mommy22

First, let me say that we are very much back in the "communication stage". For that, I'm thankful beyond words. I don't know if you've read my other posts, but we've been through the wringer over the last few weeks and, in essence, years. Now, we love each other more than we ever could've imagined possible. So, to answer your questions:
1) What do you want? (ie. what would you need from him to restore your heart into it)

I needed him to focus on us. I needed to know that we (he, me, the children) were his priority. Now that he has been clean (he was a drug addict unbeknownst to me for over 15 years) for the last few months, his clarity is better. He returns my phone calls, he helps around the house, he actively spends time with the children, and he spends quality time with me outside the physical act of sex. This is what I wanted and I'm getting that and more.

2) Do you think that if you gave him sex, he'd, of his own will, fix whatever he is doing wrong?

As I stated earlier, me giving him sex wasn't a problem for us. I never cut him off. He got it lots! However, it led to a lot of resentment on my part because I didn't feel as though I was getting anything in return. That said, I do think that many times you have to give to the other person even when you don't feel like it. It's just like when I get up with my children in the middle of the night. Do I want to miss sleep? No. I do it because I love them and I want to be there for them when they need me.

3) Does he know your heart is not into lovemaking? Does he know WHY your heart isn't in it?

Yes. He knows why it wasn't in it. He knew that all along. He now has the clarity to put himself in it and I have rid myself of my own selfishness and am putting myself into it 100%!
4) What can you do to make him aware of the problem so he can take action.

Well, my case was very different than most. I communicated very openly and honestly. I left no guesswork. However, he couldn't hear what I was saying because of his addiction. In a situation where it's simply lack of communication, I just think telling the person point blank is best. Don't do it in an accusatory manner, of course, but be honest. I've never had a problem communicating how I feel unless I felt like it was falling on deaf ears. We actually sat down and had the conversation on each part "What can I do to make this better?" He told me that he would need lots of reassurance to restore his manhood. He wants me to tell him I love him, stoke his arm, hug and kiss him in public. He wants me to outwardly show that I am proud of him and HE'S MY MAN! I, on the other hand, told him that I want him to take time to talk to me, be actively involved with the children, pull his weight around the house and just be my best friend again. He's doing such a great job of that and I'm so proud of him.


I hope all this helps some.

Chopblock

"It took 11 years for me to realize that I no longer loved him. He was just a crutch nothing more."

Thank you sweetp101. This is actually one of the things that I fear most, and I am trying to fully understand it rather than say "we aren't having sex so she must hate me".

The last thing I want to become is her "big brother". I know she loves me, but the sex isn't there and hasn't been there for a while. I believe a large part of it is an image thing, which she is working on and I will finally know for sure if that is or isn't it.

My fear though is that she loves me, but doesn't desire me anymore but doesn't want to lose the sweet deal she has. I do my best to make her feel special and I really do love her, but superior lifestyle I provide vs what she could afford alone is definitely a factor.

I just don't want to wait another 5 or 6 years of pouring my heart into a relationship only to be told something like "if we stay together, there won't be sex". Even if we had an open marriage deal, I don't want to live like that.

Seems to me though that if my last hope fails, I'm going to have to either live with it, or say "if this doesn't change, we're done".

Chopblock

mom, your response came while I was typing.

Let me just say I'm so happy to see a forum that actually has success stories. All the others I've been on NEVER had more than one person say "we fixed it" and in that one case, there was some unique oddity that didn't apply to 99% of other people.

To all, I know its hard to say what you are feeling. I believe a lot of times the "rock bottom" that people refer to is actually the point at which the effort needed to fix the situation becomes more desirable than the consequences of the situation. Up until that point, the cure is worse than the disease, as it were.

I'm so happy for all of you. I really want things to work out with my gf, I love her so much and want to marry her, but I'm feeling trepidation about committing my life to her if we can't fix this problem.

swedish

My husband and I had the same conversation & I really think you hit the key to a strong marriage...to really WANT to make your spouse happy, no hidden agenda or in hopes of getting anything in return. Real AGAPE love. When you can't bear to see your other half sad, hurt, angry and you do what you can to turn that around, amazing results follow.

swedish

I know of many women where this is the case, and it really has nothing to do with their other half. Do you think she might suffer from depression? Sometimes the two go hand and hand and counseling may help her.

Definitely true in my case. And I'm sure most wish they would have put in the effort sooner than later...I sure wish I knew of these forums much sooner.

carmaenforcer

I don't think it's an issue that women don't know that withholding sex is pretty much the worst thing you can do to a man, it's that they do know the affect it has on us and simply don't care or use it to their advantage.
I think most women don't see that they will only be cheated on eventually because they are so self absorbed by the power they think they have. The pattern I've noticed with my Wife is she will push me away regardless of what I do or don't do but blame the not having sex on me not doing things. This has made me stop trying already and I've only been dealing with it for a years and a half. I get it from time to time but I am overly critical and usually don't like it because I waited so long and I'm more pissed than horny.

I'll say it again, the only answer is PROSTITUTION! Getting it somewhere else is the only way of defusing the situation.
Trying to pander to your Wifes feelings and emotions is a temporary fix that needs to be maintained too much.

