10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.
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Old 03-11-2010, 11:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have 3 kids. I've always had a problem with my weight, but it has gotten much worse after I had the children. My husband always had a problem with me gaining weight, "joked" about it and made me feel bad many times.
4 months ago I gave birth to my third baby, third c-section. My body looks awful, worse and worse after each surgery. Yesterday, my husband suggested me to get a liposuction. He told me that it will boost my self-esteem, and I have to understand that our society doesn't accept overweight women. The liposuction will make me feel better about myself and will make me look better. After this conversation, I feel worse and can't stop crying. Shouldn't he love me just the way I am? Shouldn't he watch what he say not to make me feel upset?
Am I wrong to feel this way? I can't talk to him or to my girlfriends about this because I feel embarassed. Please help.
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Old 03-11-2010, 11:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Your husband has not right to tell you that society doesn't accept overweight women. How dare he? This is terrible you are the mother to his children and he should accept you for who you are. You have to stop crying and feel bad and do something for yourself but because you want to not because your husband or anyone else wants you too. Please don't allow him to make comments like that and as far as liposuction he is not a doctor and every surgery has a risk. He should not joke about any of this. You can do other things to loose weight. If he loves you he would help you not hurt you with stupid comments. Have you talk to a doctor about your weight? You can do other things to loose it. I suggest you tell your husband exactly how his comments make you feel and tell him to stop it. You are a human being and he needs to treat you with the love and respect you deserve. If he had the problem I am sure you would be helping him through this. So be honest with him and tell him how you feel and then see what happens but also if you think your weight is the problem talk to an expert about it and ask him if he would come with you. Good luck and hope you feel better!!!
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Old 03-11-2010, 11:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

Thank you. I've spoken to him about my feelings, but nothing works. He knows that I get upset about his comments. He also knows that I'm struggling with various weight issues. He actually believes that he's helping me by offering a liposuction. I just feel like I'm constantly talking to a wall with him.
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Old 03-11-2010, 12:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

Then this is a problem. Offering the liposuction is not the only answer. He has to listen to you and respect your feelings. Has he offered any other help? It seems to me that you are crying out to him and he doesn't listen. Have you consider marriage counseling?
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Old 03-11-2010, 12:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

He needs lipo on his brain. You gave him 3 kids. You shouldn't tolerate that and every time he says something like that without a consequence from you he will do it again and again.
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Old 03-11-2010, 12:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

I agree with Martino. You need to stand up for yourself and you need to do that soon. Stop him now and be strong.
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Old 03-11-2010, 01:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

He offered to help in other ways too. I just feel that this is my problem and I should be the one dealing with it not him. May be I'm wrong to think this way, but I'm a very private person and this is a private matter that he shouldn't be a part of. He complained to me that I'm not willing to share my feelings, but this is how I am and I believe it should be respected. Unfortunately, he's not willing to back off. I'm afraid it will eventually end in a divorce.
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Old 03-11-2010, 01:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

We had 2 girls and he really wanted a boy. So I agreed to try again and we finally got a boy. The 3rd c-section screwed me up physically even more and now he's talking about another invasive procedure. He trully believes that it's 100 percent safe. I don't feel that way.
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Old 03-11-2010, 01:28 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

Thank you for talking to me. It made me feel a lot better. I was really depressed this morning. Didn't even go out with the baby. I'm much better now. Thanks a lot.
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Old 03-11-2010, 01:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

Quote:
... Am I wrong to feel this way ....
There is no wrong way to feel.

Quote:
... I've always had a problem with my weight ... my body looks awful, worse and worse after each surgery.
If you don't like the way you look, there are ways to improve it. However, nobody looks perfect. There is a balance between finding a way to "look the way that will make you happy" and finding a way "be happy the way that you look."

Quote:
... Shouldn't he love me just the way I am?
Of course he loves you the way you are. Only a monster would stop loving a woman based on her looks. However, what you really want to know is not if he loves you, but rather if he is in love with you:

Quote:
... Shouldn't he be in love with me just the way I am?
No. Of course not.

"love" + "desire" = "in love"

Where does desire come from?

In 99% of marriages, desire comes from a spouse as a "sex object". What does that mean?

Female "sex object" = youth, fitness, body curves, attractiveness, slim build, breast size, firmness of behind, etc.

Male "sex object" = resources, success, ambition, confidence, money, power, dominance, etc.

How does this help you?

First, try to see the problem for what it is. There is nothing wrong with you. There is also nothing wrong with your husband. There is something broken in the connection that binds the two of you together. It is usually very easy to fix.

Second, your husband loves you as much in a size 18 body as he does in a size 6. This is not about love. Neither is it about sex. It is about desire. Desire is a dimly lit abandoned parking lot that connects love and sex ... unfortunately, our culture is so afraid of admitting the importance of desire that most people pretend that it does not exist. You are not the only couple that have a problem with this. I have lost count of how many times I have advised desperate men on these boards to read "man up" books in order to act more dominant, masculine, and confident so as to re-ignite their wife's desire. You can blame the 200 years of Victorian neglect of a huge part of what makes us human. Desire is the bridge between love and sexuality. When we ignore it, it comes back and whacks us on the head.

