

I also struggle with trying hard not to want to have my needs be satisfied *elsewhere*, but I think that will ultimately come with time. In addition, I've come to the realization that I need to have some kind of drop dead point for myself since I've been hanging on for "just 6 mos. more" for many years. I don't want to live in limbo for the rest of my life. It will be miserable being a single parent of 2 kids under 4, but I don't want to throw my own needs to the wayside while setting a bad example of a marriage for my kids. Good luck to you...

draconis · 04-30-2008, 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by texasmom

My husband and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We have 2 children and have a pretty happy life from the outside. We have had lots of problems with our marriage. We are great together when it comes to the day to day "business" of our family. Our relationship is another problem. My husband does not know how to show affection to me in a way that I need. We have had sex once in the last 8 months...and not because I do not want to. We have been to counseling and things were better for a while, but now, they are back to bad. We are great roommates. He is an excellent provider and I know he loves me. I am desperate for affection. I have dreams about being with other men and feeling intimate with others. I often wonder if my husband is secretly gay.....he is pretty feminine and does not appear to need sex like most men.
The sex problems have been since we met. I was his first, but he was not mine. He has never wanted a lot of sex, and I remember when we were first married, I cried because I thought he felt I was not attractive to him because he would turn me down when I initiated.
I am totally checking out of our marriage right now. I hate the example we are setting for our boys..........I have no idea what to do to fix things.

Sorry this is so long, I could go on forever.

Thanks

DO you still date?

draconis

texasmom · 04-30-2008, 08:27 PM

We actually took a trip for our 10 year anniversary. we spent a week at the beach and read books. This was our one big night of 5 minute sex too!!
We do date, but we almost always go out with other couples, which totally takes away from us spending time together.

We did the 5 love languages a while ago.....we probably need to revisit it.

draconis · 04-30-2008, 10:59 PM

To revisit it the 5 love languages sounds like a good start.

draconis

berlinlife06 · 05-01-2008, 05:46 PM

Have you talked to him honestly and told him what is you need? Maybe you are not telling him everything because you don't want to hurt him... but communication might be the best thing. And if he still doesn't want anymore with you, then maybe you should get someone else on the side. Perhaps he might even be willing to do that.

confusedinTX · 05-09-2008, 10:21 PM

I agree about the 5 love languages though it only helps if both people read and practice it. Trying to talk to him and asking what turns him on might help. Maybe doing scheduled time might help. I've heard once you you get into a schedule it makes it easier to do. The harder question here might be does he show interest in other women be it on TV or porn or just when you are out in public? I would think that if he doesn't show interest in any women then it isn't you and there might be something wrong with him medicially or he might be unsure of his sexual nature as you suggested.

martino · 05-13-2008, 03:07 PM

Hi,

Just relaying a story, I read an interview with a happily married woman (yes in a women's mag) she said that she had this same problem, a friend told her to stop being your husband's wife when you want some and become his naughty mistress. Men are visual and tactile they don't need all that mental stimulation that women do.