I had an arrangement with a girl I met on a personals site to meet up and mess and then almost like she knew somehow she gave it up that same weekend and started acting all nice and sympathetic for like two weeks after that. I put that other situation on the back burner because I didn't want to cheat until I absolutely have to, a conscience thing I guess, but I will in the future.
I'm done playing games or jumping through hoops to have sex with my Wife, and in doing so I'm taking that power away from her. I'm sure she will act all surprised and butt hurt when/if she finds out.
chopblock said it best when he said;
I have been the nicest hubby since she started being nice and caring after having given me sex, like out of no where. WHY?
Because she deserves it right now. WHY? Because she stopped playing games long enough to just do me and started acting nicer/less selfish too.

Unfortunately for her, she just can't not stop bring such a selfish B____ long enough to let me get over my hatred I have towards her because of what she puts me through.
She already blew it only after a week and a half, tisk, tisk.

I can't wait to see if she gives it up again right before I get it somewhere else, wouldn't that be creepy.

GAsoccerman

See my wife is the opposite, she withholds sex, when a big day is comming up....Becuase she is "building up to the day" By the time the day comes, she thinks I am ready to unleash my rawness on her...which does happen. But I ahve tried to with hold sex from her because I was mad at her...but then I think to myself, who am I really punishing here??? Next thing I know we are in bed.

My wife's monthly friend was visiting us, but our make out sessions are so hot and wild of flippign around on the bed, she often reaches orgasm without me penetrating her. SHe has certain hot spots on her Neck, back of knees, he back and her chest...I pay extra special attention to these area's to a point where I drive her wild. It's an awful lot of fun!

Maybe you need to find your Hubby's hot spots, tease him some what, sure real sex only last a few minutes, but you can really build up to it, and really that is the most fun.

Chopblock

You are lucky GAsoccerman -- even more so that she is still willing to be touched when she is flying the Japanese flag.

carmaenforcer and i think a LOT alike. I am not yet so burned out that I'm going to cheat -- but I wouldn't condemn someone who cheated after exhausting all possible options.

I am trying to keep a line between "meeting her needs" and "pandering to her whims". Its a fine line, but as long as I am on the good side of it, I'm not so upset. There are things I am trying to do a little bit better that I know are important to her, though I'm not sure they are going to make the difference.

For me, the big point will be the image thing. If she overcomes it (she is actively working on it) then things will hopefully be fine. If that doesn't work, then I am out of options besides "deal" or "leave".

Part of the reason I want more communication is because of this sentiment: "she just can't not stop bring such a selfish B____ long enough to let me get over my hatred I have towards her because of what she puts me through." If there are issues that really are so deep they can't be overcome, or mental barriers that are so strong they can't be broken... well I WANT TO KNOW THAT NOW! I do not want to spend the next 2 or 3 years going deeper and deeper only to find out that it was for nothing and I could have left now.

I do agree with the "taking back the power" statement, and this is why I always tell women that they should be afraid when the man STOPS pestering them for sex. Men aren't dumb, and they aren't going to allow themselves to be treated like puppets forever.

So for me, if the image thing doesn't fix the problem, I will try the "ok, lets work as a team to make this better". If that doesn't work, then I don't have a choice anymore.

sweetp101

GAsoccerman,
There is no foreplay. For all of the years I've been married I've always felt like a one night stand. He does not do foreplat at all. He is in and out. I had never experienced that with no one else just him. I married for the wrong reasons, now I must find a reason to stay connected.

Carmaenforcer,
You seem very angry. Cheating is not the answer. Believe me that will only lead to other problems.

Chopblock

"You seem very angry. Cheating is not the answer."

Don't forget though: his wife has already cheated on him by choosing to withhold sex and not work with him on the problem. He is choosing not to be a victim anymore.

sweetp101

I know that cheating is not the answer. I have cheated because of my husband withholding communication, sex, attention, etc.... I enjoyed the moment but I still had to face the problem.

juls

Well said...I do understand how the rejection could lead a person to such dramatics. But you are correct it doesn't solve the problem...

mommy22

Take it from a previous cheater, Carma, you don't want to do this. No matter what's been done to you, you don't need to seek vengeance. She screwed up in a major way and I completely understand your anger. Who wouldn't want to lash out? You can't do that forever, though. If you can't forgive, get out of the situation. Harboring the resentment is destroyiing you, not her. I am not an advocate for divorce, but counting wrongs against each other will only lead to a life of misery. Your child is young now, but it's only a matter of time before he picks up on it. You have two choices, forgive and move forward in your life with her or leave her. I know, I know, easy for me to say right? Just give it some thought. Your bitterness is eating you up on the inside. Can you really continue on like this?

Chopblock

carma:

If you divorce, what are you looking at in terms of bills, alimony, costs, and so forth? If she doesn't work now, will you end up living on 30% of your take home, in a dingy efficiency, using a lawn chair as a bed?

I know some people say that freedom is worth any price. I think you have to consider the real-world possibilities of your actions. Will you win custody of your child, or will you end up paying child support (ie: free money for her european vacations with her new man while you have to choose between heat and food).

draconis

CHild support isn't free money it is to help feed and cloth the children since so many parents don't do it on there own without a court order.

draconis

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