Good luck.

Last edited by AlexNY; 03-11-2010 at 02:04 PM.
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Old 03-11-2010, 01:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

Boy is this reply ever presumtious.


How does this help you?

First, try to see the problem for what it is. There is nothing wrong with you. There is also nothing wrong with your husband. There is something broken in the connection that binds the two of you together. It is usually very easy to fix.

Second, your husband loves you as much in a size 18 body as he does in a size 6. This is not about love. Neither is it about sex. It is about desire. Desire is a dimly lit abandoned parking lot that connects love and sex ... unfortunately, our culture is so afraid of admitting the importance of desire that most people pretend that it does not exist. You are not the only couple that have a problem with this. I have lost count of how many times I have advised desperate men on these boards to read "man up" books in order to act more dominant, masculine, and confident so as to re-ignite their wife's desire. You can blame the 200 years of Victorian neglect of a huge part of what makes us human. Desire is the bridge between love and sexuality. When we ignore it, it comes back and whacks us on the head.
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Old 03-11-2010, 02:17 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

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Originally Posted by martino View Post
Boy is this reply ever presumtious.
You are confusing what should be with what is.

I am a strong proponent of aggressively moving past seeing each other as sex objects.

Until that day comes, people have to live their lives within the world as it is.
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Old 03-11-2010, 02:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

If I follow, you can quite honestly say something like this:
Honey, having kids did a number on my body. I know that. I'm not very happy with how I look right now either. But I think of this as my problem, for me to work on. You can help, and when I need your help I'll ask. Maybe I'll want you to watch the kids while I go out for a bike ride, or I'll want you to fix my bike, or I'll want you to come with us when we walk to a playground. I will tell you when you can help.

I understand that you're not as attracted to me right now as you might be. I want to be more attractive to you; we both want the same thing here. But you harping on my weight, and suggesting liposuction is not helping. And you have to understand that my body has just been through 5 years of childbearing. I'm not going to be able to fix 5 years of wear and tear in 3 months, or 6 months. Getting my muscles back into condition and losing the excess fat may take a while. I understand your desire for an attractive wife, and I will work to satisfy it. But it's not going to happen overnight, and it's not going to go faster just because you keep talking about it.

I have to feel energized to go out and exercise. When you keep bringing this up, it drains my energy away. I know work has to be done. I am doing it as my ability increases. As time goes on, I expect my health to continue to recover, and that's all to the good. But for this to work, you have to stop nagging. I live in this body; I'm aware of it all the time. There is nothing you can tell me about it that I don't already know. Stop helping me until I ask for it.
Then, at some point, be SURE you ask for his help with something. When you take the kids out to eat, you go to McDonald's or someplace and get them happy meals, and send him to Subway for a veggie sub the two adults can split, and you all meet somewhere there's a picnic table. Have him fix your old bike, or find you one on Craigslist or eBay. He wants to be useful. If you've talked about getting in better shape before, he probably interpreted that as you asking for his help already. (Deborah Tannen's book You Just Don't Understand discusses that women sometimes talk just to be heard, while men interpret all such talk as a request to help solve a problem. She says this confusion causes difficulties.)

He wants to be helpful. Find something for him to do besides nagging and suggesting liposuction, and maybe he'll do that instead.
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Old 03-11-2010, 02:49 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

You cannot physically desire someone without seeing them as a sex object. Your post about "desire" is simply the act of seeing someone and wanting them. You don't see them as leprachaun or a skyscraper do you?? they are a sex object. (why do I bother?)

This has nothing to do with OP's post anyway. Her hubby needs to be outed on his ass and do some growing up. Or she needs to meet someone that loves her.
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Old 03-11-2010, 03:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: 10 years of marriage, 3 kids. Help please.

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Originally Posted by martino View Post
You cannot physically desire someone without seeing them as a sex object.
Yes you can. It happens all the time. Most times it happens in a bad way, leading to some dysfunction. Some people start to equate desire with pain. Or with a physical object. Or pornography. It is not so difficult to re-direct these same mechanisms so that desire is re-defined on your terms. Maybe a way of smiling, or a memory. It does not matter. Once you learn to de-couple the origins of desire from your biological heritage, and re-define it as you choose, you can do this again as often as you like. This way, you will always desire the person who you love, because your desire will be a matter of choice. It is an act of will.

Quote:
This has nothing to do with OP's post anyway. Her hubby needs to be outed on his ass and do some growing up. Or she needs to meet someone that loves her.
She will simply end up with the same problem again. Also, with three small children, leaving her husband is unlikely to be the solution.

Desire is just too easy to re-kindle. Why turn her life upside down and throw her family in the food processor, when a few simple steps are all that is needed?

When a train de-rails, you don't re-build the train. You put it back on the track and move on.
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