pigpen

You know I am smart enough to realize that for all my hubbys failings - I don't help the situation. I mean, in a way, I enable the behavior. It is not that I like the way it is. it is that, in a warped way, it is easier for me to scream foul than it is to actually do something about it.

But it has taken me a very long time to see this is true.
It was interesting today. I get home and he had done a few chores and seemed interested in my ideas on what to do about the house. He participated for a while.

And there it was, I found myself thinking "oh maybe he has finally gotten it" and yet It was as though i was looking at myself from the outside and I could see the fall coming.
It actually felt good - I noticed the fall before it happened. Detached. And having noticed the same old stuff as it occurs it is very humorous. Sad too. But if my marriage was a skit on Saturday Night Live it would be really funny.

I have been really dumb. Still the thought of breaking up the family leaves me feeling cold and nauseous.

swedish

What happened? It sounds like he's making some effort. I wouldn't expect any drastic change overnight as he's built up his habits over several years...baby steps? Or did something major happen that 'un-did' the positive things?

Cindy

Wow, what a lump he must be. I can tell you are frustrated b/c at one moment you're saying "I want to leave" and the next moment you say "Is my marriage really dead? I don't want it to be"

I'm just going to put some suggestions out there, please don't take them the wrong way:

You say there are only so many hours in a day for you to work, keep house and spend time with your son. Consider staying home. Then you will have time to keep house, spend time with your son and do a lot of the things that evidently bother you that you expect your husband to care about when he doesn't.

Secondly, you can always leave your husband. My mother left my dad with 3 small children at a time when women did not have nearly as much support as they do now. You have one 10 yro and plenty of resources.

Please do not be fooled into thinking your husband has anymore power in a divorce than you do. He can lie all he wants, he won't be the first person to exaggerate or lie in a divorce court. They've heard it before and can see right through it.

By the way, has your husband always told you sex is inappropriate? I mean before your son? Was he raised super religious? Tell him how hurtful that rejection is and that an explanation would help you understand instead of getting your feelings hurt. I think the lack of sex is the crux of your problems.

One thing you might be doing without realizing it is when your husband does start to show some affection, you might meet it with resentment... upon being reminded how few and far between those things happen..., which in turn, make him feel stupid for even trying. I'm not saying you are doing this, I'm just saying check yourself for it. I think men learn from rewarding good behaviour, so remember "it's hard to kiss the mouth that just got done chewing my butt"

Also too, it's easy to get hung up in being a perpetual victim. Turning down any possible solution and making excuses as to why it is and always will be hopeless will definitely keep you in the victim seat ...but it will never heal your marriage. Are you truly happy with yourself? Do you like the person you are? Do you think you are easy to live with? Sometimes to get another person to change, we have to make some changes in ourselves.

Start living around him. Go out with your friends and have fun, take your son to a movie without your husband, continue to be as sexy as possible around your husband. Create your own happiness instead of moping around waiting on your slug of a husband to do it for you. He'll either come around or he won't, regardless, you'll stilll be having a marvelous time!

pigpen

Cindy these are all good suggestions.

Living around my husband - I have been doing that for a long time. I just continue to invite my husband along.

Stay at home isnt an option. I did that for several years, working part time and eventually we began to get into financial trouble. I went back to work full time to help stem the financial stress. At this time we also refinanced the house. I thought we were finally comeing together to make changes for the benefit of the family.
But less than 4 months after I started my new job and a week after we refinanced my husband quit his job to be a full time artist.

I could support that - except that he was an rank amateur and had only been painting a year with no stellar talent. He had sold just $400 worth of paintings when he quit. He did tell me he wanted to and I suggested he wait a while until I knew my job would be OK and we had beefed up the family finances better. He did not wait. 6 months later we had accumulated as much debit as we had tried to pay off at our refinancing. He finally gets a part time job. But now we earn even less money than before and have about twice the debit. (stemming from never having enough to make our ends meet) At least now we can meet our daily living needs.

There is more here but I have to go to work.